It’s the second to last American Idol episode, so you know what that means….they are going to recap the hell out of the last season. Oh God. I don’t need to see the what happened 13 weeks ago, or however long it was. Anyway, here’s how the crapisode went down:
- Hmmm, does Paula have a new nose? Where are her bruises? She should have worn one of those big nose and mustache with sunglasses disguise.
- Ryan makes some bad joke about Paula’s dog being a bitch. Seriously, I could write better jokes than that. Ok, well maybe not better, but certainly meaner.
- They have an actual “coin toss” to see who chooses if they go first or second. Yeah, this isn’t the Superbowl. This is the worst competition in television history. If I won the coin toss I would have walked off the stage.
- Blake wins the coin toss (by the way the coin looked like a casino chip from the MGM Grand in Vegas) and he decides to go first.
- Blake sings Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name (or whatever it’s called). Of course he beat boxes the bitch out of the song. It was horrific. Right now my friend Janine must be punching her TV. Is this song supposed to sound like an opera with strobe lights? Maybe.
- By the way, Randy Jackson is wearing a Michael Jackson jacket, equipped with gold chains on the sleeves and shoulders.
- Paula gave Blake a “10 + 10+ 10+ 10.” No really, she did. Paula’s dog is officially smarter than her.
- Jordin sings “Fighter” by Christina Aguigrtklerkla. She sounds out of breath. She’s kinda talk-singing. Uh-oh, is she the female version of the male version of the female version of Sanjaya. Where the hell is he/she by the way?
- Back to Randy. Could he clear security with that jacket?
- Paula grabs the mic again like she’s on The Price is Right. I missed that over the past few weeks. $1.00 Bob, $1.00!
- Why is Ryan dressed like he’s the banker in Monopoly?
- Blake is back singing a Maroon 5 song. I’m switching over the Red Sox/Yankees game. Sweet, the Sox are up 3 – 0. Suck on that, Yankees.
- Does Blake dye his hair in between commercial breaks?
- When Paula gives her “thoughts” she says something about getting the first song out of his back and then told him to relax. Uh, only Frankie says relax.
- Jordin is back up singing some country song…A Broken Wing? Broken Wings? Break and Wink? I’m not sure what it is.
- What do you think Justin Guarini is doing right now?
- So, some random dudes wrote a song for the finale, called “This is My Now.” Without even hearing it I already know it’s going to be about chasing a dream and a goal and then achieving that goal.
- Yup, that’s what the song is about. I’d prefer to call this song “A Moment Like This 2.0”
- I’m surprised how much blood can actually pour out of ones ears.
- Jordin takes a shot at singing the same song. Wait, is this the same song? Clearly created for a girl to sing. Oh those tricky little American Idol producers!
- Poor Jordin can’t finish the last note because she starts to cry. Yeah, nice touch. Take the onions out of your bra.
- So who will win? My vote is for Nicki McKibbin, season 1. No?