American Idol Finale: Thank Christ

Hmmm, Blake and Jordin kick off the night singing together. I already hate myself for watching this. Clearly, I’m a 13 year old girl.

As a side note, Jordin is about 5 feet taller than Blake. She’s kinda like Barney.

Uh, ok now Gwen Stefani is live from her concert. What does this have to do with Jordin or Blake winning American Idol?

Great, now Kelly Clarkson is here to sing. I’m actually glad she’s there. It’s good for her to show the other contestants that no matter how famous you get, you can still be a fat-ass and the money will still pour in. What does this have to do with Jordin or Blake winning American Idol?

Why is Kelly Clarkson always so angry? That’s not healthy…or entertaining.

Somehow American Idol decided to slow things down by giving away awards for random people during the season. In other words, if you’re retarded you may get an award. My site should be up for many many awards.

So the chick that dressed like Big Bird won an award. She makes out with Ryan on stage. Clearly that’s the only action he’s ever received from a woman. Seriously, how is this lady on TV and not me. If I wasn’t alone and sitting on my couch I would be convinced I was on an acid trip. Also, what does this have to do with Jordin or Blake winning American Idol?

Hey! Sanjaya is back on stage with the other 6 dudes who were on the show. Oh, and their singing. Again, in typical American Idol fashion they’re all wearing white suits. How’s your subliminal racism?

What a surprise! Smokey Robinson comes out to sing. The crowd screams like they have any clue who this is. I’m puzzled that Smokey Robinson is still alive.

Oh Christ. Blake now is having a “beat-box-rap-off.” Is this a joke? Sadly no. I’m already in the process of shredding my passport and moving to Canada. Yes. Canada. Dear Blake, kill yourself. Signed, IBBB.

Now the top 6 girls are out singing on stage. Wow, what a surprise, they’re all in white. Racists. They’re singing “I Heard it Through the Grapevine.” Gladys Knight appears and the crowd, again, screams like they know who she is. You know she’s going to start singing “Midnight Train to Georgia.”

Yup, she’s singing “Midnight Train to Georgia.” Again, what does this have to do with Blake or Jordin winning American Idol?

Sweet! They’re showing people in the crowd! These people consist of Justin Guarini and David Hasselhoff….or as I like to call it, “Justin Guarini looking into a crystal ball.”

Now enters Tony Bennett. He’s sing-talking “For Once in My Life.” Oh crap. Now he’s yelling. He’s yelling it like a grandfather yells at his imaginary friends.

Wow! Jordin and Blake just won a Ford Mustang. Blake does a horrible “Borat” impression. I officially hope he loses. I also hope his car somehow backs over him.

Hey, it’s Carrie Underpants! I’m surprised she isn’t wearing short-shorts. Oh, and by “surprised” I really mean “disappointed.” I feel like she isn’t as good of a singer without her short-shorts. She’s also less interesting.

And..enter Clive Davis who, clearly, is still alive. Wait, is that Rudy Guiliani?

Sanjaya is back on stage. He continues to sing-talk. Again, what does this have to do with weather Blake or Jordin win American Idol.

Great! They cue that little girl who cries. I am about 3 minutes away from jumping out my 30th floor window.

Wow it’s Taylor Hicks. How did they ever get him to appear? Do you guys still think it’s funny that you voted for him because he had grey hair? Yeah, not so cool anymore, right?

Rubin Studdard is here too. I thought he died from gastric bypass. Wait, unless they’re doing the same thing they did with Elvis a few weeks ago. Hmm, tricky.

Bette Miler is now singing “Wind Beneath My Wings.” No really, she is. Why? No clue. I’m surprised that even after 15 years of this song coming out it still makes me want to kill myself. You know what, Bette, you fly higher than an eagle. Screw you.

Ok it’s officially been 1 hour and 45 minutes. There is still no winner.

And the winner is….Jordin. Good night.

Wait, seriously Paula is crying like she just won. Good night.