American Idol Dallas Recap in 17 Bullets


  • I don’t even know why I’m recapping this episode.  I think if I type while watching it somehow erases the fact that I’m a grown man who actually still watches this show.  It could be worse, however.  I could be doing what Seacrest is doing at the start of the show which is standing on top of a building dressed like Tiger Woods in a red polo shirt and black pants and screaming THIS is AMERICAN Idol.  Why does he always say it like that?  He puts so much emphasis on those words that he ends up sounding like a rabid rapist in heat screaming at the homeless woman he’s got chained up to the rusty dumpster behind the corner bar.  Um.  Whoa.  Just for example.
  • If this is American Idol show me the receipts.
  • So we end up in Dallas, TX for this round of auditions.  Great.  Women with bleached out hair, penciled in eye brows, and zinc-pink lipstick and guys who look like they just finished having sex with their sister….when in all reality they had sex with their father.  But I digress.  Oh, and Neil Patrick Harris is a guest judge because, you know, that makes any kind of sense.  Maybe next week Carla from “Cheers” will guest judge.  Oh! Or Roz from “Night Court!”
  • We kick things off with Julie Kevelighan.  Julie looks like she just gave oral pleasure to Jokey Smurf who, in turn, exploded all over her.  She appears to be the kind of girl who’s about to combust at a moments notice, but not before shooting up her entire office.  American Idol today, 6:00 news tomorrow.  Julie sings “Black Velvet.”  At least I think that was what she sang.  She could have been yelling the Gettysburg Address.  You know who she looks like?  Remember “Montana” from Real World Boston?  Yeah, her.  Big forehead and crazy eyes, a recipe for success in Dallas.
  • Neil Patrick Harris is taking this crap very serious.  He just told some guy, who I just assume is Ruben Studdard, that he likes him, but he needs to have more pizazz.  Really Doogie?  Take it down a notch and stop dressing like Ellen while you’re at it.
  • Should Randy Jackson really say to a female contestant, “You can really blow, man.”  The girl responds, “Oh thank you” and suddenly I think I’m more interested in her than I was just 15 seconds ago.
  • I wonder if the producers instruct the contestants to act like they’re having a seizure in front of the camera when they get their “golden ticket.”  It’s the worst.  Everyone does this fidgety dance and pulls on the piece of the paper while they scream into the camera and their family (of cling-ons) chases after them in the background.  It’s all terrible.
  • It’s been about 39 seconds since our last crazy, so let’s bring out Dexter Ward.  Sporting a thicker Hitler mustache and orange faux-hawk, Dexter practically vogues his way into the audition room, but not before winking at the camera with his eye and mouth about 10 times.  He’ll be singing “If I Ever Fall In Love” by Shai.  He’s partially singing it and partially sassin’ like he’s on Maury Povich and being told his “girlfriend” is having a baby with his “best friend.”  He doesn’t make it to Hollywood, but he does make it onto this blog so, well, there’s that.
  • Ryan is spending a lot of 1 on 1 time with Neil Patrick Harris.  That’s all I’m going to say about that.  That. Is. All.
  • I love you, you’ll whip me, we’re an F’d up family.  Erica, who used to be on Barney and Friends when she was little is apparently still alive and wearing all leather and even brought a whip to her performance.  She’s singing “Free Your Mind” by En Vouge and, spoiler alert, she gets through to Hollywood.  I guess if you get molested by a purple dinosaur during your youth, society really owes you one, you know?
  • I miss Paula.
  • So a contestant has Tourette’s.  I know, I know, you think I’m going to make a cheap joke.  I’m not.  I hope he makes it as this may increase the chances he calls Simon a mother f*cker s*ck b*alls pig whore during judging.  As a sidenote, similar to OCD and Hoarding, I think I can catch Tourette’s just by watching someone who has it.  He makes it to Hollywood, but Iwill be changing the channel when he comes on before I end up f*ck you, c*ock sucker skank d*ck!
  • Oh awesome we’re switching up the guest judge.  I wonder who it’s going to be? Kill. Me.  Joe Jonas?  What?  Terrible.  I actually think it’s just Paula wearing a shaggy wig.
  • Joe Jonas is doing a great job so far.  He’s just said, “yeah” the entire time.  Sadly it seems like Neil Patrick Harris is more qualified at this point.
  • Vanessa, the human equivalent of Bubblicious, sings “At Last” by Etta James.  She most certainly on a meth binge and I’m thinking of taking up a drug addiction just to get me through the rest of this show.  Why do I do it every time?
  • Finally we end the night of horror with Christian Spears.  Before she even sings one note we get the entire back story of how she had cancer as a child.  Hmm, do you think they’ll send her through after showing us this?  She sings her dress off and makes it to Hollywood.  Good for her.  Good for everyone.  Well, not me, but it’s nice to see some people are experiencing success in life.
  • It’s finally over.  I’m going bathe in bleach.  Adios.

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