America’s Next Top Model Recap: Who’s Going to Amsterdam!?

Poor Jenny is still being forced, by law, to recap America’s Next Top Model. It’s mandated community service hours. Here’s what went down last night on ANTM:
  • The show opens with the girls fighting over the European chicks. They say nobody understands what it’s like to be European. One of the other girls calls them out and says “didn’t you move to America when you were eight?” This leads to tears. Mine.
  • The Bobbsey Twins show up to teach the girls how to work accessories. Evidently, you don’t just wear them. Per James St. James, (what is this guy?) you wear green spandex over your face and body (kinda like green man from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia).
  • What a cast of characters we have showing up today…I can’t type fast enough to keep up with this. Nony Tochterman is here. She has the hair of a 76 year old woman who just got her hair “set” for the week at the salon—except it’s pink. She seriously looks like a character from an SNL skit. Remember that crazy lady with all the medication that Cheri Oteri played? Yeah.
  • For the challenge the girls are going to model Crazy McNutcase’s clothing line…with special effects…The girls are going to disappear, revealing only the clothes. I hope these effects are better than the cartoon lightning bolts from Tyra’s Megatron machine in the season opener.
  • The winner gets to be in a holiday photo shoot in the December issue of Seventeen Magazine. I say the winner should be allowed to reappear after the fashion show, while all the losers remain invisible for the remainder of the season.
  • PS- James St. James is literally wearing a white stegosaurus blazer.
  • Time for the s#it show! I mean, fashion show. Marjorie’s dress fell off and she didn’t even notice. This tells me quite a bit about Marjorie and what she’s like on a Saturday night.
  • Elina wins the challenge. Ok. Boring.
  • Another fight breaks out at the house because a girl is using teriyaki sauce and someone else uses a Chinese accent. It’s not the Asian girls that gets angry though, it’s the European girls. Why are they involved in this? No substitutions!
  • Whitney, the cycle 10 winner pops up for the Cover Girl commercial. Analeigh is psyched…She says “This is huge!” Better not let Tyra hear you talk about plus sized models like that Analeigh, or she will tell you to KISS HER FAT ASS!
  • I still don’t understand why they are allowed to show people’s puke on TV. When did this happen? Disgusting.
  • What the hell? Tyra just busted out wooden clogs for the girls to runway walk in. They are seriously like clown shoes. The wheels have officially fallen off this show.
  • Oh God. They are wearing clogs because they going over to seas to AMSTERDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!! All hell breaks loose as a cartoon windmill and kissing dutch boys/girls show up on the screen. Tyra is waving flags and the Bobbsey Twins are dressed up as windmills and prancing across the stage.
  • After the gleeful festivities, Tyra announces that not everyone is going to Amsterdam. Couldn’t she have had the Amsterdam party AFTER elimination? That’s like taking the cake and ice-cream out of the kid’s hand and kicking him out of the birthday party.
  • Which of the girls is NOT going to Amsterdam? Alina (a European chick) and Joslyn are in the bottom two. Tyra starts up with the trigonometry, telling us that there are 2 girls and only one photo in her hands. European chick is going to Amsterdam and Joslyn is going……..home……
  • See y’all in Amsterdam. Konichiwa bitches!

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