I’m back from my Memorial Day vacation just in time to be burnt to a crisp and all caught up on tweens who spread. This time around we get to meet Izabella, yes with a “Z.” Izabella may or may not be Amber Portwood with less fighting energy, but one thing I know for sure is that she’s somewhere around 16 years old and there is some baby living inside her. I hope it gets out! Things get interesting because apparently Wanda Sykes got her pregnant which I didn’t know was possible but I guess with a standard turkey baster, the semen off a rabid coyote, and a little bit of hope it can happen. Yes we can! I tossed in that last sentence for good measure. All kidding aside, Izabella’s baby daddy (as “the kids” who smoke say) just hit puberty and his very first pump was one that he’ll never forget…or at least legally be able to forgot for another 18 years. Also, I believe his name is Pyro. I actually don’t care.
I’ve noticed that everyone in this episode looks like they were cast off of Craigslist. Seriously, what nationality is the father? How the hell old is the mother? Who does the son belong to? Why is the uncle so angry? These are many questions I had whilst watching this little minx play “Punk’d: Pregnancy Edition” on national television. I actually think her strategy was a good one. Izabella decided not to tell anyone (except her parents) that she was pregnant. Her aunts, uncles, cousins, or friends had no idea. Here’s the kicker, she’s already 8 months pregnant. Literally, everyone is about to get Punk’d and I can’t wait. They kick things off with the aunt and uncle. They literally blindly walk into the house and notice a camera crew standing there and all of a sudden the father goes, “Izabella is pregnant and has been for 8 months!” Jackpot! The uncle looked like he was waiting for Chris Hansen to offer him some cool iced-tea and to take a seat on the wood barstool. Something tells me he may have been in a similar situation before. He ends up getting pissed and starts to cry a little. I cry a little too because I thought he was Indian, but his name is Luigi and so I am upset as I only thought Italian plumbers could be named that.
Next up on the surprise hit-list is Cassidy. This b*tch has been calling Izabella for about 8 months to hang out and she’s blown her off every single time so….SURPRISE(!!!)…in walks Izabella and her mom to show Cassidy that she’s knocked the F up. I mean, what in the holy hell did Cassidy think the surprise was going to be? She’s friggin’ 15 years old, there’s an MTV camera crew in her house, and she hasn’t seen her friend in 8-months. Hmmm I wonder what it could be? Wake up, bricks, you’re not getting cast for The Hills. Cassidy tries to pretend she’s going to be there for Izabella but something tells me this little tramp is going to Lysol the doorknobs as soon as she Izabella leaves the house. She better be careful because last I checked Cassidy was sitting on a genuine puffy leather couch and, well, that’s like a hot-tub for “the poors.” Pregnancy can “just happen.” Also, where’s Cody?
I hate to throw stones, unless of course it’s at glass houses, but is there something wrong with the mother? I’m not implying “Charles and Amanda” type situations, but she could be the half-sister of Leah’s mom and her husband/brother. Also, had I not known it was her mom I would have guessed she was like the older 19 year old cousin. Oh, and “nice try” when she was talking with her daughter about how sad she was that she was pregnant and next thing you know the towel just happens to catch fire. Please. She was totally trying to murder-suicide herself out of this sandwich stacker pickle that they’re all in. Also, either commit to crunchy curls or don’t, but don’t half a** it, ok? Plus is her name Vi or Six? I wasn’t sure if it was Roman Numeral or not.
When it’s time for the baby shower I was hoping there was going to be some trash bag games involved but sadly there weren’t. This scene, however, did provide me with my favorite part of the crapisode, which of course is, “You Know You’re Too Young to Have a Baby…” So, you know you’re too young to have a baby when you’re sitting at your baby shower sporting braces and your friend is talking about role call during homeroom.” In other news…these girls look like they’re 12 and the “older cousin” looks like she just finished bobbing for dinkies in a dumpster.
Izabella is going to try and finish school from home while she can because she goes to a Catholic school and God is wicked pissed at her right now. God was all, “Do you know what I needed to do to keep American Idol on the air and this is how you repay me? Good luck in Pre-Calculus…I’m giving you teacher with a drinking problem.” Speaking of people being pissed, little Cassidy (the traitor) is totally MIA and not returning any of Izabella’s calls or text messages. She’s probably trying to bang every Tom, Dick, and Dick so that she can land herself on this show too. Her outgoing voicemail message should be, “I’m screwin’. Leave a message. Boink (instead of ‘beep’)”
Pyro Sykes looks like he’s up to no good and I don’t just say that because I have a rule where I don’t trust anyone who drives an orange car. Does the car match the drapes? These are questions that people should ask. For some reason everyone is shocked to learn that Pyro has graduated from high school. No really, everyone is surprised…which makes me think that he may not have. Either that or MTV realllly want him to feel dumb when he watches this back. Someone needs to tell little Pyro to stop wearing his dads clothes and get a job.
Later, Izabella and Pyro head off to el hospital (that’s Spanish for “The Medical Center”) for a regular appointment and the creeptastic doctor lets her know that her blood pressure is too high and she’s big enough to deliver this baby 30 weeks ago so they’re going to induce her at the end of the week. Hooray! For those of you playing along at home, get ready to stamp your Bingo card because “Pitocin” is about to be called any minute now. Also, Izabella and Pyro seemed pissed during this whole appointment. I wish someone who hit somebody or at least start fighting and saying things like, “You go and do you and I’m gonna do me.” I miss fights like that. And seriously, cheer up. You’re both about to be teen parents without money. What could be so bad?
It’s finally baby shootout day! Whether she likes it or not today is all about Izabella’s gentlemen greeter and our little friend, Pitocin. Can anyone take pitocin? I think I’m going to try. Now, I am sans “the vagina” but maybe it will somehow give me a six-pack or something. I mean, that’s based on nothing but I really think it’s worth a shot. After Izod is shot up with enough Pitocin to take down the Great Wall of China she is ready to have the baby…14 hours later. Seriously, so lazy. She could have been doing her Pre-Calc homework while her Vagasaurus Rex split into about 15 different puzzle pieces. Pyro doesn’t want to help hold her legs or look down below because he’s afraid that he’ll get sucked into it or so it seems. After Izod gives, literally, one push she’s like “Am I done?” If only she said that on the night of conception perhaps she wouldn’t be in this jameroo. However, the doctor is basically doing schtick because he’s tosses jokes left and right while only inches away from her very own Oregon Trail. Something tells me she’s about to lose and axel and bust her wagon. Hey-oh!
Finally the baby, Enrique, is born. Wait a second…did they steal that name from the hairdresser that was doing Pyro’s hair? I’m pretty sure they stole it from her because I read the sub-titles and, well, I can typically comprehend 45% of what I read. Oh, and speaking of Pyro doing his hair on the regular, did anyone notice before they could go to the hospital to deliver the baby he made Izabella hold the hair dryer over his head while he teased his curls? Brilliant. Once again, everyone in this entire episode was cast from Craigslist.
Once they bring the baby home and Izabella screams for her mother to come and help her we don’t get to experience the normal things like the baby screaming at all hours of the night. Nope, not in this weird dream of an episode. This time around after 3 weeks Izod heads back to school where they actually get to film a scene. Que Suerte! This must be a real special kind of school because she walks into school wearing khaki pants and when she sits down to have a heart to heart on why Cassidy was being a real douche chain, she’s wearing a dress. Then when she leaves school and gets back into the car she’s back to khaki pants. I mean, I may not be a Principal or anything, but I’m going to guess that if you want your students to not get pregnant I would eliminate the amount of times they’re taking their pants off during a normal school day. Oh, and all of a sudden Cassidy is ready to be friends again? Too late, trash barrel. You’ll never be the Heidi Montag to a Lauren Conrad…you hear me?
For the remainder of the crapisode Pyro is acting all strange and doesn’t want to talk to anyone and ends up storming out of the house and speeding away in his…gulp…orange car. Izabella’s father gets all involved and wants Pryo to come back to the house to discuss what in the holy hell is going on. Apparently I was on to something because Pyro admits to not being able to enroll into Community College because he never actually graduated from high school. Punk’d! I love this new format. However, the most important takeaway from this entire scene is that it takes place with the whole family sitting on a puffy leather sectional. Now, my friends, this is a tough one because whilst the puffy leather couch is typically a symbol of “the poors” the “sectional” pieces makes me think there is some money involved. Perhaps they’re the richest of the dumpster people. One may never know. All kidding aside, I think they really do have some money, which is why I like them. I like people based on financial status and looks, just like an American should.
In the end (even after the uncle randomly yelled at Pyro and Izabella’s parents) the father gives Pyro one last chance to finish high school or he won’t let him live in his house or see his daughter any more. Even Izod seems fine with this. Is it just me or the thinner she gets the more like Amber she looks? Me gusta. We don’t really know what ends up happening because they kinda just ended the episode. I mean, we did get to see Pyro looking at a computer screen with something that said, “Good Job!” next to his name. I have no idea what that means or what kind of class that is where “Good Job!” is your grade, but that’s another puzzle for another time.