America’s Next Top Model: Music Video Modeling? Sure.

After last weeks episode of America’s Next Top Model was a recap, it’s not fun to have to recap a recap, but ANTM recapper, Jenny, is back this week to recap the holy hell out of this weeks episode of ANTM. Here are her brilliant thoughts:
  • Tyra Mail! Tyra’s Tyra mail actually says: “This why I’m hot….This is why you’re not….Love, Tyra” Thank you sweet Tyra, for reminding us how spectacular you are! Love, America.
  • Holy Hell. Tyra rolls up on the set with a cane and starts doing weird stretches with her legs. I immediately think of Sally O’Malley. She tells the girls she is going to teach them to be sexy and move for a TV camera.She uses “charade” type motions as she explains this. Hey Tyra, one word…three syllables….RETARDED.
  • Tyra again takes this time to remind us that she has a long history of music videos. Is she for real? What videos has she been in? And her own doesn’t count. Oh. Evidently she has been in a Lionel Richie video. I wish she would sing Ballerina Girl.
  • Tyra has all the girls wearing “nude” body suits. Now aren’t these the same body suits that she had those chicks wear on her talk show last week? The ones where everyone picked on this one girl, called her fat and made her cry? I never thought I would see these suits again. What is with these?Is Tyra starting a cult? If at any point in this episode the girls are wearing black Nikes and sipping on kool-aid (not the kool-aid from Bianca’s bangs), I’m alerting the authorities. Such as the Library of Congress Authorities and the Joint Aviation Authorities.
  • Miss Tyra teaches the girls to angry walk, slide down a mirror, crawl and hug themselves. They end the session by getting into a huddle and cheering. It’s heinous. All of it.
  • The models learn that they are going to be in a mystery music video. I hope it is Tyra’s “Shake Ya Body” radio edit extended long play remix featuring Timberland. What? Or Lionel Richie.
  • Oh bliss. It’s Enrique Iglesias. And/Or Kee-Kay. Who will he pick for his video? Maybe Benny Ninja.
  • Kee-Kay chooses Lisa for the video. However, Heather gets a “feature.” I knew someone would get a “feature” I’m wicked hip hop. I am not sure why they got picked, yet every girl gets to be in the video. I am confused. Tyra, you’re legally a genius, can you help me?
  • We learn that Heather hasn’t eaten since breakfast and it is now 8:00 PM. She passes out and needs medical attention. Bianca continues to hate on Heather and says she will never make it as a model. Umm…hello Bianca? Isn’t not eating and passing out what MAKES a model?
  • It’s judging time and Tyra reviews the video clips with the girls. She tells Ambreal that she looks “hoochie.” I think Tyra makes bets with herself that she can use the word hoochie at least once per episode. If you’ve ever seen Mayor Adam West on Family Guy, this is kinda how I picture Tyra to be when she is alone.
  • It’s nice to see that Tyra busted out the cabbage patch during judging. I wonder if she knows it’s not the 90’s? Well I’m not going to tell her.
  • Sara is no longer in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model. Whatever. But Tyra does leave us with a sneak peek of Kee-Kay’s new video. Weeeeee! God Bless us every one!
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