Ah yes, the Idol is back and is just about ready to kick off 4 people so I thought it was the perfect time to recap that absolute piss out of last nights episode. Who stays? Who goes? How many times will Simon ask Paula what Ryan said? How many peace finger signs will Randy throw up? How many different ways will Paula clap during the show? All this and much much less is answered below. Here’s how the shitstorm went down:
- Perfect! Simon already asked Paula what Ryan just said and Paula whispers that she can’t hear him. Really? He’s standing about 5 feet from you and is talking directly to you. Why is Paula all normal during the first few audition episodes, but then turns into everyones crazy medicated grandmother during the live shows?
- Randy’s dressed like he’s heading to the sock-hop right after the show.
Paula is trying to say that these kids should have tried to get record deals before they tried out or they shouldn’t be on the show. At least I think that’s what she said. She may have been discussing a recipe for chocolate chip pancakes with a side of home-fries. I’ve lost track.
- Is Ryan fat this season?
- Oh crap. Now’s just about the time when I get embarrassed for myself. The guys are singing as a group and are dressed in suits. That one kid looks like Vanessa Minillo. I forget his name. And the kid with the long blond curly perm looks like Farrah Fawcett.
- Great, here come the girls. Many of them have scarves on their heads. They are now officially dressed for their 60’s routine?
- Wow, it’s only been 12 minutes and I already hate myself more this time this year then last year when Idol was on. This must be a record.
- David Archuletta is officially the Melinda Doolittle from last year.
- Oh, the kids name is Danny Noriega. He’s the one who looks like Vanessa Minillo.
- Jason Castro, for sure, will shoot the place up if he’s kicked off. For sure.
- The kid who looks like Farrah Fawcett just got the boot.
- Garrett, clearly, did such a good job the other night that he got the boot and gets to sing his crappy song again. Why is his mom on stage? He’s totally gonna get stuffed into a locker for that on Monday.
- Amanda Overmyer. Not only does she look like my old lunch lady, but I believe this chick is currently on Big Brother. Is that possible? Maybe they let her out of the house 3 times a week for the Idol?
- Katie Malloy is the skank of the season…I hope. Someone check myspace.
- They tried to pull the old switcheroo with Kristy. She gets to stay, but Amy Davis gets the boot. Good luck with the porn career Amy!
- Paula just told her to “paint that door and that knob.” Huh? She really said that. Does Paula smell burnt toast? Is she having a stroke?
- Holy Mc Skat Cat! They’re playing Paula Abdul’s new music video, which I believe it titled, “Dance Like There’s No Paula Abdul.” I’m already turning red. Oh crap Randy is playing the guitar. Is that Tila Tequila in the background dancing? Oh God this would be like watching your parents singing on stage. Gulp.
- Remember when they stretched out Paula Abdul’s body for the “Promise of a New Day” video? That was brilliant. I miss those days.
- What is the point of this show? Paula is just basically selling herself. I’m confused. Is this still a singing competition?
- Joanne got the boot and looks like she couldn’t care less. I know I couldn’t.
All the other girls are crying like they are spraying Joanne with bullets as she sings. There’s a war going on. This is ok.
- Colton gets the boot. Vanessa Minillo is already crying in the background.
- Simon tells Colton to get a job and sing on the side because he’ll never make it as a singer. Awesome. This kid should be on dirt nap watch.
This is finally over. It’s painful. Wanna read more about American Idol? Check out this site: American Idol 411