Reasons Why I’m Not Looking Forward to American Idol This Week

Yeah so “The Idol Machine” is back in full force this week and I’m not looking forward it all. Here’s why:

  • It’s Hollywood week which means that people are going to be singing the worst songs, which will probably include but not be limited to: “Sugar Pie Honey Bunch,” “My Girl,” “Baby I Need Your Loving.”
  • Heavy women will belt out “Band of Gold.” I will remember reasons I dislike this show.
  • Paula’s eyes will fill up when someone sings a song that doesn’t really sound that good to me and she’ll say something along the lines of, “You really touched me with your voice, your spirit, and your zest for life.” I will immediately remember Paula dancing with a rapping animated cat in 1989.
  • Randy will ask 99.9% of the people how they felt on stage and if they had a good time, dog. I will Google if you can regain the weight after having gastric bypass surgery.
  • 13 people will forget their lyrics and 4 of them will blame others in the hotel being too loud the night before. I will recall time when I was sleeping the night before a major final exam my senior year of college and one of my rommates (Doug) set a pizza box on fire and threw it out the window.
  • Paula and Simon will get into an “unplanned/un-rehearsed” fight and one of them will walk off stage. I will know this is rehearsed and will long for the days of the new season of The Hills.
  • I will sit in amazement of the amount of performers on stage who are crying that they are single parents and are doing this for their kids at home (probably chained to the radiator) and then the next scene will cut to them drinking beers in the hot-tub/hotel pool.
  • I will be tricked 8 out of 10 times when they call people in groups to the front line and then will send them home. I always think they’re the ones who are staying.
  • Finally, I will sit and try to figure out who has a criminal past and/or has been in porn.

Yes I complain about The Idol, but I will, sadly, probably (definitely) watch it. Damn them.

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