16 and Pregnant Recap: Let’s Decode JR’s Mystery Language

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Dust off your home supply of Pitocin because it’s time for another crapisode of “Race to Give Birth Before My Prom!” This time around we  have Maci and Ryan 2.0, but their baby will never be Bint-Lee. Never. You hear me? Anyway, here’s what went down on last nights episode:

  • Well folks we’ve hit the 16 & Pregnant trifecta.  Kayla is a pageant girl, from the deep south, and is pregnant!  To celebrate this recapping achievement I suggest you all go out and do sex to things.
  • It’s time to play “What’s the Sign You’re Too Young to Be Having a Baby!?”  Add 2 points to your score sheet if you answered, “Your best friend that you’re having lunch with has braces.”
  • Kayla and her friends are giggling like school girls (and not just because technically they are) when Kayla tells them to make sure they wear their “raincoats” when they have sex.  Yeah, if you’re old enough to come down with a case of “Penisitis Vaginus” then you’re old enough to call it a condom.  There, I said it.
  • Whilst lunching Kayla expresses her fears that people are going to think she’s trashy because she got pregnant.  Kayla, no one thinks that.  I certainly don’t.  I do, however, think you may be a trash bag if you’re eating at a place called “Greens and Beans” and, spoiler alert, you are.
  • As if I couldn’t already be high-fiving myself over this crapisode already, we get to meet Kayla’s boyfriend as they sit in the stands of the high school football game.  Had cameras been around about 20 weeks ago, perhaps we would have seen Kayla and her boyfriend, JR, actually conceiving the baby right there under the bleachers.  Heck, I’m sure if the cameras scanned down we’d be able to witness someone else conceiving right at this very minute.  That’s life.  Right now someone is getting a touch down and somewhere else someone just made a baby.  I am so deep tonight.
  • Oh, and JR rules because, of course, they are giving him…wait for it…wait for it…wait for it….sub-titles!  Yeeee haw (cue the hay chewing and two gun salute!).   I’m sure if I put on my closed captioning right now it would just say “Twang noises.”  My favorite.  Luckily I’m from Boston and have no detectable accent at all.  Sidewards wink.
  • Sitting around the kitchen table, Kayla is chit-chatting with her parents  all reminiscing about the first time they found out Kayla was knocked to the up.  Her dad looked very disappointed, but mainly because he wasn’t the father.  Other than that they still love her and blah blah blah are probably just psyched to be on a TV show.
  • As we get a peek into JRs house for some inexplicable reason he has a full on work out machine smack dab in the middle of his parents living room.  That makes sense.
  • Ok I’m not even saying this to be funny.  I swear.  But the entire scene of Kayla and JR at the pizza place…I actually have no idea what they were saying.  I detected that they’re having a boy and that JR is happy because he can carry on the family name (Bobby Joe Billy Jim Pete) and then I think there was a conversation about horses because they tossed in some sub-titles, but other that that?  Nada.  No clue.  I swear to God it just sounded like dueling banjos to me.
  • Later, JR and Kayla check out JR’s parents “other house” that they might be able to live in.  From what I gather through slow-motion on my DVR and lip-reading, I think JR said that it was his grandparents house and that “they won’t need it.”  Huh?  Um, that’s something a killer says.  I’d say check the woods for their bodies, but from the looks of where they live, literally, ever other space that isn’t their house is the woods.  Also, the house was totally decorated by the Harriet Carter catalog which is fine by me.  I was looking for a magnet on the fridge that said, “Let Me Tell You About My Grandcats”
  • Is it wrong that I think MTV should also choose a couple that plans on having an abortion?  I’m not being funny about it (save the hate mail) but they’ve shown all the other options so I was just assuming they would show people what that process is like, mentally.  Moving on. Wow that was such a buzz kill.   Sorry.
  • I spotted a dead deer head mounted on the wall!  Please add 2 more points!
  • JR’s mother is supportive of the baby and the couple but doesn’t think they should be living together before they get married.  I think she makes total sense…on opposites day!  Seriously, if these families would spend more time talking about birth control and condoms as they do on following the Bible “maybe” they wouldn’t be in this mess.  It’s like, ma’am your son had is Dingle McDoogledangle in his girlfriends “gentlemen greeter” and that formed a human being.  Maybe “sharing a bed in a house together before marriage” isn’t their biggest sin at this time.  Yeah?
  • Note to self:  I can understand JR when he’s tired and talking very slowly.  Well, sort of.  I can understand about 2/3rds of what he’s saying.  You think I would have learned to understand through all the yawns from Ryan (and Maci) on Teen Mom!?
  • Next up, Kayla calls her local pageant representative to ask why the rules say she can’t enter a pageant if she has a child.  The well spoken woman explains that it’s because they feel that if they’re a parent then they “wouldn’t be interested in doing it.”  Great answer.  Click.
  • After Kayla, her mom, and JR’s mom all have a few good laughs on the risks of postpartum depression, Kayla decides to blow off some steam by putting on camouflage clothes with JR, literally climbs up a ten foot ladder, sits in a tree, and then starts shooing at animals in the woods.  You know, this totally makes sense as I hear that pregnant women get major cravings to put on camouflage clothes, climb up a ten foot ladder, sit in a tree, and then shoot at animals in the woods.  Oh, that and pickles and milk.
  • Sweet!  It’s time for the family portrait!  Kayla gets on a face full of makeup and then they take pictures of her and JR in all white clothing.  Very virginal.  Kayla is starting to morph into DJ Tanner, which is fine with me.  This, of course, makes me a geek burger with cheese.
  • Wait what?  During the ANTM photoshoot, JR goes off script and asks DJ to be his wife.  Technically I think that’s what he said.  He may have mumbled a recipe for low-fat blueberry muffins.  I couldn’t tell.
  • Well the celebrating is short lived because (1) Kayla doesn’t actually seem too thrilled and (2) she may be in way early labor.  Like 5 weeks early.  Oh and she’s already 7 centimeters dilated so, yeah, there’s that sign too.  Ouch.
  • Kayla and crew head to the hospital and about 10 seconds later she gave birth.  Apparently a camera crew wasn’t invited in because we only got to a see a few pictures of this process and not the full on documentary style that we’re used to in this series.  Therefore I think the whole thing was a hoax and she wasn’t really pregnant.  Clearly Kayla just wanted some TV time, as do I, so I don’t blame her.  In fact, I like her strategy.
  • In typical 16 & Preggers fashion, JR is moving in with Kayla and her family, BUT as long as he promises to sleep in the other room and not bang her.  Deal and deal.  And did you notice that when the parents have some money and live in a nice house it just seems “easier” to take care of the baby?  Her mom is actually pretty cool about this whole thing and is giving a helping hand.  I just wish she’s do that “pageant mom audience smile and head shake” while Kayla was talking.  That would really spice things up a bit.
  • Alright cut the sh*t.  Why is she taking her baby riding on a horse right now?  I expect this from the likes of Amber and Farrah, but not this chick.  Seriously that was a terrible idea.  If she ever fell off that horse she’d crush the baby and Debra would have to clean it up with her court-ordered roadside cleanup!  Cue the trash-claw!
  • In the end, Kayla’s friends basically don’t want to invite her to the Prom because the looks on their faces lead me to believe that they thought they could “catch pregnancy” just by hanging out with her.  Kayla had to go back to school so she could finish up her senior year and decides that she’s not ready to move out with JR and get married.  What?  Is this the first good decision we’ve ever seen on 16 & Pregnant?  Yowza!
  • I’m calling it now that this chick will end up on the new season of Teen Mom whenever that happens.

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