16 & Pregnant Recap: If Kelly Clarkson Had Lost American Idol


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Hey y’all!  Turn on the Closed Captioning because it’s time for another crapisode of “I’s Thoughts Condoms Were For Catchin Fireflies.”  And this time we’re down south again so good luck trying to piece together what in the holy hell anyone is saying.  This time around we get to meet Sarah.  She’s 16 years old and as a twist, she’s pregnant.  I know.  I was caught off guard too.  Sarah lives in what I can only assume is pronounced “Chicken Sh*t” Georgia and she looks how Kelly Clarkson would look had she not won Season One of American Idol.  Moreover, Sarah was planning on going to college if there wasn’t a human ready to burst out of her body and she was even going to one day be a journalist.  In Chicken Sh*t, GA, “being a journalist” is interchangeable with “being featured on an episode of COPS.”  Same/same.

Sarah landed herself a pale Ging who is quite the catch (re-read the first part) and also he dropped out of high school so he could focus more time on playing video games and working on a boats a couple of hours a week.  But, ladies, before you brush by his personal ad, you have to know he has big dreams of working on a shrimp boat.  Even more importantly, I’m pretty sure he used the Flowbee on his hair so that he can perfect the helmet with earmuffs look that is all the rage on the runways of Milan.  #FashionForward.  His name is Blake but I’m almost certain it’s pronounced “Blank” because that’s the look he gives on the regular.  The silver lining in all of this is that even though he doesn’t go to school he and Sarah found out they’re having a baby girl and plan on naming her Tit-Leaves.  At least that’s pretty much what I thought they’ve been saying this whole time.  I think it’s sweet.  It has a nice ring to it.  It really says, “You can put your face in them, but can’t touch them unless we go back to the private room and you leave your credit card with the bouncer.”  I think it’s Latin.  Either way, good for her.  I have no idea.

Another unsung hero this episode is Sarah’s mother Tina.  She is everything you could ever want and less.  She spends most of her time working out her neck rolls and sitting on plastic chairs scattered all over the front lawn and other random areas of the property.  However, the winner of this entire episode is the house itself.  I know I’ve said this in the past, but this house is really like a typical house on Hoarders.  There is sh*t everywhere.  I can honestly say that I really wasn’t paying attention to what was going on in this episode because I just kept looking in the background of every single scene.  And I’m not kidding.  Plus, it’s not like I could understand a word anyone was saying.  Even the sub-titles they used when Blank would talk basically had question marks after most of the words.  Anyjunk, there was crap everywhere.  Everywhere.  The kitchen should have been condemned.  The “hutch” in the “dining room” was stacked with tea cups, receipts, and a few curling irons..as any good hutch would.  Everything in every room in the house was just basically stacked like a white trash game of Topple and, spoiler alert, I loved that game growing up.  I started making a list of random stuff I saw in the background throughout this show.  At one point Sarah and her friend were sitting outside drinking something (bleach, probably) and I saw a wooden ducks, a Christmas wreath, a can of Raid, and an “old-timey” high-chair (most likely painted with the fanciest lead paint 1972 can buy!) Later as Sarah and her mom are chatting outside I spotted a giant bottle of Dr. Pepper on a table, a 6 pack of sidewalk chalk, a Spongebob radio, and a half set-up game of Mousetrap.  This has turned into “Antiques Roadshow” for “the poors.”  It’s  like, “Your ceramic bear climbing the tree would have been worth more if you didn’t put cigarettes out in its nose.”  Common mistake.

Beyond the fact her entire neighborhood looks like the aftermath of a nasty tornado in the Bible Belt, Sarah has some problems on her hands.  Her boyfriend, Blank, and her mom barely get a long.  I think it’s a communication issue…meaning they both can’t understand what the F the other one is saying.  Tina thinks that Blank should be giving Sarah $10 per week from his paycheck so she can buy diapers.  It’s then that I realized that I no longer had any right being pissed off when my Stella is never on the happy hour menu.  This show is sobering.  Luckily the shots of vodka that I’m doing just to get through this is reversing that sobering effect.  Blank is a real piece of work because he won’t go to Sarah’s aunt’s house to pick up the crib they’re getting for free and set it up.  Tina, on the other hand, is being your regular enabler by letting Blank live with them because is mother is most likely boiling  meth in her crotch and selling it at a carnival.  Allegedly.  To make things worse, Tina still does Sarah’s hair and makeup for her every single day.  She’s basically the one at fault for Sarah getting pregnant.  I mean, she probably even shaved her “gentlemen greeter” and then instructed Sarah, “Don’t you show this to no one, ya hear?”  That’s probably for her daddy anyway.  I’m kidding.  He’s nowhere to be found.

We learn that Sarah doesn’t like it when the doctor shoves her hand up her vagiola to make sure a baby is still in there (?) because she squeals each time…but not with delight.  She must have been a real treat during the conceiving of Tit-Leaves.  Tina takes a different car than Blank and Sarah because she hates him.  They fight the whole car ride there and back and Blank might be saying he’s going to go work on a shrimp boat or he could be reciting the last versus of “Michael Michael Motorcycle.”   To be honest, we’ll never know.  We’d need to hire forensics to help figure this out and, well, I don’t have that kind of money.  All I know is that Blank has a dress-shirt on a hanger hanging in his back seat.  Where would he be going where he would need a collar and buttons?  Perhaps people of the south attend funerals for sport?  Later after another fight, Sarah calls her mom to let her know that Blank is threatening to move out of the house.  Suddenly they show up back at the house and Tina is sitting out there on her plastic chair in plain old squalor.  I have no idea where she was.  I think she was sitting in front of the house, but it could have been the garage.  Honestly, it’s hard to tell the difference when rusted out trucks and cars are abandon in both places.  It’s like that episode of Intervention where the lady would sit on a metal folding chair in her garage and just pop pills all day.  Ahhh those were simpler times.  Blank storms off in a pale huff and shows up two days later with a bag of chips and a card for Sarah to say “sorry.”  He claims the chips are his version of flowers and if I read it correctly in the sub-titles he called them “tater chips.”  So these people really do exist, huh?  Interesting.  I think those parts of the country should have their own President, which of course would end up being Mayor McCheese.  But that obviously goes without saying.

Everything else was dumb in this episode, per usual.  Sarah tried everything to induce labor which included normal things like sex with a donkey and drinking antifreeze.  Something must have worked because later she went into labor…but ended up having to go with the C-section.  I mean, I’m not a doctor, but I’m guessing a C-section means they cut you at your “C?”  You knew I would eventually go there.  The baby was healthy and we got to watch the whole things as a Polaroid sequence, which is just as terrible as it sounds.  The baby cries all night and Blank is dumb so he has no clue what to do.  He got a job at night working at a grocery store so he sleeps all day and barely helps out.  That’s surprising because he was really a giant bottle of piss and vinegar prior to the baby being born.  After yet another fight, Blank decides to peace out and move an hour away so he could work on that beloved shrimp boat and really start living the American Dream.   Sarah is obviously pissed and her mother makes sure to tell her over and over again that he left her.  That’s sweet.  Once Blank finally calls Sarah she tells him that she hopes he falls overboard.  She shouldn’t wish for things like that because if he dies who’s going to give her $10 per week for diapers?  I mean, that kind of money isn’t easy to come by.

Want to give me $10 per week?  Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s cut a deal.  And don’t forget to click the “Recommend/Like” button on this blog post.  Maybe if I get 300 Likes I’ll recap the final season of Teen Mom that starts on June 12th.  See what I did there?

More 16 & Pregnant Recap:
Is There a Baby on My Stomach?!
When House Hunters Meets Hoarders Meets Amber and Gary’s Summer Cottage
Long Live Davy Jones!
Drop Dead Fred Fathers a Child
Dora and the Cage Fighting “Model”
The One with Selena’s Killer
Mackenzie and that Damn Rodeo

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