Start manufacturing cement corks for your daughters woo-woo because it’s time for another season of “Condoms Make Better Water Balloons Anyway!” I must admit I was really starting to miss watching young girls make horrible decisions, yet still make it on television and probably do better than me on the regular. We kick things off this season with a blond girl sporting some LC braids named Mackenzie. She’s from Miami…but not the good one. She’s from Miami, Oklahoma which apparently is part of a state that still exists. I just assumed we sold Oklahoma to France in exchange for the Statue of Liberty and Audrina’s berets. However, history has never been my strong suit. Nor grammar. Nor spelling. Or anything involving intelligence. Anysluts, Mackenzie is a cheerleader who likes to tumble and has big plans for her future but there’s just one catch. She’s 16 years old and while the rest of her friends were trying to get on top of the pyramid during cheer practice, our little Mackenzie Not Good Enough To Be a Phillips was busy doubling down on some dinky-doo under the bleachers of Missing Front Tooth High School (M-F-T-H-S Fight Fight Fight!) with her boyfriend Josh. We’ll get to him in a moment.
That moment has come. Josh is your typical Oklahoma dude, in my humble yet 100% accurate opinion based on fact and a grainy picture I once had seen in my 7th grade Social Studies book. It goes without saying that Josh has a love for all things “rodeo” and has a tough time stringing sentences together. That’s probably because he’s had multiple concussions due to falling off the bull one too many times. Don’t fret, my friends (oh yeah), because Josh has given up riding bulls for riding wild horses instead. It’s safer after all those concussions, y’all! The concussions must have impacted the part of this brain that allowed him to wear anything except cut-off t-shirts all the live-long-day and a white hat that rests awkwardly on top of this head. A light breeze is surely to knock it off. I’m talking about both his hat and himself off of a wild horse. But you knew that. In typical 16 & Where’s My Pitocin fashion, sub-titles are typically used for when Josh speaks, which is good because when he opens his mouth all I hear is dueling banjos and a sheep getting banged on a stack of hay in a large red barn under the moonlight of a humid summer night whilst fireflies act as romantic candles. You hear the same thing, right?
Mackenzie loves cheering so much that she even goes to practice with her stomach hanging out at about 7 months pregnant. That’s cute. While all the other girls are being tossed around to and fro, you totally know Mackenzie wants to take a shot of bleach and “have at it” on the trampoline. Ironically enough, I’m pretty sure that at 16 years old and knocked to the up, “trampoline” is also Mackenzie’s nickname. Speaking of names, since there is wood paneling represented all throughout the house of any of your standard “poors” it’s time to start thinking of names of this here baby. Of course we learn that Josh would like to name it “Doe-Shot” if it’s a girl and “Buck-Shot” if it’s a boy. Awww that’s cute and never found on a pencil or sippy cup. I think since this couple is bricks, per usual on this show, they should name the baby Dip-Sh*t. It’s a nice compromise between both of Josh’s ideas. They end up settling on Gannon, if it’s a boy, which I believe is Irish for “The Makers of Activia.” I could be wrong, but you know that’s doubtful.
This show follows the same format of most of the shows in this beloved series. That means it’s time for the mom to have a heart-to-bricks talk with her daughter about how she got herself in this little pickle of a situation. Apparently Mackenzie never wanted to take birth control because she was afraid she was going to get fat. I mean, that makes sense. I also hear she didn’t want Josh to use a condom because she didn’t want to balloon up. See what I did there? Yeah, me either. Well, sorta. I was on to something and then just called it quits. I would have spent more time on that joke but I didn’t want to get fat. Saved! Oh, and you know how spotting a puffy leather couch statistically means you’re living in a house of “the poors?” Well I’m running the same study for when a teenage girls bedroom has one brightly painted wall that they lean up against on the regular. Seriously, every one of these skanks-in-heat always have the bright wall which we can assume is painted with lead paint…like the Chinese tried to do with Dora’s face. Nice try but we’re on to you! And who gets to paint their room when they’re little?! Certainly not me. When I wanted my room painted I was simply told, “No, we’re paying for Catholic School.” I mean, that was pretty much the answer to everything, including why is there 29 days in February this year. Go figure.
Josh and Mackenzie like to do all things that normal teens with humans living inside them like to do, like go to the carnival and get kicked off the Ferris Wheel since apparently your baby can explode if exposed to certain heights. They also like to pick up the phone book and just call random businesses to see if they’re hiring and then ruining their chances by spilling the beans that their only 16 years old and 7 months pregnant. You want to know what I was busy doing at 16? Getting my braces tightened and wondering when my pubic hair was going to arrive. Mackenzie’s mother wants to know how Josh is going to contribute to this baby (read that again, but in Barb’s voice) and his answer (presented with sub-titles) was, “Plan to get money was rodeos.” I mean, WTF. In this case WTF, of course, means Wash That Face. I think Mackenzie and her dad have the right idea on getting money by recycling their soda cans. They collected $52 dollars! Wow. That should probably get them a box of diapers and a bar of soap. I guess I shouldn’t joke. There was an Asian lady in my neighborhood who paid for all 6 of her kids college education that way. I’m sure she didn’t use the whole, ‘We’re paying for Catholic school’ as an excuse. Ahem.
We later learn that Josh’s brother has the same speech problem as Josh. Although he does give him some words of advice about quitting the rodeo for Mackenzie and Gannon which is, of course, “Don’t take away someones rodeo.” Truer words have never been spoken. I once knew a girl who tried to take away this guys rodeo and he shot her. Well it wasn’t so much a rodeo as it was a cell phone. And it wasn’t so much shooting her as it was punching her in the head. Fine, I’m talking about Rihanna and Chris Brown and I don’t really known them. Moving right along. Josh ends up getting in a bad car accident, which we learn about through a series of pencil sketches brought to you by the talented folks at MTV. Apparently he’s in the ICU and needs to wear a neck brace because he really F’d up his neck. I assumed he got kicked in the head by a bull during potential intercourse, but I think everyone would rather just stick with the “car accident” story. I’m fine with that. However, with that clunky plastic neck brace I have no idea how Josh got his cut-off t-shirts over his head. And, not for nothing, but someone cover him up. I mean I’ve seen more exposed nipple during his last 5 minutes than I did whilst watching your standard crapisode about anything Kardashian. Hey-oh! Anyway, it looks like Josh is going to need neck surgery to repair some nerves, etc and it may impact his brain…no joke. I hope they fix the part that allows him to speak in complete sentences. I know a West Virginian geneticist that can help. Facebook me if you want his contact info.
Finally, Mackenzie heads off to the hospital because her vagina is about to explode and never be the same again…without a little needle and thread at least. Evidently the baby was so God-damn big that after 7 hours it was time to go in for a c-section. If you were thinking we were going to take a shot over hearing the term “pitocin” you are sadly mistaken. They weren’t joking about that size of that baby. They say he was 9lbs 7 oz but he looked like he was 12 years old and has a mustache and an attitude. The remaining parts of the episode are standard. They show them going home and the baby crying all night long as these young new parents need to get up every 45 minutes. Seriously, the baby won’t stop crying. I decided to put my TV on mute because, well, I didn’t get anyone knocked up so why should I have to suffer through this? Josh is busy selling his rodeo gear for some cash-money and Mackenzie is getting ready to go back to school and “tumbling” class. Yeah that’s a good idea. Throw her around shortly after her stomach was cut open and her insides were removed. Seems safe. Eh, at least she can do splits again without her vagina falling off. After going back to the rodeo (of course) and fighting with Josh because he wants to ride again (even though he has a 98% chance of dying if he falls off) Josh finally decides to quit the glamorous and flashy life of the rodeo and eventually get a real job that doesn’t involve dirt and a stop watch. He should try can collecting.
Before you send the hate-mail, no I won’t be recapping the 2nd hour of 16 & Pregnant that was on last night. I’m taking a stand and not committing to 2 hours of anything in my life. However, you can join me on my Facebook page and tell me all about it because, let’s face it, people like to talk about Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant on there about 17 times per day. So at least you can stay up-to-date. Ole!