Big Brother 12 Recap: I Vote to Evict…..Myself from Planet Earth.


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Well it’s time for another live eviction, so that can only mean one thing.  Julie Chen gets to seduce me with her sexy teleprompter reading and her button pressing to talk to the house-guests.  Fine that was two things.  Here’s what went down last night on ¡Grande Hermano!

  • Everyone is fake confused because Yom Kippur Kenny told Brendon and Knockers del Toro that he’s gunning for them….but please still use the veto on him.  Knockers seems pissed.  You can tell because her rack attack fizzled like a balloon that has a slow leak.
  • I just yelled “shut. the. f. up” at my TV when Brendon called Knockers del Toro “baby.”  Seriously?  Baby?  Really?  You’re on a game show.  You were dressed like a human hot dog 3 weeks ago.  Get a grip.  See what not having the ability to provide “self release” can do to someone?
  • Is Matt a midget?  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’m so sick of people who are abnormally short and try to pretend they’re not technically a midget.  It’s like, own it Vern.  Although, tonight Matt has slicked his bangs up as high as the heavens which, when trying to clear security at the airport, would be considered a weapon.
  • Every time Brendon and Knockers share an intimate moment, which seems to happen on the regular, Big Brother starts playing this cheesy background music.  I’m pretty certain it’s Julie Chen on guitar but still, enough.
  • Oh great, just when I’m about to tee off on Kathy’s spider upper and lower eye lashes, she breaks the news that she’s broke, had cancer, and needs to secure her sons future in case she doesn’t make it.  Great, thanks Kathy.  Now I have to wait an entire week before making fun.  That’s my rule.  Also, I just made that rule up.  I may break it.
  • Andrew is crying and sticking his fingers up his nose with a tissue (which still counts as “nose picking”) because he doesn’t have any friends in the house and he has no one to talk to.  Um, maybe it’s his nose picking that keeps people at arms length?  It’s a toss up.  Regardless, he pitches a b*tch-fit and tells Kathy and some other chick (who I didn’t even know was on the show until tonight) to “stop playing him like a fiddle.”  I hate that saying.  It makes fiddle playing sound so easy, but I bet you it’s hard.  Like, really hard.  Like as hard as Knockers del Toro’s knockers (del toro).
  • Why is Julie Chen wearing white?  We all know she does filthy boom boom.  She was pregnant last season.  You’re not fooling anyone Chen.  Not anyone!  Well, me a little, but I doubt anyone else.
  • Is Knockers not on slop this week?  She looks like she packed on a couple.  Maybe she’s “with child?”  That would be awesome.  Either way she looks like she needs a bath and definitely leaves a ring around the tub.
  • Chen is now making fun of Enzo’s accent.  Well if that isn’t the robot calling the kettle guido, I don’t know what is.
  • So, um, Matt’s wife does porn.  I’m kidding, I’m sure she doesn’t do it professionally, but I’m sure there’s an amateur video somewhere online.  I love when they have little interviews from loved ones of cast members.  There really is a lid for every pot.
  • Julie Chen is now chatting with Matt and his mile-high-bangs.  He’s the worst.  His fidgeting and hand gestures freak me out.  He must work in the IT department, yes?
  • Kathy is now giving her “please vote for me” speech.  She knows she’s not getting the electric chair if she loses, right?  No really, does she know this?  She’s telling us about the church and her grand mammy and grand pappy and I am very puzzled.
  • In what I thought was going to be Snoozefest ’10, Andrew’s speech was awesome.  I mean, he was talking as fast as the Micro-Machines guy, but it was great.  He called out Kristin and Hayden for having secret sex and then he told the rest of the house everything that Kristin and Hayden have said about them.  I thought Kathy looked shocked listening to all this, but then quickly realized she must keep her eyes like that as not to have her upper and lower eyelashes tangle.
  • Everyone seems to be voting to evict Andrew.  I’d sue for antisemitism if I were him.  I mean, I’m not sure if you can do that, but why the hell not.  I’d also sue Julie Chen for boring a nation, but that’s just me.  Perhaps you’d have your own lawsuits to deal with.
  • I vote to evict…Sandy Duncan, for reasons that only she knows.
  • Andrew gets the boot and Julie Chen basically tells him he was a sucky player by questioning every move that he made during the game.  It’s like, keep it in your pants Chen.
  • I love the “goodbye messages.”  Well, I loved them until Knocker del Toro started sassing it up by saying things like, “ain’t no one gonna come between me and my man.”  She is a horrific, horrific person. More importantly I think a future twist is that she actually is 80’s pop singer Tiffany.  You’ll thank me later.
  • In the end it was time for the HOH competition and it went, well, exactly how I thought it would.  Knockers is swearing and getting muted out and Julie has to tell her to keep it clean, everyone seems pissed off in general, and Julie just called it “Cinco de Mayo” but she pronounced it Mayo like short for “mayonnaise.”  Ole!
  • Knockers del Toro won the HOH and is shaking and crying, as am I.  Kill yourself.

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