Throw your birth control in the trash and flush the unused condoms down your rusty toilet bowl because it’s time for another episode of “How the Hell Old Am I and Why Did My Period Start and Stop in the Same Month?” How many episodes are we into so far this season? 15? 452? It’s hard to keep up. All I know is that the new season of the original Teen Mom starts up on July 5th and Amber allegedly tried to take a dirt nap yesterday so that she could “sexy-dance” with the devil in hell. She better not leave this world before I do or I’m going to be pissed to the off. Anybooger, here’s what and who went down on the latest episode of “Put It in Me Without Wrapping It.”
Spoiler Alert: Nothing happens.
This time around we get to stop on by the lovely state of Ohio and meet Taylor. Taylor may say she’s 15, but her face tells me she’s 12. One day you sprout knockers and the next day you’re dilated to 10. It’s an epidemic. Meet Taylor’s boyfriend, Nathan. From this point on I’ll only refer to him as “Lip Ring Larry” or “LRL” for short. Lip Ring Larry is 16 years old and sans a job. Shocker. Apparently he fills out applications all the live-long day, but no one will hire him. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that he wears jean shorts that, literally, go all the way down to his ankles. Maybe they’re midget pants? I can’t tell. All I know is that these two look like they both leave a ring around the tub and smell like Lohan’s spray tanned orange stained wrists.
Per “the usual” we also get introduced to a friend of the knocked up girl in question. Honestly, I can’t even make fun of her friend because she looks so young and sweet. I actually felt bad when she was talking to her. I found myself yelling at the TV, “Run, friend of girl, you can catch pregnancy! Run far! Run fast!” The friend was asking about what it was like when she found out she was pregnant. I figure the producers make her ask this. Either way, Taylor says that Lip Ring Larry was all excited and couldn’t wait to tell his mom. His mom, by the way, may or may not be the wife of William Purdue. Also, she works 6:30am to 2pm (code for “at Walmart”). Taylor, on the other hand, was all 6’s and 7’s about having to tell her mom and she admitted to putting food coloring on her tampons so her mom wouldn’t notice she missed her period. I’m sorry, what? While that is jacked up, more importantly, why does her mom customarily check her tampons? Plus, she should have used ketchup in case she ever brought french fries into the bathroom she’d have a little something to dip them in. What? People do bring french fries into that bathroom, right? Riiight??
We learn that Taylor and LRL met at a rollerskating rink. Mmm, sanitary. Why not just rub athletes foot and lice all over your own junk? This crew must really love rollerskating because later they are hitting the wooden disco floor when she’s basically 8 months pregnant. Anywhitepeoplenotdressingwhite, we also get to meet Taylor’s mom, Debi. Debi is so struggling and strapped for cash that she apparently can’t even afford the other “b” and the last “e” in her name. Tough times. She totally wants Taylor to give this baby up for adoption to anyone who will take it just like she did when she was 17 years old. I believe Oprah would call this a “full circle moment.” At least I assume that’s what Oprah is referring to. Speaking of which, when does she get back from vacation?
While Debi talks about all the perks of adoption Taylor and LRL just aren’t ready to make that kind of decision. Seriously, Debi is a good salesman because I don’t even have a kid, but her talk made me look around my apartment to see if there was anything I could give up. I figured the only thing I could part with was my trash. You wanna know what I always wonder about? Why are these girls always so willing to go on TV to talk about this? Whatever happened to that short-lived trend when teen girls would never tell anyone they were pregnant and then just give birth in the toilet during their Prom and just head back out onto the dance floor for a little Electric Slide? Those were simpler times. Also, I would love it if MTV could make that into a TV show. Thank you Santa Christ!
Later, Taylor breaks the news to her mom that she’s keeping her baby. It was very Papa Don’t Preach. Her mom is devastated and crying over this because she basically doesn’t want to have to support this baby too. Seriously, why didn’t she just say that she wasn’t going to give her any money and then be like the hospital bill alone is like $5K so where you getting that from? Also, couldn’t she just ground her? If you can take away her TV privileges you can take away her baby, right? Who cares. Make her roller skate down the front stairs and just let the chips fall where they may.
Back to LRL. This dude still can’t find a job. He should sell drugs or be a pants model or something. He’s the worst. He doesn’t have his license either so he can’t even drive anywhere. The only thing we know for sure that actually does work in regards to LRL is his penis. Too bad that wasn’t out of commission 9 months prior. That should be a law or something. If you can’t get a job and you can’t drive a car you can’t use your penis. Well, for peeing only. I should run for President. Is that hard? (that’s what she said)
We finally arrive at a moment where we get to play “You Know You’re Too Young to Have a Baby When….” I love this game. Taylor is having lunch of some sort with her friend who I still refuse to make fun of and they are, of course, talking about Taylor’s future plans and school and how she’s going to try to take classes at home with this new program. So, You Know You’re Too Young to Have a Baby When…you’re explaining to your friend with braces exactly what “virtual school” is. There will be a Part II to this game later.
This episode drags by and I only notice one small puffy leather couch for about 2 seconds. I think it was at Lip Ring Larry’s house because I’m pretty sure Taylor’s mom has a musty dusty tweed couch…perfect for your standard dentist office. Speaking of “the poors” Taylor and her crew go Trick or Treating and it’s a real “poors” experience because they just basically smeared makeup on their faces and wore coats…puffy coats at that. At one of the houses a skeleton out front literally was saying, “I hear you’re going to be parents.” For real? Yes. I mean if they can program skeletons to say that they should also have ones that show you how to put on a condom or swallow birth control pills. Spooktacular!
Fast forward alert. After other boring crap, it’s finally time for Taylor to have the baby. No, not because she’s going into labor but because it’s the day that she’s going to get induced. Can I get a “Whoaaaaaaaaa Pitocin!” from the choir! Before they leave for the hospital Debi gives Taylor a nice pep talk about how this will be the worst pain of her life. Really? Worse than watching this episode? Doubtful. Even her sister who looks like she’s 18 and has a kid and lives in house that MTV keeps call an “apartment” is trying to prep her for the worst day of her life. What fun.
Aaaand cue the puke bucket! Pitocin, a puke bucket, and over 12 hours of labor? Why I think we have ourselves a 16 & Pregnant hat trick for sure! Taylor is screaming and crying until the cows come home after 13 hours of labor because a human is trying to exit her body via her coin slot. So rude. At one point she’s crying that she just wants to go home. I’m pretty sure you can see her mom in the background thumbing through the Yellowpages for 24 hour on-call adoption agencies. Meanwhile, Lip Ring Larry is staring at her vag and the baby coming out of it like he’s watching an episode of Mr. Wizard when he would let the kids pour the vinegar into the homemade volcano to make it erupt. Similar concept, I guess, but with less baking soda. Although, you never know. Seriously, what am I even saying?
Taylor ends up having a baby girl named Aubry who is born on November 11th. Veterans Day. No really. Perfect, I think. Because at the end of the day the troops have risked their own lives during terrible wars so that this chick and shoot a kid out of her gentlemen greeter at 15 and get her own TV show. God Bless America.
The first day they bring the baby home she’s doing Shasta McNasty every 5 seconds and when she’s not Shasta’ing she’s puking. Seriously, like a lot. And why do they need to show it? When did this show turn into Fear Factor? And please tell Lip Ring Larry to stop pulling a Heidi Montag every two seconds by looking into the camera. They’ve been with you for about 4 months now, you should be used to them by now. Anylipring-larry, LRL to no surprise is barely pulling his weight around the casa de baby. He wouldn’t do “virtual school” and let Taylor go to “real school” and he can’t get a job so he’s pretty much useless. Debi ends up having to buy the diapers and other necessities because these two dopes can’t get it together. Poor Debi. Literally.
Of course the last 15 minutes is of them having the same fight over and over again about LRL not helping out enough and blah blah blah. And Debi needs to stop bringing up adoption because, at this point, it’s too late…although that would be a great twist. Even better, they should give the baby up to Catelynn and Tyler. There’s a thought. I like it and also, me gusta. However, we get to play one more round of “You Know You’re Too Young to Have a Baby When…” because the nice friend is coming over again to see the baby and…you know you’re too young to have a baby when your friend is telling you about the pinata she made in Spanish class that day. I mean, can Spanish classes get any more stereotypical? It’s like teaching kids how to hit their wife if they were taking an Italian class. Hey-oh! Please send hate mail c/o IBBB 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
In the end, Debi has had enough and decides to confront Lip Ring Larry about what a little b*tch he’s being. She brings along Taylor and the random sister and they have this “meeting” in what I can only assume is a dungeon or morgue. No joke, where the hell were they? It was dark, scary, and hollow. Like my heart. Debi puts her size 10 foot down and lets LRL know that she’s not living like this any more and that he needs to step up and not be such a 16 year old boy who can’t grow a beard evenly because all of his hormones haven’t fully developed yet. I made that last part up…although it is kinda true. Taylor and LRL decide to have a talk on their own to try and make things work, but Taylor feels like they’re already like an old married couple. I think the silver lining in all of this is that she’s only 15 and she’ll be about 33 yrs old by the time the kid is 18 and out of the house and, well, that’s still older than me. I’m not sure what my point was, but it scares me that I could have a 15 year old kid running around right now. I’d make them blog.
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