On a Very Special Episode of 16 & Pregnant…

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Oh MTV aren’t you the cunning one (latin meaning: person with two c*nts). As a way to try and stop me from making fun of “girls in trouble” they’ve decided to toss a 16 year old with an eating disorder my way to see how I would handle it. Well, my friends, this isn’t my first time being entertained by those who are afraid to eat food. Take one Miss Donna Jo Tanner. Seemed like a normal 15 year old right? Wrong. You see, she just wanted to go to Kathy Santone’s pool party but knew she had to slim down those chipmunk cheeks so she basically did the stairmaster at the gym with her whole family (including Ant Becks in a one piece cameltoe induced unitard) until she had to do what I like to call “the one knee touchdown” after doing too much cardio and not eating for three days. I can still hear Ant Becky telling DJ to just try and eat better like having “chicken, fish, or fresh veggies.” Thanks Full House for preparing me for this episode of “16 & My Gentlemen Greeter Shall Explode Within the Hour.”

Meet Kayla. Kayla lives in Minnesota, which apparently isn’t a fictitious place referenced on the Golden Girls circa 1988. The More You Know (cue shooting star). Kayla may or may not be Lady Gaga without makeup. We ‘gon take a DNA to find out. Blonk! Bloop, bloop, bloop! Kayla and her boyfriend Mike are expecting their very first baby together and while on the outside Kayla seems like a ball of energy, on the inside she is feeling fat and gross due to a little dance with a disease called the Anorexia or Anorexia for short. Depends which way you slice it. While Kayla feels fat it certainly isn’t stopping her from wearing a bikini with her friends and playing a quiet game of volleyball in front of the cameras on a highly rated national television show. She’s feeling like she’s going to be missing out on a lot of sleepovers and pictures with her friends now that she’s with child. I’m not sure why she keeps on referencing all these sleepovers but I guess that’s what you do when you call Minnesota home. I love it. At one point she actually says, “Aww babies ruin everything.” She’s sounding so motherly already!

Kayla and her boyfriend are literally laughing over the night she got pregnant, which was his birthday and they basically made whoopie in his twin bed with 101 Dalmations sheets.  Oh the fun.  She even had a case of the giggles when she reminisced about how she told him she wasn’t taking any form of birth control and how he wasn’t using a condom.  Insert laugh track here____.  Seriously, if I was her parent you wanna know what I would have done?  I would have been like, “Oh you think this is funny?  Great.  Come here for a second and drink this fresh pitcher of Bleach Spritzers I made and then get inside the f**king washing machine because you’re going on the spin cycle until this problem is solved.”  There I said it. I don’t care.  Oh, and then I would have fitted her for a cement vagina stopper so that this would never happen again.  I’d give her words of wisdom like, “Keep sex in your mouth, tramp” and the like.  Hallmark would get  hold of me and give me my own greeting card line.  Life would be nice.  Where the hell was I?

Whilst this family doesn’t have a puffy leather couch, they are rocking a regular puffy couch, and they do have two more crucial ingredients in a “poors sandwich” which is, of course, lime green walls and leopard print pillowcases.  Ole!  For those of you playing along at home, take a shot of pitocin!

Kayla’s mom is still angry with her for knocking boots and making a baby, but her time and focus is spent with her new boyfriend who, let’s just assume, is named Rusty and is in Kayla’s class.  Camouflage everything?  Check!  While her mother told her she was crying when she found out she was pregnant, Kayla admits to wanting to laugh.  That’s normal.  I hope she keeps that great sense of humor when her coin slot turns into confetti while she’s in labor and delivery.  I picture it to be like an episode of Xuxa!  At least I hope it is.

Dear God this episode is 90 minutes long?  Unless this somehow morphs into an episode of Intervention I’m going to have a hard time committing.  After they find out they’re having a boy they decide that they’re going to need “stuff” for the baby.  There’s just two problems.  1.  They don’t have any money.  Oops.  2.  They go to the “baby store” but have no idea what a baby needs or basically even what a baby is.  I’m pretty sure they think the newborn can sleep in a highchair as soon as he gets back from the hospital.  They should take parenting tips from Amber and Gary and just keep the baby in a box.  And then Mike is asking ridiculous questions like, “How many diapers do you think the baby is going to need.”  Really?  This is the most logical question you can come up with?  6,409.  That’s how I would have answered.  I would have said, “The baby needs 6,409 diapers, unless it’s a leap year and then he’ll need 6,410.”  Now to be honest I don’t fully understand how a leap year works so I may be off by a diaper or two.  I also wonder how many tissues the baby will need during allergy season.  How many sneezes, on average, do babies usually do?  Ugh, everything is Word Problems.

You know who looks like they should be wearing a t-shirt that says, “One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila…Floor!”  Kayla’s mom.  That’s who.  She looks like she couldn’t care less that anything of this is going on around her.  When Kayla asks her mom for help with figuring out what the baby is going to need, the mother actually says, “I don’t think this is something you plan for.”   Perfect.  Something tells me this is the same way that her “safe sex” talk went.  Also, I may not have salt-n-pepa hair like Dr Drew, but something tells me that the way they both look down when they talk to each other signals even more deep rooted problems.  Also, I don’t care.

Later Kayla finally gets to have that creepy sleepover that she’s been ranting and raving about for the past 30 minutes.  And to make things even creepier, for a family basically living in a house held up by cinder blocks they sure do have an abundance of extra mattresses laying around the house.  No joke, about 5 friends came to the sleep over and everyone was carrying mattresses. It’s like stop spending money on mattresses!  After the sleepover Kayla talks to her mom about getting fat.  Well, it’s more like her mom brought it up.  Ouch.  Kayla admits to looking in the mirror and crying because she’s gained 12 pounds.  She then asks her mom if it’s ok to lose weight while pregnant and still have it be ok.  Her mom says, “I don’t think so.”  Ugh, this one again. I would have grabbed her by her hand, brought her into the car, and driven her to the therapist for immediate treatment.  To make matters worse, her mom ends up ditching her to go to a Twins game with her boyfriend and when Kayla calls her out on the fact that she never even invited her to go her mom just says, “well ok” and then walks out the door.  Something tells me that we’re pealing the layers back on why this chick is about 5 days away from going on the toothbrush diet.  The only light moment in all of this is watching Kayla stand alone in her kitchen I noticed a large jar that said “baby fund” and it had about $1.50 in loose change in it.  I assume they found that change whilst moving large quantities of mattresses throughout the house.

Here’s the part that bothered me the most.  Kayla ends up calling her mom to talk to her about how bad she felt that she wasn’t invited to the game and how she still needs a mother, to which Debra responds by saying, “At 17 years old you don’t need your mother around 24/7.”  Annnd insert toothbrush.  What a real shame.  I want to buy her a puffy leather couch and tell her that things could be worse and that her mother could try to stab her with a butcher knife and then almost get shot when the police come to the house because she answered the door with two butcher knives in her hand and then she was court ordered to pick up trash along the highway with a government issued trash claw…and they could keep replaying that clip in every episode of Teen Mom she was in.  So, yeah, like that.

What the F do you people do for fun to pregnant women?!  Kayla has her friends come over to hang out and probably have another sleepover so they decide it would be fun to paper mache her stomach to bring to school.  I have no idea what any of this means or why they’re doing it but before long they’re tearing up pieces of newspaper, dipping it in flour and water, and sticking it to her stomach.  Next thing you know she has to sit down and feels like she’s going to pass out.  Apparently, all she ate that entire time was a few Vanilla wafers of some sort and that makes you sleepy pants.  Kayla has her friend (who I’m pretty sure if Megan from Teen Mom; Chelsea’s friend) call the doctor and tell him her symptoms.  As soon as the doctor says to bring her immediately to labor and delivery ASAP, Kayla’s friend loses her sh*t, starts crying, and whispering “I’m scared” as the doctor keeps saying “hello?  hello?” over the phone.  Way to stay strong, bricks.

Kayla’s mom comes to visit her in the hospital and hour later because she’s with her boyfriend, Rusty McCamo-Beard III, and this whole thing ended up just happening because Kayla didn’t eat that day.  Go figure.  This entire episode makes me completely angry.  While I know she has a disorder and it’s not “her fault” I kinda blame the mom for a lot of this.  I mean, I’m solely judging her based on these edited clips over the course of 90 minutes but how else are you supposed to view people if you can’t make snap judgments on them?  Even when Kayla and her mom go see the nutritionist and the nutritionist tells her that she shouldn’t be eating her meals alone and that her mom should be eating with her, you could see the look go across Debra’s face and I’m almost certain I saw dust shoot up from her vag.  No more banging Rusty on the regular because it’s dinner time for the next 6 weeks!  Ole!

Sidenote:  Does this chick’s stuffy nose end up clearing up once during this episode or no?

If we fast forward through some more eating issues we’re right up to speed and Kayla’s water breaks in the middle of the night.  She’s all freaked out and doesn’t know what to do so she wakes up her mom who is as chipper and lovely as ever.  When Kayla tells her that her water broke and she has cramps, her mom tells her to just lay down and she’s sure it’s nothing.  Why is it all of a sudden that I finally understand the tough love parenting of Barb Evans?  This lady is the worst.  She was probably playing “No You’re Dirty Sanchez” with Rusty and didn’t want to be disturbed.  Kayla finally made a good decision in her life and she and Mike decided to go to the hospital anyway without telling her mom.

Kayla ends up being in labor for about a good old 24 hours.  What’s worse is that there is no mention of pitocin at all.  Ok fine, what’s worse is that she ends up having to have a c-section because her body can’t dilate to 10.  I once knew a girl who was always dilated to 10, but for other reasons.  At least during the c-section there was a little puking going on so that made me feel better.  I mean, she wasn’t puking into the Teen Mom potato salad container, but still puke was involved so I felt like it wasn’t a total waste of a scene.  Debra finally made it to the hospital just in time to cry when she saw the baby (my money is on “withdrawals”) and to give absolutely no advice except, “what do you think” when Kayla asks her anything about how to take care of the baby.

Once they’re home her mom fails at life again because she decides to go against her word of taking a week off from work to help Kayla and the baby by going back to work the next day and saying “she’ll be fine and will figure it out.”  Here’s the thing, is this b*tch such bricks that she doesn’t even know how to “fake it” for the camera and pretend that she is actually not dead inside.  It’s like, thanks for that nasty pot roast you made for the first time in 15 years, but I’ll take 1 heaping of love if you can muster up any.  And what’s even crazier is that Kayla’s boyfriend, Mike, is actually not a douchenheimer and is really stepping up and doing the right thing.  Personally, I think it’s because he doesn’t own any video games.  That seems to be the trigger.  If the “baby daddy” owns video games then forget it.  He’s a douche.  It’s like an SAT scenario of: Puffy leather couches is to “the poors” as video games are to mentally abusive baby daddies.  See how that works?  I actually have no idea.  I think I scored a 100 on my SATs and, well, write this blog so you can only imagine what goes on in my head.

I hate to say “yawn” but Kayla is still having eating issues and the only way she knows how to feel better is to skip meals…which is F’ing up her breast feeding the baby so they have to switch to formula.  Luckily they have a ton of extra money so this is fine.  Oh, they don’t?  Oh.  Look I’m not going to pretend to know how to get over an eating disorder, but I’m going to venture a guess that if it is now negatively impacting your newborn baby, maybe it’s time to see the therapist and get some treatment on the regular.  And you totally know this chick will make it onto the newest season of Teen Mom because she hit the motherload which is: Major Body Issues, Trashbox Mother, Poor.  It’s a recipe for success.  If only Mike would be a complete d*ck then I’m sure she would just get her own spinoff.    Most importantly, the lighting in that house is terrible.  It’s giving me a headache.

As if Debra can’t possibly get any worse she really tops herself this time because she sits down with Kayla and Mike to let them know that Mike needs to start contributing $300 a month if he wants to continue living there.  I found myself, out loud, saying, “Oh FU, b*tch” to the television during this moment.  This poor kid only works part time because he still wants to stay in school and he still pays for everything that the baby needs.  So Debra asks him to make his job full-time so that he can give up the $300 to her.  When they explain that they’ll both need to leave school if that happens she just says, “Well if Mike wants to continue living here he needs to pay me $300.”  I guess the price of meth is going up because Debra is a women who needs her money.  She should really use it to get her teeth fixed, especially that one tooth that’s spaced out about 5 inches from the rest.  You’re on TV, at least fill it in with a chicklet or something.  I honestly cannot wait for Kayla to start getting Us Weekly and Life & Style covershoot money.  I hope she takes it, banks it, and then moves out of her moms dungeon and never looks back.  Scratch that, I hope she stops by her house in her brand new car and then drives it into the cinder blocks and knocks the house over and then leaves and never looks back.

Are you kidding me?!?!  The mother just stopped in to ask Kayla if she would help her lose weight and they can do it together.  I’m not even joking, is Kayla too old for me to call DSS over?  This poor girl is a fully functional anorexic and her garbage heap of a mother is asking the both of them to go on a diet.  I’m really at a loss for words.  I mean, I still know words and stuff but I have no idea what to say.  I don’t condone violence but I do believe a punch to her box would be a starting point.  At least Kayla made a good decision by telling her mom that they are completely dysfunctional and if they were going to be spending time doing anything it should be to figure things out…not dieting.  Debra should legit be ashamed of herself.  She’s not even on the same level as April for crying out loud.  At least April would have given her a hug after that.  I mean should have have chain smoked two cartons of Virgina Slims and told her to F herself a few times, but she would have ended it with an “I love you kid.”  This mother is dead behind the eyes, dead on the inside, and is 100% the reason why her daughter has so many issues.  I hope Dr Drew pistol whips her during the reunion.

In the end (after 90 terribly depressing minutes) their heat goes out during a snow storm and the mom won’t call them back so they’re forced to pay $100 to stay in a hotel.  Seriously, they should have driven the 1 hour to Rusty’s house where Debra is staying and taken a Shasta McNasty on his front porch and then turned around and went home.  Kayla ends up, once again, confronting her mother about her not being there for her, not keeping any of her promises, and basically realizing that her mom wants nothing to do with her any more.  Debra just shrugs her linebacker shoulders and says, “I tried.”  Yes, clearly she tried.  You can tell she put as much effort into helping her daughter as she does on her own appearance.  And to make things even worse Kayla is so far behind on her school work that she won’t be graduating in the Spring with her friends.  She better get a GED cheat sheet from Amber and she better get it fast.

I’m depressed after watching this.  I think the mother should 100% be ashamed of herself.   Sure DJ Tanner didn’t have a baby to worry about so I know it’s a little different, but at least Any Becky took the time to help her with a healthy menu.  Something tells me that Kayla will never be comfortable going to Kathy Santone’s pool party.

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