American Idol Recap: Boston, Wicked Pissah! Who’s Singin’ Unbreak My Haaaaahht?


Sully!  Aahh ya kiddin’ me?  Stahtin’ American Idol off in Boston (baby!) is so retahhded I can’t even stand it.  Had I known, I woulda gone ‘cuz I sing wicked pissah in the showah. I can belt out “Smooth Opahratah” by Sade like nobodies business. My muthah always says it to me.

Anyway, I can never commit to doing a consistent American Idol recap as each week it’s on like 6 times for two hours each time and, well, if I ever plan on doing stuff like socializing and sex again, I’m going to want to leave my apartment from time to time.  However, I’m doing neither tonight so let’s go!  Here’s what went down over the course of two hours (mixed with many beers) on American Idol.

  • Wow.  2 seconds in and I remember how much this show makes me so embarrassed.  They’re taking all these camera shots of people screaming, “No! I’m the next American Idol” the way that you yell “no” to a rapist who’s following you home from the bar.  Why do you always run so fast from me?
  • I’m so psyched that they’re starting with Boston.  Oh.  And they’re also starting with Postoria Beckham.  I miss Paula already.
  • Holy hot-pink muffin top!  We’re starting with Janet.  Janet, who we’ll just pretend works at Home Depot because I’m sure it’s not too far of a stretch, has mastered the American Idol karaoke game and computerized Simon always gives her positive feedback.  She’s a shoe-in!  Once my Speak-n-Spell said (insert robot voice) “c-o-n-g-r-a-t-u-l-a-t-i-o-n-s” after I spelled “encyclopedia” correctly, but you don’t see me joining in on a Spelling Bee do you?  Anygut, Janet preps for her song by jumping up and down in the bathroom and, I sh*t you not, actually yells “you’re wicked awesome.”  I would laugh out loud if  only her stereotypical Boston vocabulary wasn’t so dead on.  She ends up singing “Pocketful of Sunshine.”  She nails it.  I’m kidding.  She sounded like my drunken 2nd grade nun.  When can we buy this on iTunes?  Janet also thinks that one of the judges is Paula Abdul.  It’s not Paula. It’s Kara.  She may not have recognized her as she looked about 198 pounds sitting next to Sticks Beckham who, for some inexplicable reason, is dressed like La Isla Bonita.
  • Can someone tell Simon that he needs to specifically tan the lines around his eyes?  He looks like he’s wearing cat make-up every time he smiles.  He should steal some of Seacrest’s bronzer.
  • Maddy is the first person heading to Hollywood.  She’s 16, has 3 brothers who have Downs Syndrome, and sings “Hallelujah”  Yeah, nice set up, “Idol.”  There’s no way they were going to say “no” after watching that montage.
  • Pat Ford, from Derry NH (sorry, Derry) is singing Womanizer by Britney Spears.  He also yells “Holla!” every 3 seconds and slaps his hips on a constant loop.  I’m actually pretty sure this is one of Victoria Beckham’s sons.  Schecky Beckham, I believe.
  • Some good “singers” are mixed into the rest of the mess.  This is done partially so we can know who we’ll see in Hollywood and partially because it makes the producers of American Idol not feel so bad for highlighting those who are most likely on suicide watch as I type this.
  • Speaking of suicide watch, we are only 30 minutes in?  Crap.  Well, time to double up on the beers and, no, I’m not kidding.
  • Capitalizing on the success of Jersey Shore, we get to go inside the home of Armadeo and his Italian family from Rhode Island.  Lots of gel, lots of wax, and maybe a poof or two.  Later he sings.  Well, he yells.  All the judges like him.  Me?  I was hiding under my couch because I thought a tornado warning alarm was ringing, but it was just his singing “Hoochie Coochie.”  Personally, I like when Charro did it better.
  • Next up, we have Derek Hilton who claims he sounds like a mix between Chris Brown and The Eagles.  He claims he likes Chris Brown because of the way he touches kids all around the world.  If by “touches” he means “punches” and by “kids” he means “Rihanna” and by “all around the world” he means “in their car after a pre-Grammy party” then, yeah, I guess I get it.  No, no I don’t.  Fail.
  • Isn’t Victoria Beckham giving singing critique kind of like Nell Carter giving “coming back to life” advice?
  • Now’s lets give a nice warm round of applesauce to Mere (Mary) Doyle.  Mere likes Japananimation, having yellow teeth, and looking like the original Becky from “Roseanne.”  I’m kidding.  Only three of those things are true.  She sings a song by Janice Joplin….or Jody Foster….or Judy Blume.  I’m not really sure, as I ran to the kitchen to, you guessed it, open another beer.  Apparently a keg will be needed for next weeks episode.
  • Ugh.  I hate the part when people start doing the bee-boppin-scat-jazzin-finger-snappin singing.  Bring back the crazies and someone get Poshtoria a bacon, egg, and cheese on a multigrain before we have to add some additional pounds via green-screen computer animation.
  • We wrap up the hour with Andrew Felon who is probably the most entertaining thus far.  I mean, sure he’s as fake as a season of The Hills, but hell even The Hills is entertaining from time to time.  He has a sass-off with Simon and then with Kara.  Why does Kara always lean forward every single time she speaks, kinda like she’s bidding on a set of ladies golf clubs in Contestants Row on “The Price is Right.”
  • Alright so we’re 1 hour in.  I’ve newly sh*t, shower, shaved, shellacked, and yelled “Snooki” out my 30th floor window.  I’m ready to wrap this bitch up!  I’m cracking another beer and am going to keep drinking until I shed beer tears over Paula not being here…and here we go….
  • In “The Singer Aaliyah Has Come Back to Life” news, we have Ashley.  She sings something by Alicia Keys and is pretty hot.  If this singing doesn’t work out for her she can totally be a newscaster on WHDH Channel 7, Boston.  However, she sings great.  Although she seems like the kind of girl that wouldn’t give you the time of day at a bar and by “you” I mean “me.”  If Paula was here (moment of silence) she’d tell Ashley, “I love your spirit and your zest for life and I can see your heart.  You make me wanna hug you and put you on my fireplace and…who’s there?  Did someone just say something?  Simon.  Coke.”
  • Some kid just informed us he fell out of a tree and shattered both his wrists.  Nice try buddy.  Switching hands during “self pleasure” is such a rookie mistake.  I hope you learned your lesson.  Perv.  He finishes things up by singing “Let’s Get It On.”  Great, we have Adam Lambert’s skinnier brother on the show.  Yuck I hate that joke I just wrote.  Screw it, I’m keeping it.
  • Finally someone with a true Boston accent.  Enter: Lisa Olivero.  She’s from Billerica and works at Joe’s American Bar and Grill where, I believe, they shit in your mashed potatoes.  She’s dressed like Snooki, has a partial freakin’ poof, and looks about 45 due to assumed excessive tanning.  She sings “Vision of Love” by Mariah Carey and she sounds sooooo good.  In fact, she sounds just like all the drunken girls who sing at the top of their lungs at Clark’s in Faneuil Hall in the summer.  I’m kidding, she’s terrible.  Although I would never say that to her face as she is more than likely to kick the crap out of my arse.
  • We’ve had a few additional good singers tossed into the mix with some heartbreaking touching stories.  I may or may not have fallen asleep for a few minutes with my computer on my lap.  I almost burnt my penis over American Idol?  Again.
  • Celebrity Spawn Alert: The love child of “Earth Wind and Fire’s” Verdine White and Lisa Bonet from The Cosby Show, I am proud to introduce Noberto Guerrero.  Noberto sings Cascada’s “Every Time We Touch” and that’s just the boring part!  For some reason, Noberto has stolen Jody Watley’s hair from her “Looking For a New Love” video and the clothes off of Michael Jackson’s dead body seconds before the ambulance came to pick him up.  However, my favorite part is his “The Count” from Sesame Street eyebrows that, mathematically speaking, are a direct match.  Song fail.  Human success.
  • Almost over!  The Nigerian kid as good and the chick, Leah, at the end was great.  See?  I can be nice.  Goooood night!  Drop mic.

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