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Let’s all get on the same page and get on the same page quick. Everyone in this crapisode may or may not be high the entire time, including the mom to be. This time around we get to take a journey to Banjo Strings East Kackilackee, Ohio to follow along with Danielle and her boyfriend Jamie. I couldn’t even keep track of Danielle’s back story. I’m pretty sure she was a complete sh*t-storm nightmare growing up so she went to go and live with her Grandmother 45 minutes away and then all of a sudden, whoops, she got herself pregnant after a penis accidentally snuck into her gentlemen greeter in the middle of the night. However, the most important thing to note about Danielle is that she is basically the cracked out white trash version of Adele. Agreed? Moving on.
As if things couldn’t get better for me, Danielle is moving her arse back home with her mom who also had a baby when she was 16. So, to do some quick math, her mom is pretty much my age and she has a 16 year old. So pretend as I type this, a child who belongs to me says, “hey dad can I borrow the car?” And then I respond back with, “Go F yourself, I’m blogging.” Her mom actually isn’t too bad looking. I can understand why she let someone slip it in under the bleachers back in the day. And not only does her moms house have the 16 & Pregnant obligatory puffy leather couch, but to up the ante she has my second favorite symbol of “the poors” which is, of course, fake wood paneling. Hooray!
Like every other episode we have to go through the normal hoopla that includes the trash bag friends that ask the producer-fed questions like, “how did you get pregnant?” and “did you use protection?” To keep with the ongoing theme of “I’m f’n confused” Danielle tells her friend with the natural hair that she was not on birth control, but had already ordered it. Apparently she went to “sign up” for her birth control and had to take a pregnancy test before they would “put in her order” and the test came back that she wasn’t pregnant. Then the order came in and when she went to pick up her birth control a week later they tested her one more time and this time she was pregnant. Basically to recap that whole situation “she lied.” We all following?
What in the holy hell is up with the way that every single person talks in this episode? They’re all mono-tone and are speaking completely lifeless and pretty much at a whisper. How the cameramen didn’t have to place mirrors under Danielle’s nose is beyond me. Know what else is beyond me? Danielle’s education level. Like most of the other Ye Old Teenage Mothers, Danielle is trying to finish high school and so she’s taking classes at home…online. That should work out well. While she should technically be a Junior, Danielle has figured out that she is a “10th and a half grader” as she liked to call it or “f*cking bricks” as I like to call it. Spoiler Alert: Towards the end we discover that since Danielle has received two F’s on her latest report card that she is now technically a Freshman…or a 5th semester 7th grader…whatever is closer to the finish line for her.
Prior to Danielle having the baby she and her enthusiastic boyfriend, Jamie, are trying to to plan their finances to see just how much they’re going to need to survive. After a couture shopping trip with her mom, Danielle spills the beans that Jamie makes $300 a pay period. Her mom thinks that $1200 isn’t so bad per month, but then Danielle fills her in a pay period is every two weeks so he only makes about $600 per month. Um, that was real quick math for Danielle so I’m not too sure how she’s a 37 year old Freshman. No me gusta las matematicas. When her mom realizes that Jamie only makes $600/month you can see it written all over her face; 3rd trimester abortion. There, I said it. Bam!
Later we get to meet Danielle’s moms stepdad. To say that these two are the younger and fresher April and Butch is an understatement. Even though her mom has a hot(ish) like quality her fingernails definitely suggest that she plays Bingo on Fridays, collects multi-colored Troll dolls with belly jewels, chain-smokes Virginia Slims, drinks Zima with a cherry Twizzler straw, and still thinks that Ed Hardy seat warmers is appropriate for a women her age. And you know what? I love all of it. All. Of. It.
We, unfortunately, don’t get to witness any form of a baby shower which would have likely been the highlight of my life. Nope, we’re going right to “da birthin'” because apparently Danielle is experiencing a flash flood lightning storm in her vaginastein. At one point she just says, ‘Uh momma its feels likes there’s a lightnin’ bolt down dere.” It’s like, don’t you dare try to get out of having this baby you wiley little minx. I don’t care how much chalk and nail polish remover you try to house! They all end up going to the hospital to shoot the baby out of her GED Maker. The doctor who is pretty much just wearing a red t-shirt says she would rather Danielle have the baby tonight so…you guessed it…she’s getting shot up with Pitocin to help induce labor! Someone grab the potato salad puke bucket because I’m almost certain she’s going to need it! All kidding aside, I hate animals and feel dead inside over dogs (yeah, I own it) but watching all of these Teem Mom-like series really makes me want to buy a dog and name him/her Pitocin. I’m not kidding, I would. In fact, maybe I’ll buy a dog for the day just to do it and then just set it free the next day. You know, release it into the wild streets of New York City and the like. That can’t be wrong, right? I’ll check with Peta. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to skin it and wear the dog fur as a smoking jacket before I release it into the wild or anything so I’m sure I’m still in the guidelines of “a good person.” I have no idea what I’m talking about.
After a troublesome labor that somehow included having to suction the baby out of her vagina everything ended up being fine. I mean, for the first day of the baby’s life he did have a head that was completely two different color and while I was doing my typical chant during the birthing process which of course was “Come on different race! Come on different race!” I thought my prayers were answered, but I guess the baby was two different colors due to the suction cup tool. I’m sure I’ll get emails from 3,000 people explaining to me what the suction cup thing is and the endless reasons why I’m an a-hole. I will now say ahead of time, “Clearly you got the joke.”
For the first week of the baby’s life they’re going to live with Danielle’s mom so she can help out. That’s nice of them. Danielle and Jamie are already fighting over how to change the diaper and basically how disgusting it is. I actually couldn’t tell how Danielle felt about any of this since she is lifeless and dead inside. And, to make matters worse since Jamie took off a couple of shifts from work (aka collecting bottles) to be there for the birth of his son, Mistake Jr., his job is punishing him by only allowing him to work 10 hours a week. So, what he’s down to like $300/month or does he technically just owe them money after each shift? I’m not great with math, but clearly Danielle is. So, in a case where biting off his nose to spite his face would actually make him look better, Jamie decides to just not go back to work. That makes sense. I’m sure babies aren’t expensive. From that point on they keep saying that he lost his job. It’s like, no he quit his job. There’s a difference.
After a week of living with her mom, Danielle decides that she’s ready to be an adult and take care of this baby on her own…at Jamie’s dad’s house where they’ll live rent-free. Yes, just like a real-life adult. Things over a Jamie’s dad’s house isn’t all that better, although I don’t see any puffy leather or wood paneling so, technically, it can’t be any worse. I actually felt bad for Danielle’s mom. She seemed bummed that her daughter was peacing out at 16 years old. I think she should have a baby to fill the void. Or at least have unprotected sex and just let the chips fall where they may (most likely in the cushions of the puffy leather couch).
This is usually the part I love the best about each episode. It’s when during the voice over the teen mom says about her boyfriend, “It seems like he wants to spend more time with his friends than helping take care of the baby.” Uh, ya think? I have nothing to do with their situation and I’d rather do something else than watch them take care of this baby. But, alas, I can’t as I am sans a life. The final straw falls when they check out some daycare that is “free” if you are technically a student. What a real treat this place is. Why not just let a cat watch your baby in a room full of Level III sex offenders. Seriously, the place made me itch just looking at it. And I’m pretty sure that it was stocked with all products and baby furniture that’s been part of a safety recall from the past 2 decades. I mean, the cribs alone you could totally see a baby’s head getting stuck in between the wooden slats. How sad that his is an option. Anyway, they fight it out since Jamie is now the voice of reason and would rather quit his new job than send his son to this daycare. I’m just getting the vibe that Jamie doesn’t want to work. Either way I think he suggested that they send the baby to that daycare when he’s 4 1/2 years old. Uh, yeah, he should be in some form of actual school at that point and, pretty much, will be on track to graduate high school sooner than Danielle.
In the end, after their dumb daycare fight, Danielle decides to move back in with her mom solely for the fact that she will help her. That’s nice of her. Seriously, she’s lucky that her mom is willing to toss in a hand or this chick would be living in a cardboard box on main street in front of the local Bait-n-Tackle. Danielle tells the camera that she wished she knew the “real Jamie” before she had his baby. I find it hard to believe that she didn’t know the “real” him in during the first month when she spread her legs and got knocked the hell up. Funny how that works out.
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