American Idol Recap in 25 Bullet Points


Sometimes I like recapping the American Idol Results show because it usually makes me cringe with embarresment…kinda like when you’re counting your money when you walk by a homeless person and quickly put it in your pocket and say you don’t have any as soon as they ask you for some cash. Kinda like that. Anycrest, let’s recap American Idol in bullet points? You with me? To hell with ya if you’re not. I’m leaving without you. Let’s go!

  • THIS is American Idol.  Seriously, no shit it is.  Why does Cresty always focus on the “this?”  Tomorrow I’m going to greet people by saying GOOD morning.
  • Sweet! Pickler is on the show tonight!  Boobs with a wig in a burlap sack.  Sounds like entertainment to me!
  • Paula is wearing dinner gloves, that’s always a good sign because it makes me think she got tanked at lunch and stopped at an iParty to by these gloves.  She’s basically wearing a tank top and dinner gloves.  The world rocks!
  • Pointless Surprise Alert:  Frankie Avalon makes a surprise guest appearance! How did they ever book him!?  I bet he was working the register at iParty when Paula was picking up her gloves.  You think these kids have any idea who this dude is?  I’m pretty sure they think it’s Joe Biden.  Hell, Ithink it’s Joe Biden.
  • Brady Bunch Silver Platters Group Song Alert:  Ouch.  It’s “Can’t Get You Outta My Head.”  Everyone seems to be wearing flannel shirts.  Is this a lesbian song?  P.S The blind dude keeps holding on to the person in front of him. I guess that’s safe.  Actually, good for him for dancing and moving around the stage.  I’m a miserable douche.
  • If I wanted to hear Adam Lambert screech and sing I’d strangle the hoooker to death who stands in front of my building.  Forget it, I already said it.  I’m going to strangle the hooker anyway.
  • Ford Music Video Commercial Alert: It’s a magic show? F’n stupid.  Can they make me disappear?  Or die?  I’ll take either at this point.
  • Wait, they’re singing Circus from Britney Spears.  Does she know about this crap? Terrible. All the Idol kids applaud after it’s over because they’re so “proud” of their work.  How come we never never see these commercials on actual television?
  • Celebrity Alert: The mayor of Kalamazoo is in the audience.  They applaud him for some reason.  Doesn’t someone need to run the city? Is Kalamazoo in the United States?  Maybe it’s like Puerto Rico.  No idea.
  • Elimination time!
  • Adam Lambert is safe. The coyotes in the canyon get to howl for another week.
  • Kris is safe.  Who is Kris?
  • Anoop is in the bottom 3. I doubt he’ll go home.  Americans loved Slumdog Millionaire.
  • Flo Rida comes out to sing.  All the judges are gone.  They leave for this?   This is the best part of the show!  They should’ve left when the kids were doing their group song.
  • Danny Gokey is safe. I hope next week he wears his Sally Jesse Raphael eyeglasses.
  • Matt (with the forehead pimple) is safe after Crest gave him the lamest psychout ever.  How does Cresty sleep at night?
  • Scott is in the bottom 3.  Cresty escorts him to the chair like he’s courting him.
  • Alison and her braces are safe. Hopefully we get to see her headgear.
  • Lil Rounds. Lil Rounds. Lil Rounds.  Just wanted to say her name three times. Lil is in the bottom three.  Bring on Pickler.
  • Watching Anoop, Lil, and Scott is like sitting in on a meeting at the UN.
  • Pick Pickler! She’s back! Whoa.  She’s looking kinda like Julianne Hough and that’s a good thing.
  • Lil Rounds is safe.  Phew, I guess.  I hope next week she sings “Sittin’ Up in My Room” next week.  That song will totally save her. 
  • Finally, it’s the end.  I almost made it!  Scott gets the boot. Well that sucks.  See how nice I was for just saying that?
  • American Idol Hates Blind People Alert:  They didn’t decide to save him.  Damn that soap poisoning!
  • The end.
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