Idol Gives Back, I Give Up

Uh, did Ellen and Ryan have the same haircut? I mean, I know they’re wearing the same suit, but just needed some clarification on the haircut.

Earth, Wind, and Fire just took the stage. This dude is singing so high only dogs can hear him. Well, dogs and J Lo fans.

Oh crap, they’re trying to create another “We Are the World” song. This never works. They do this after every national disaster. I think they usually sell like 15 copies of the new songs. Next.

Yowza now they’re singing the new “We Are the World” song. I think this song is actually hurting donations.

Was Ben Stiller funny? This is like a really bad telethon. Actually, this is just like the telethon they did on Full House when they ler DJ, Stephanie, and Michele sing and dance. I will be pleasantly surprised if Kimmie Gibler comes out on the Idol stage on a unicycle. Fingers crossed.

Uh-oh, Paula is out talking to kids at the Boys and Girls club. She’s kinda pulling a “Tyra” because just as the kids start talking about their problems, Paula cuts in to talk about her issues. Brilliant. Speaking of which, I hope Tyra somehow makes it on the Idol stage. Again, fingers crossed.

Ouch. Il Divo is on stage. Ouch. I believe “Il Divo” is translated to “Kermit the Frog Impressions.” Now don’t quote me. I’m not 100% sure. I mean, I don’t speak Chinese.

Carrie Underwood was out in Africa singing, “I’ll Stand By You” to the poor little kids. That’s sweet. Although, you know what may have been more helpful? Yeah, if Carrie had some food or money or something. I mean, these kids are starving. The last thing they need is a sing-a-long. I don’t think they even know this song. Ok, well bonus points for wearing hot-pants in the jungle.

Hey even Tom from Myspace was there! I would have asked him if his tech team fixed my “sorry an error has occurred” message.

Hmmm while Paula was on stage I think she was “giving back” her boobs to the American public. Good for her at 64!

Why? Why must they continue to have the “Idol Kids” create these stupid car commercials? I’m embarrassed. No more please. Thank you.

Watching famous people lip-sync to “Staying Alive” is more entertaining than I thought. Sure the clips were real quick, but at one point I saw Kirstie Alley dressed as a priest, Terry Hatcher dressed like a 16 year old, “Ross from Friends” acting like “Ross from Friends,” and Golide Hawn looking like Nana. This segment alone was enough for me to give up these 2-hours of my life.

1-hour and 13 minutes into this telethon and still no sign of Oprah. Cheap whore.

In the worlds worst surprise, Celine Dion is singing a duet with Elvis. Hmmm Elvis is actually on stage. Clearly, he’s dead so bonus points for Celine using her “acting skills” ti look at him like he’s standing there with her. I say donate an extra $4.00 for those acting skills.

Update: I just contacted Elvis via my Ouija Board and he is, in fact, dead. Sadly, Celine is not. Ouch.

Great, Madonna is in Africa. I hope her British accent doesn’t rub off on them. They’ve already suffered enough.