Well folks another season of “Can My Fetus Take Drivers Ed Too?” is coming to an end. Part of me wants to say “finally!” whilst the other part of me wants to say “finally!” Either way, you might as well join me on my Facebook page (click here, jerks) so that we can really get to know each other before the final season of Teen Mom starts up. Anygut, if you ever wanted to know what it would be like to see Renee Graziano as a knocked up 16 year old, well, I’d like to introduce you to Devon. Our little Devon just breezed past her Quinceanera and is now 16 years old and with child. She lives in the part of Virginia where apparently everyone speaks in a slow whisper tone while cameras are in their faces. We also get to meet Devon’s boyfriend named Colin. He’s 4 years older than her and is in the Army so this alleged case of statutory rape is perfectly fine and acceptable. In case you’re wondering “statutory rape” is the act of “playing boom boom with a statue.” Plus, it’s Virginia so I’m sure the authorities are just psyched they’re not brother and sister. I am, of course, joking as I don’t really know anything about Virginia including where on the map it actually is. I’d guess south east of Puerto Rico, but one can’t really be sure. This loving couple does the typical “couple walk” where they slowly stroll up the street with a camera crew and discuss how they met and how they got pregnant. If you guessed “a penis in a vag” you’d be wrong. You should have guessed, “what is a penis in a vag.” Jeopardy rules apply to everything in life. Also, in case you haven’t noticed I’m tossing in a lot of filler because this episode was as snooze.
Devon lives with about 8 other members of her family in a tiny doll house. I like to pretend they’re neighbors are Polly Pocket and the Berenstain Bears. One of the residents is her jealous 17 year old sister who also has a baby. You totally know she’s pissed that MTV never cast her last season but I’m sure her mother (who is like the poorer mans Dina Lohan) was busy putting pinholes in the condoms to help ensure her darker daughter would become pregnant. Plus this gave her more time to paint the walls some vibrant colors that would really pop on the audition tape. Either way, Devon got herself cast and the rest his herstory. See what I did there? Yeah, I hated it too. Devon may not be the sharpest tool in the crayon box (?) as she didn’t realize she was pregnant for 5 full months. I mean, that makes sense. She probably thought her mom couldn’t pay the bills any more so the stork stopped sending her her period. That is how that works, right? Either that or her crunchy wet curls truly froze her brain. To be honest, I’d be fine with either of those scenarios.
Can you tell I’m yawning? I am. Devon’s mom, Robin, enjoys things like sitting on the porch and giving her daughter wonderful words of encouragement about her pregnancy like, “Honestly, it’s kind of embarrassing.” Sure she has two daughters who aren’t old enough to vote yet and both have kids, but that is nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m more embarrassed that Devon seems to think that anyone is still doing face piercings anymore. If her mom was smart she would have forced Devon to pierce her “gentlemen greeter” closed until she was old enough to rent a car. In fact, can we just make that a law? I’m sure they’ll be doing that at Claire’s in the mall by 2015. Per usual I was going to suggest the same kind of treatment but with a wine cork and some Elmer’s glue cement, but I’m really trying to get with the times and become more technologically advanced and I really think snatch piercings is the way to go. I’m sure you agree. In fact, I know you do. I can just tell. You’re those kind of people. The kind of people I like. #SnatchPiercings
Everything else was pretty normal in this episode which was too bad for us. Devon’s boyfriend was surprisingly not a complete douche-trap as he was working two jobs and also fought in Iraq. I mean, I’m a completely horrific person but even I am not going to make fun of someone who fought in Iraq for my freedom. Devon clearly agrees because after Colin came back from Iraq she evidently got on her back. I like when I make things rhyme. For those of you reading this in some of our mid-western states like Maine and Seattle, that is how raps are formed. The More You Know. Also, sit Ubu sit. Good dog (woof!). Moving on. What also entertained me this episode was the baby shower. To be honest it wasn’t as trashy as I would have liked it to be (meaning there weren’t people with dirty bare feet and Kool Aid mustaches over their actual mustaches) but we were given the gift of puffy leather. Devon was sitting on my favorite genuine leather puffy leather recliner, whilst some of her guests were lounging on a puffy suede couch. The point is that the baby could have been consummated on either pieces of furniture and the clean up would have been a breeze. Devon got everything she wanted from the baby shower except a third trimester abortion kit that I would have obviously brought had I been invited. In case you’re wondering what a third trimester abortion kit consists of, it’s actually just a tape of “Alyssa Milano’s Teen Steam Workout Video” and the white arm from a standard Mr. Potato Head set. You do the math.
Later Devon finally is ready to go into labor, as she woke up from her slumber and thought she was leaking. She’s real quick. I’m sure that GED will be not an issue for her. Just answer “C” for everything and let the chips fall where they may. She heads off the el hospital which I’m shocked wasn’t a red barn with piles of hay and fetus juice everywhere. Alas, it was a real live building with actual doctors inside. After 9 hours of shaking and crying it was finally time for a little Pitocin! Hooray! After another few hours she was ready for her Epidural and our 16 & Pregnant Bingo Game was complete. Ole! Then, after 127 hours, Devon finally gave birth to a little baby boy whose name I think was Michael Landon. Speaking of which, how come there isn’t one channel on my $143.00/month cable box (giggity) that plays reruns of Highway to Heaven? Do you think Della Resse doesn’t allow it because of the similarity to Touched By An Angel? I always loved when Della would sass out things like, “Come on angel baby, let’s go!” Why we can’t only live in the 90’s is beyond me.
In the end (and I’m skipping a lot because, well, I get to) these crazy kids tried to buy a house and were pre-approved for $127K, which is great for them because that, I believe, is the actual sale price of the entire state of Virgina. I’m kidding. It’s $128K and your front tooth. Sadly, just when they thought they saw a house they liked (that was 6 times the size of my apartment and 1/10th of the price) poor Colin lost his job. That sucks. To make things worse he’ll probably have to reenlist in the Army just so they can get by and be able to afford a house. Luckily the war will be over soon and I’m not educated enough to know who and where we are currently fighting so I think their best bet would be to just stay in Virginia and rent an apartment and, obviously, sell their baby to the highest bidder. But that, per usual, goes without saying.
Want to provide me with an education? Well start by joining me on my Facebook page. The 5,000th Facebook friend wins a free shot of Pitocin. Ole!
More 16 & Pregnant Recaps:
If Kelly Clarkson Had Lost American Idol
Is There a Baby on My Stomach?!
When House Hunters Meets Hoarders Meets Amber and Gary’s Summer Cottage
Long Live Davy Jones!
Drop Dead Fred Fathers a Child
Dora and the Cage Fighting “Model”
The One with Selena’s Killer
Mackenzie and that Damn Rodeo