Someone get Micky Dolenz on the horn because Davy Jones is back baby! And apparently he’s fathered a child as a horse of a different color. If you don’t know what any of that means you’re clearly not at the right blog. That’s right folks, it’s time for another crapisode of “You Put That In Where and a Baby Comes Out When?” It’s a real magical time for all of us, especially Jordan who’s really excited to graduate from high school at some point so she can start trade school and eventually scrape plaque from between your overbite. Don’t worry, she gets to squirt the hose too. Speaking of squirting the hose, Jordan is in quite the pickle of her life because she has found herself with child. I know. I was surprised too. I thought I was tuning into a Pennsylvania episode of Cribs, but once I saw a baby under her shirt and checked my TV Guide (with Roz from Night Court on the cover) I realized this girl was in t-r-o-u-b-l-e. I couldn’t care less what goes on in this episode, but that’s only because her boyfriend Tyler is the best thing that may have ever happened to my life…this week. Is it just me or did MTV really step up the jacked-up “baby daddies” this season? I love saying “baby daddies.” It makes me feel like I would have fit right in as an audience member of a 1993 Ricki Lake taping. Tyler is, without a doubt, Davy Jones. I should just stop right there. However nevertheless hereto and moreover, I shall continue. Tyler may or may not also be the great-grandson of Captain Caveman (also known as Captain Caaaaaaaavemaaaaaaaan!). Has he finished the evolutionary process? One may never know. Chances are we will see him in a museum one day. Because at the end of the day, a bowl cut, partial unibrow, and man-boobs never goes out of style. He’s like the new Jan Brady!
Jordan’s mother, who may be the ripe old age of 29, doesn’t really have a love for Tyler but that’s just because he’s white…or so Jordan thinks. Evidently the mother is perfectly fine with her 16 year old daughter having unprotected sex and “dropping it like it’s hot” but just not when the boy is white. Let’s not make this about race, so I’m fine with that. Although I think it is ok to be racist against anyone with a bowl-cut. So, you know, be racist towards bowls and junk. Just not people. I do think it’s romantic, however, that Jordan and Tyler both have similar haircuts. As the oldest saying in the world goes, “Couples who bowl-cut together, stay together.” I think I saw that on decorative rock before. It’s so crazy how the mother was talking to Jordan about when she realized she was pregnant (bigger bras and eating like an animal in heat), but what she had a tougher time with was realizing that she would actually do “the sex” with someone who looked like Tyler. So let me get this straight. She was ok with her having sex, but just not with someone who is on the uglier side of life? I think that’s a great rule to live by and I’ve already sent the t-shirts to the printing press as we speak. I have no idea if that’s where t-shirts are made but I’ll just assume. Perhaps they’re made at the cotton gin. Not that I drink gin, but I digest.
This is one of the strangest episodes because the majority of it focuses on how the mother won’t let Tyler into her house, but will let Jordan live with Tyler and his family until she has the baby because she works the graveyard shift (aka digging up caskets in the graveyard looking for money) and thinks it’s safer. However, once that baby is born she is never allowed to go there again basically. Therefore Jordan is planning her escape so that she can live with Tyler and his fittingly white trash family. God forgive me with that family but I couldn’t get over what I was watching. The mother, the father, and Tyler were all like the exact same person who spoke so slowly and basically just looked down the whole time. They spoke so slowly that at one point I had to see if this was a two hour episode because I convinced there would be no way they could get through their conversation in 60 minutes. And, not for nothing, but his mom was totally egging her on to leave her own mother for good and come and live with them. She even bought them a bassinet that will stay at her house so they can bring the baby back there. Da da duuuuuun!
Even though her mother seems to hate her, Jordan’s mom throws a surprise shower for her. This shower was the best because after everyone awkwardly yelled “surprise” when she walked in the house they then remained silent and just stared at her like they could all “catch teen pregnancy” which, actually, I heard you really can. Pitocin, of course, is the only cure for that at this time. I was glad to see that this family had a nice puffy leather red couch. I’m pretty sure we haven’t seen puffy red leather yet, so this was a nice treat for the eyes. Oh, and be sure to mark your Bingo cards if you’re playing along at home. Jordan’s friends at the shower were kind of douchey and kept making fun of Tyler and how they thought she would have been with someone cuter. That’s so rude. I mean, have some class. You should only say stuff like that if you’re a loser blogger who can hurl insults from the safety behind his laptop. Duh. Manners. Get some. Anybowl, her mom even takes a few cheap shots during her shower by wanting to know why Tyler’s mom bought them a bassinet since the baby won’t be staying there. Some rando friend of the mother’s asks why the baby can’t go there and her mom simply explains that it’s because they’re dirty and then tosses in a joke about how the bassinet must be used. I mean, I have to agree with the white trash jokes. Whoa. Am I racist towards white people too? I always thought I was, but now I guess I know for sure! Jordan gets all pissed off and walks away and the mom just keeps boasting, “I love a challenge. You know I love a challenge. You know that!” Oh she does? Well perhaps she should have taken the Physical Challenge 9 months ago which would have consisted of hiding birth control pills in Jordan’s mashed potatoes. Oh, and she could have tried to find the orange flag up the giant nose and slide into a pool of flan, but that’s another story for another time. I kinda think that “You know I love a challenge” is this seasons “There’s gonna be some rumble in the jungle.”
Days later Jordan is still pissed at her mom so she decides to take drastic measures. Yes, folks, it’s time to play another round of “You Know You’re Too Young to Have a Baby When…” Let’s go! You Know You’re Too Young to Have a Baby When…you have to break into your mom’s house when she’s working to disassemble and steal the crib. Seriously, that happened. At first I thought they’d just be grabbing pieces of the crib or the box or something, but when I saw them taking it apart with tools I found myself squealing with delight. I was also clenching my bum-bum because I was waiting for the mother to bust into this scene at any moment and, well, I was “sweating the scareds.” The mom ends up leaving a nastygram voicemail for Jordan once she realizes the crib is gone and is mumbling something about “talk the talk the talk so I’m gonna make you walk the walk the walk.” Huh? Eh, fine. If I were Jordan I would have simply answered by saying, “The crib is white and I know you don’t want anything white your house…including teeth.” I would have then blew a whistle into the phone, shouted “ole!” and then quickly hung up.
After days of not speaking to each other the mom finally realizes that she’s on national television so she invites Jordan over, apologizes, and says that Tyler is allowed in the house after all. I know I used this joke in the past, but I mean it now more than ever…during these scenes Jordan’s mother really did look like Selena’s killer. Yolanda, I believe her name was. Yolanda even invites Tyler over to tell him she now has an open door policy, which was similar to Jordan’s “open legs” policy just 9 short months ago. Obviously meaning that everyone can come in. Hey-oh! Tyler seems hesitant, but mainly because I’m not quite sure he fully grasps many of the words in the English language. Plus, I was waiting for him to bust out with, “Girl, look what you’ve done to me, girl!” to Yolanda. Alas, he didn’t and I started getting bored.
After creating a “belly cast” for reasons that my simple mind can’t seem to comprehend, Jordan’s water breaks and she’s off to the hospital to push a human from out between her legs. Honestly, they made her labor seem like a breeze. First off, no Pitocin (boooo!) and I’m not sure she even screamed, cried, or yelled out that she just wanted a shower. What a snooze. Once the baby is here and they peace the F out, we learn that Tyler isn’t going to spend the first night with Jordan and the baby because according to his mom, “He has to clean his room.” Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it! It’s like, “My mommy said I can’t be a daddy tonight because I still leave skid marks in my Hanes Husky.” Perfect.
In the end, Tyler never really calls or spends a lot of time with the baby. When he does say he’s coming over he shows up 5 hours later. That must be one messy room! Jordan invites his parents over to see the baby and they use that time to call out Jordan for basically using them the whole time. You totally know the WT mother is all nervous during this confrontation because she had red blotches all over the place. I just assumed at first that was your typical “the poors rash” but then realized it was just nerves. And you totally know Jordan’s mom only hears dueling banjos when Tyler’s parents are talking. They didn’t realize that Tyler never calls Jordan or goes over. They just assumed he was hurt because Jordan wouldn’t live with them in their Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure. Tyler really ended up being a dick and stopped seeing the baby for weeks. When he did finally come over in the very last scene Jordan wouldn’t let him see the baby because it was 9 at night and she didn’t want him waking up the baby. He flips off her family, tells them to all go F themselves, and then this suddenly turns into an episode of Tom & Jerry because the brothers rush down the stairs and chase Tyler out of the house and to his car because I’m pretty sure they’ll beat him with giant wooden hammers and sticks of dynamite. At some point I was sure an anvil would drop from the sky. Tyler drives away and that’s the end of that. Jordan had to drop out of school to be a mom and looks into the camera to instruct everyone to not get pregnant. Too late. I already am. I’m also getting a traditional bowl-cut as we speak. As. We. Speak.
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