We are ALL in a fight right now. I thought I would tune into the reunion episode of “I Wish I Traded in My Quinceanera Pinata for a Box of Condoms” and what do I learn? This sh*t is 2 hours long. 2 hours! I legit just gave my DVR the finger and, well, these “teens in a jam” have really pushed me over the edge. Regardless and irregardless all at the same time I will be providing a brief overview of each of these sperm catchers and what they’ve been up to since getting hooked on Pitocin and not realizing that a little more use of their hand and/or mouth could have prevented all of this. Tie your kids up to the radiator because it’s going to be a long night!
Dr. Drew – Dr Drew’s hair never grows. Ever. Not even a centimeter. Not even an inch. Which is less of a measurement? I have no clue. Drew is still trying to make that “t-shirt and sports coat” look happen. He’s also sporting a nice ladies leather boot. And he needs to stop telling everyone to practice safe sex and take “the pill.” So rude. If we don’t have Ye Old Teenage Mother then what the hell do we have? Why am I not hosting this show?! If it were me my very first question would be, “Does your vagina still hurt because it’s killing me!” Then I would have someone do a drum solo. See? More. Fun.
Jordan – Jordan is the poor mans Barbizon model. The good news is that she’s still dead behind the eyes and has married her baby daddy. His name may or may not be Brian. There are like 309 girls this season, you think I can keep track of everyone? Oh, and good job not putting their names under their faces “a la” The Hills, MTV. Jordan claims that if she could do it all over again she would have “take birth control a lot better.” I’m sorry, huh? Take it better? Like, you’d snort it? Please expand your 2nd grade reading level answer. In the meantime, just take steak. Within minutes Jordan is doing the obligatory “Ugly Farrah Cry” because her mom tossed her arse and made her live with granny. Boo hoo. You’re on TV suck it up.
Jordan’s sister Jessica even made an appearance. For twins she’s definitely the hotter one. And I bet her “gentlemen greeter” is still in tact. She should show us what it looks like, you know, for research purposes only. Oh, and there we have it…now Jessica is doing the “Ugly Farrah Cry” because she’s the first person in her family to go to college and her knocked up sister can’t go. Does she even need college though? I mean she is a “mod-el” now and I’m sure she’ll be gracing the webpages of “Coupon Suzie” before we know it. In conclusion, Brian has joined the air force so he can make a better life for all involved. Very noble. Also, brush you’re teeth as they are banana yellow. PITOCIN!
Jennifer – Jennifer has been really busy since we’ve last seen her taking care of her twins. Apparently it takes a lot to change your race. Seriously, until they said who she was I kept looking at her and thinking, “Who’s this little albino girl on stage?” Me gusta albinos. Within, literally, 4 seconds she goes right into her “Ugly Farrah Cry” which I’m now thinking the producers are making mandatory. They probably put cut up onions in their bras. Just a theory. Perhaps you have your own (theory, not bra). Jennifer’s dad, Rico (Suave) comes out on stage to talk about his daughter knocking her dirty no-no into a stack of penisitis. I actually feel bad for the dad because he looks like he wants to crawl into a puffy leather couch and die. Poor guy. Here he is just trying to cut some lawns and he’s thrown into the spotlight.
In other news, we learn that her baby daddy, Josh, now has two restraining orders against him, with the most recent one filed by Jennifer because she claims he allegedly said that he was going to “have her put in jail and raped.” Awww, puppy love is so cute. Prison rapings are the new Silly Bands. The good news is that she still holds out a little bit of hope that she and Josh can make things work. That seems smart…like GED smart. I am, however, devastated that her telanovela madre did not make an appearance for the reunion. Thanks for ruining my life, mamasita.
Danielle – Hooray it’s my two favorite Teen Mom cast IBBB blog readers, Danielle and her mom, Casey! It’s tough to make fun of them now since they read this here crap bag site. But, I’ll muster up enough energy to do it. Danielle has pierced her face. I hope that dispenses birth control into her mouth, as it should. Also, I will patent that. Moving on. Again! Within seconds she’s Ugly Cry City and now Casey is shedding a few tears as well. Danielle should start singing “Rolling in the Deep” to make everyone feel better. Anyjunk, she and her boyfriend apparently break up on the regular and I may have misheard this but I’m pretty sure Dr Drew told him to run away. Things get emotional because good old Casey at the Bat is now full on Ugly Crying because she blames herself for evidently not putting birth control pills into her daughters mashed potatoes and also for raising her more like a little sister and not a daughter. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop the insanity now. Casey should be applauded as she has hit the jackpot of being on a highly-rated television series and quite possibly a shoe-in (is that spelled right?) for a future season of Teen Mom. No one will be pointing the finger when they’re getting US Weekly cover money! Also, Casey should give her giant hoop earrings to the boyfriend and request he place them around his nuts until he starts shooting blanks. That’s safe sex on a budget, I believe.
In the end, Danielle can’t get her GED because she apparently can’t drive and this just goes to show me that I have no clue what the hell it takes to pass the GED. I always assumed pencils were involved, but evidently there’s a road test. More importantly, why does the boyfriend have a baseball diamond shaved into the side of his head? The More You Know!
Taylor – Taylor looks the same (aka “12”). Her white boyfriend still forgets he’s white. I know, that’s always a tough pill to swallow. Kinda like birth control pills. As opposed to crying right off the bat, we learn that Nathan thinks that placenta stinks and that’s why he was freaking out during the delivery. I’m sorry, who? He should have hung one of those green pine-tree car freshers from her clitsy-witsy during the birth. This is what I like to call “thinking on your feet.” After that image got engraved into my mind, we learn that the baby had to have a lung surgery. That sucks.
In lighter news, Taylor’s mom Debi makes a surprise visit and her hair has grown back in. PITOCIN! Debi is working 27 hours a day and is helping take care of the baby because Taylor wanted to go back to school instead of homeschooling. Taylor and her mom leave us with words of wisdom in regards to always using protection. Taylor says that even if you have to “ask a bum on the street for a condom” you should do it. She is so short-sighted. If you ask a bum on the street for a condom it’s only the polite thing to do to have sex with said bum using said condom. Oddly enough, my guess is that Debi practices this strategy on the regular. Go figure. Sorry we won’t be seeing you Snoozen Snoozenheimers on the next season of Teen Mom. Say hello to the homeless for me!
Jamie – Jamie’s still got that nose. Yup. And she’s even sporting that Lauren Conrad side braid. That’s nice. Someone should tell her that she looks less pretty when she cries. Perhaps that should be her new form of birth control? Luckily Jamie is no longer with her baby daddy since he cheated on her. Ryan and Jamie’s mom, April, are both on the panel. Ryan may or may not be high during all of this. Also, his dockers are 16 sizes too big. April informs us that it’s her fault that Jamie got knocked to the up because Jamie actually asked her to let her go on the pill and April told her “No, you need to just not have sex.” Yeah, that worked.
Jamie won’t stop crying and sucking up snot the whole time. Gross. Dr Drew tried to clear up the whole, “Why were you late to your own baby’s delivery” and Ryan claims that his phone died. Yet, he showed up with a hickey on his neck at the hospital. I bet April did it. She looks like a woman scorned and ready to make herself feel better by letting little rodent Ryan pump for 2 seconds and then knock her to the up too. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m saying. These three are yawns in the wind. PUKE BUCKET!
Cleondradike Bar – Cleondra and her boyfriend, Mario, are fighting all the time because their relationship is “a hot mess.” You know what I think was a hot mess? Half the crap that shot out of her vageroo during the birthing process. But I digress. Cleondradike Bar is crying because she thinks all of this is too hard. Dr. Drew is trying to figure out if she’s technically trying to push Mario away. I’m busy trying to figure out races. Not that it’s important but, what, I like to know. Also, Cleondra is upset that she’s not spending enough time with her baby because she’s back in school full time and works a part-time job. Can you image the trash bags that are watching this poor kid?! Things get even more awkward when Drew makes Mario place his hand over Cleondra’s chest and tell her that he loves her. Uh, good thinking Drew! First he’s cupping her boob and next thing you know she’s bobbing for peanuts in his lap! As a sidenote, they’re running through all these girls now in about 5 minutes increments. I wish the actual episodes went by this fast. Or maybe like 30 minutes of the baby shower, 10 minutes of Pitocin, and then 5 minutes of crying into the camera about how the baby daddy doesn’t help out at all and would rather play video games and wear pants that are too big for them. Does that equal 60 minutes? Who cares.
Kayla – Well someone morphed into Celine Dion since the last time we saw her! I was waiting for her to punch her chest and yell out into her microphone, “It’s going to be a hot one in the house tonight, yes?!” Kayla is wiping her tears away with her Real Housewives of Orange County fake nails. Kayla now lives with her dad because her mom is a garbage can and moved away from all of her kids to be with her slam pig boyfriend. Sadly, Kayla’s eating disorder is “loud” right now..as she calls it. That sucks. She should try unprotected sex to see if that solves her problem. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. Either way, Kayla’s mom walks out onto the stage and is ready to face the music. Also, had there been actual music I could picture her mom “sexy dancing” like Amber on Ecstasy. Her mom does admit to thinking Kayla was an adult once she was pregnant and basically stopped mothering her. After Dr. Drew literally forced the mother to apologize to Kayla for not being there for she just says, “Uh, sorry.” Perfect! This is the best heartless apology I’ve heard since my 3rd favorite episode of Intervention with “Gloria” who said legit the same exact thing when her daughter confronted her drinking all the time and never being there for her. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. Oh, and her baby daddy actually isn’t a douche weasel, yet she wants nothing to do with him. I love when people push away good things in their life.
Also, 30 more minutes to go. We CAN get through this! EPIDURAL!
Kianna – I was disappointed that Kianna didn’t change wigs throughout her segment. So hurtful to me, the viewer. Kianna’s mom was a teen mom so she put her on birth control as soon as Kianna was caught dry-humping her footstool. Fine, I made that last part up. Like all these other girls, oops, Kianna forgot to take the pills on the regular. God forbid I ever have a daughter. I’m going to have the doctors sew it up until she’s married. She can pee through her nose if she has too. Speedily moving along, Zach has proposed to Kianna and is “doing the right thing” with the exception of wearing oversized jean shorts. Jean. Shorts. I’m talking Dungerees, people! While Kianna isn’t crying, Zach is because his dad was never there for him. I know how he feels. Oh, not in regards to my dad (he rules!) but about jean shorts. It’s a mistake you only make once…then you just move on and hope to never make that mistake again. BED REST!
Izabella – Awesome spelling. Izabella is the hottest of the teen moms and, therefore, I predict she will be pregnant again before the end of the show. Keep it in your pants, Drew! Izabella’s mom takes care of the baby on the regular so that she can go to school and not be forced to take classes at the Amber Portwood School of GED Education (we is fiances!). That’s nice. More importantly, I miss the top notch mothering of April from the original Teen Mom. Since we last left her, Izabella is back with Pyro because he went back to school and now has a job. Reach for the stars! Seriously, how is Pyro even old enough to produce sperm? By the way, he now looks like Wanda Sykes with a perm so, well, that’s awesome and more interesting than anything else going on. Scratch that, actually, because we learn that when they were banging bodies Pyro’s condom broke and the next morning Izabella took the morning after pill, but obviously that didn’t work. Dr. Drew should have asked her if she tried bleach. While I don’t recommend it, Oprah did it and we all know that everything Oprah does it right.
In the end, Izabella’s mom and dad come out on stage and say about 3 words. Pointless. Seriously how come no one will ask the mother if she’s really Leah’s mother from Teen Mom 2?! I would ask that. I would ask that and I’d also ask her if her husband ever gets violent with her because, well, I have a hunch. An alleged hunch. DILATED!
Allie – Not much has changed with Allie as she still has those thick bangs. I’m kidding, she’s changed a lot and by that I mean she’s added red color to her hair. Kool Aid stains. Allie is doing really well in school and is getting all A’s. Cool. She’s then going to a 4 year college next year either in Texas or Dirty Jersey. And cue the Ugly Cry because she is going to have to raise this baby on her own and that scares her. You know what scares me? Her mother. I’m still having dreams of that LaToya Jackson/Paula Abdul baby voice. Trashtastic! Sadly, she isn’t on this reunion show, but Joey is and so is his abuela. Even more sad is that fact that Yolanda (Selena’s killer) is not going to make an appearance. What a jip. I basically want to change the channel, but since I’ve just wasted 110 minutes at this point I’m in it for the long haul.
La abuela is still rocking the Sandra from 227 perm and overall look. She looks pissed especially because her grandson, Joey, hasn’t been able to see his baby in months because of Allie breaking up with him. It all gets a little crazy because Allie doesn’t want the baby around Yolanda so will never allow la abuela to babysit while she’s not there. I actually don’t blame her because I too think that Yolanda will gut the baby, fill it with cocaine, and utilize it as a drug mule on international flights. Just me? Ole! However, times they are a-changing because the baby is about to be brought out on stage so Joey can see him for the first time in months. I swear to God when the person brought out the baby I thought it was one of Allie’s friends but, SURPRISE!, it was Allie’s mom. Yes! And she didn’t disappoint. She was rocking some Charlie’s Angels feathered bangs and then started doing some kind of “sexy-cry” which was confusing and exciting all at the same time. Her mom claims that even though they live many states apart she is still there all the time for Allie via “the phone.” I’m sure those phone calls help with baby sitting and the like. I have to admit I’m very much intrigued by this family dynamic and hope to see more it. It has (insert Oprah voice) all my favorite things!!!
We made it y’all! We did it. Who am I kidding. I did it. You just read my 2 hours of pure torture in about 10 minutes. Like Tyra Banks, I give myself up…for you. Within the last 4 minutes all the girls get to awkwardly ask each other some stupid questions. I found myself holding up my middle finger to the television for the remaining 5 minutes. Danielle asked Allie the first question which was, and I quote, “How, like did you, like deal with, like, Joey’s mom, like bashing you, like that?” Let’s just end it there.
See you next week for the Teen Mom season premiere! Join IBBB’s latest dumb “Amber and Gary, the Roseanne and Dan of Our Generation” Facebook fan page!