Audrina Recap: Lynn, My Temporary Barb Evans

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Programming Note: IBBB decided to take a break from Real Housewives of OC recaps, as Peggy’s penis scares me.  Plus, we still have RHONY and don’t forget Real Housewives of New Jersey starts next month, so stay calm.  I thought I’d give Oddy Pats a try and see how it goes.

It was only a matter of time before Teefs Pats came back from the dead (behind the eyes) to let us all into her world post The Hills. I just can’t believe she has her own show and Lauren isn’t even here. I thought I would tune into this one because, let’s face it, if I could bring The Hills back I would and so, well, this is as close as we’re ever going to get.

The opening credits were a big hit in my eyes as they tried to make it like what I believe to be bad 80’s sitcom montage where Teefs Pats is wearing all different outfits and her whole family stands next to each other with their arms crossed and facial expressions that shout, “That’s our Audrina!” Speaking of which, we’ll get to her family in a minute.

Who knew that Oddy had so much going on in her life? And, most importantly, who knew that she had enough money to buy insane houses? Apparently if you don’t have much to say but have rack that looks good in a bikini people want to pay you large sums of money for that. I’m all in.

The first crapisode was honestly better than I excepted because Teefs Pats seems to do better when she basically isn’t reading from cue cards and chanting “I’m done” over J Bob. I also think it helps that she filed her beaver…teeth down a couple of sizes so that they actually fit into her mouth, although this makes it nearly impossible for her to be able to chuck wood efficiently. Oh, and she’s not even 26 yrs old yet and, well, I’m apparently 97 so now I’m kinda pissed and you should be too.

I am delighted to meet the rest of the members of her family. It’s not really possible for me to remember all of their names, but her dad is in the show and he’s kind of rocking a semi mullet and had chest hair up to this chin that makes me itchy to look at. Then there’s her brother, Marky, who kinda seems like he’s in on the joke of being on this show but pretty much wants his 15 minutes too. Oh, and no adult male should still be referred to as “Marky.” I don’t care if that is his legal name. Once you hit 21 you should be forced to change it to Mark. Or, maybe Mark E. Cheese’s. Either way it’s gotta go. Then there’s a little Patridge who’s only 15 years old and tattooless. Next. Then, as we all know, there’s her sisters Tats Pats who made many guest appearances during The Hills. She looks just like Teefs Pats with a little more beaver…teeth and about 3,028 tattoos. And she’s always pissed off.

And finally, thank Santa Christ, we have the mom, Lynn Patridge. Lynn is everything you’ve dreamed of and more. She may or may not be trashed in almost all of her scenes and I’ve been thanking God for that each minute since I’ve seen this episode. Not only does she appear three-sheets right off the bat, but they’re even showing that paparazzi footage from when she was trashed and talking smack about LC in front of some random restaurant. I’m glad that they’re not even trying to hide the fact that Lynn is a mess. A wonderful beautiful refreshing mess. She’s the kind of mess that while she’s sitting across from Teefs at dinner she’s closing her eyes while she talks and she speaking at a level you would talk in if you were giving the First Reading at Sunday mass and the microphone went out and the priest told you to speak up so the people way in the back could hear. Yeah, like that.

Lynn is freaking the F out because Teefs needs to move out of her multi-million dollar home in “The Hills” because of stalkers, lack of security, and “inmate mail.” She actually said that, right? Had I known it would be so easy to gain access to Teefs I would have bought an airline ticket to LAX months ago. Anyshuteyes, Lynn is angry-drunk over the fact that Teefs is not consulting her mom or her dad over moving into a new house. Meanwhile, her dad is red with embarrassment over the fact that Teefs is always in a bikini or lingerie on the regular and getting paid for it. I give it until episode 3 until he’s on set with her rubbing her down with oil.

We get to learn a little something about Teefs during the restaurant scene in which she claims she never saw that paparazzi footage of her mom from months ago. Lynn, who kind of reminds me of Lynn from Real Housewives of OC (minus the cuffs), begins to shed a few beer tears over how sorry she is for embarrassing her family that one drunken night. Teefs keeps telling her to not apologize and to never speak of it again. However, as soon as they “cheers” over this Lynn starts talking about it again. No joke, if she could catch her tears into a glass and drink it I’m pretty sure she’d be doing a shot of wine and in this economy that could be a very cost effective strategy.

Later we all get to follow along with Teefs and Mark. E. Cheese’s who go house hunting because they’re both going to live together and that’s not creepy at all no matter what you say. The one criteria that she has is that there has to be a lot of security and a lot of privacy. I agree and think it makes complete sense to be filming your life on a reality show especially if you want privacy. Seriously, she deserves to have inmates beating off on her front porch on the regular. The houses that they’re looking at are kind of insane and I’m hopeful that they’re only renting them and not buying them because it’s making me feel pretty bad about my college education.

Other stuff happens like a photoshoot where I’m almost certain that Teefs is going to need to carry a rape whistle on set because the photographer looks like he’s ready to jump on her. He may not even be a photographer. He’s probably just an escaped inmate with a disposable camera and a dream. However, more fun ensues at the end when the whole family gets together for a wonderful dinner.

Lynn is happy to have the whole family together since she claims she barely cooks anymore since all the kids are out of the house. Apparently she forgot that she still has a 15 yr old daughter as a tenant. I’m also sure that Lynn’s cooking time is crowding in on her happy hour time and, well, you must have priorities. Teefs is all excited because she’s going to complete her life dream of walking in a NYC Fashion Week fashion show and she gets to bring one person with her. And that person is, of course, her teeny bopper mom, Lynn. Lynn is totally living out her failed dreams in her daughter. However Tats Pats blows a gasket over this since she wants to go too and can’t understand why Teefs would invite Lynn’s Cuffs and not her. Uh, the answer is: You’re not enough of a drunk to go. Duh. Tats Pats seems to bang heads with Lynn over everything so hopefully there’s more drama to come with them. In fact, in her one on one interview, Tats Pats says that if Lynn wasn’t her mom she probably wouldn’t even be friends with her. Awww that’s nice, but save some for her Mother’s Day card.

In the end, Teefs dad brings out some random cake for them to smell because, you know, that makes sense and when it’s Teefs turn to smell the cake he pushes it in her face. I guess this is the second best option if she’s not planning on jumping out of it. I’m also pretty certain that this isn’t the first time that a guy surprised her by getting white cream all over her mouth and a little up her nose. Actually, that last sentence should end this recap.

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