Ugh. Watching the American Idol finale was like running a marathon. Whilst watching I had people handing me little cups of water so I could dump it over my head and they also handed me orange slices to keep up my energy. I guess it’s no real surprise who won, but what was really surprising are the Ranom McRandomson’s that are scattered all throughout the audience. We had Terry Hatcher in the audience, Janice Dickinson, Jerry Springer, and Melinda Dootlittle. Ok, so she’s not a celebrity, but I had to toss her in.
What was also mind-numbing, besides the whole thing, were the recaps of the God-awfully acted and sung commercials with the whole “Idol Gang” singing and driving terribly ugly Ford’s. Who the hell drives American cars anymore? Later, there were some type of reenactment of Gladys Knight with “the Pips” in the background which consisted of Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downy Jr. It was funny for about 4 seconds, but then they sang the entire song of “Midnight Train to Georgia.”
Right before they announced the winner the whole “Idol Gang- Girls” sang “Faith” by George Michael and then the whole “Idol Gang – Dudes” sang “Father Figure.” Then, all the guys and girls sang “Freedom” by George Michael. Hmm, I wonder if the big surprise is that George Michael is there. Oh wait, there is he is. How on earth did they ever manage to actually get George Michael…I mean with his public masturbation in public restrooms and falling asleep in cars due to excessive drug use? George Michael sings some random depressing song that almost forces me to lapse into a coma, but I stay alive long enough to see Paula Abdul lose her shit and break down into a crying mess. At one point they basically do a split-screen of George Michael singing and Paula crying. I cry, in turn, for myself.
At the end of the 6-hours, in which I will never ever get back in my life, the winner was announced. Congratulations David Cook you’re still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model. Oh wait, no, just congratulations. Now go bang Clay Aiken at your reunion tour.