The title of this blog post is a sentence that has never been said by anyone at any time, ever. Now before everyone starts crying and punching like April during a meth binge, I do already think that this entire crapisode, well, crapped. However comma backslash, it was filled with enough scoops of crazy to make a huge pitcher of Crazy-Aid. Oh yeah! Meet Countess Vaughn Kianna. She’s 17 years old and has a new Walgreen’s Halloween aisle Fright Wig for almost every day of the week. Within minutes I found myself saying “Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!”
Kianna has been dating Zak for a total of 8 weeks before she found herself in a real Lucy/Ethel type jam. Even though Zak is only 15, he was able to knock up Kianna just in time for the 16 & Pregnant audition tape deadline. Seriously, what do you do if the first time you have sex you end up getting someone pregnant? Even worse, this all took place in a twin bed. Now this episode is missing a lot of fun elements like the baby shower and shopping for baby supplies and the like, but we do get to meet some interesting characters and situations throughout the whole thing. Meet Ashlynn, Kianna’s friend. Ashlynn is pretty much Kathy from Real Housewives of New Jersey and wants to know how Kianna ended up getting pregnant. To no surprise we learn that she (oops) forgot to take her birth control for 3 days. She keeps harping on this “3 day” time-frame and can’t believe that anything big could really happen during that short period of time. I’m sorry, have you heard of a little story about a man named Jesus Christ? Yeah. Uh, he was crucified on the cross, suffered, died, and was buried and then 3 days later he came back to life and ascended into Heaven. So, yeah, you can accomplish a lot in 3 days…including getting pregnant from your boyfriend who isn’t old enough to drive or get a job.
For the next 20 minutes or so we have to listen to Kianna and Zak argue about possibly giving the baby up for adoption. Apparently, her mother was a teen mom and knows how hard it was so she seems all for giving this baby to anyone who will take it. Oh, and what’s up with their house? I’m confused by some things. First off, the mother drives a black BMW and the house itself looks really nice…but it’s filled with the rattiest furniture and decorations money can buy (you class, my friend). I mean, this isn’t important but I immediately started searching for the puffy leather and was crushed when I didn’t even see a trace. Evidently puffy leather couches are not only for “the poors” but also for “the poor whites.”
Anyropehairextensions, Kianna is pretty sure she wants to give the baby up for adoption, but Zak doesn’t want her to because his dad was never there for him so even though they go to different schools, live 30 minutes away from each other, can’t drive a car, can’t get a job, and can’t enroll in the military, Zak still wants to keep the baby and be a better father than his dad was. Yes, because at the end of the day there’s nothing that babies like better than poverty and living in a cardboard box. Way to keep it selfish. And what’s up with Kianna’s random career aspirations. She keeps saying, “And I want to study to get my veterinarian medicine license.” What the hell does that even mean? Like, you give dogs Sudafed? I’m at a loss. And she kept pronouncing “veterinarian” the same way that Leah tried to pronounce “geneticist”…horribly.
Here’s the thing I don’t understand. Why are they only using sub-titles some of the time? I couldn’t hear/understand an F’n word that either of these two were saying 100% of the time. The volume on my TV hit tilt and I’m pretty sure my neighbors thought someone in my apartment was trying to give a baby up for adoption and then later having the baby via C-section in my kitchen. The ironic part is that there was. But I digress.
Zak doesn’t think it’s going to take a lot to take care of the baby because, and I quote, “I have toys and stuff.” Yes, toys. I mean, if you want your baby to be a professional toy player who doesn’t need to know how to read, write, fight off diseases, or eat then “yes” toys are just enough. And while I thought that Kianna was the voice of reason she’s actually having a change of heart because she keeps saying that she has $130.00 saved up so far. Excuse me? I’m bacon porkin’. Come again? Look, even if she said she saved up $130,000 I would still think it’s not enough but, no, she’s talking about $130.00. So basically she can fill her car up with gas twice or birth a baby and raise it for 18 years. Seems normal to me. Once these two crackerjacks decide to not give the baby up for adoption Kianna says, “It’s gonna be a b*tch jungle.” Seriously, what? I have to admit, I kinda like it. I’m going to start to describe my day that way from now on. How was work? “Oh, it was a b*tch jungle today but, I mean, I can still take steak.”
While nothing else major really happened this episode, with the exception of the new school she went to where the teacher wanted to do ice-breakers by seeing who could do cartwheels (perv), we still get to play my favorite game titled, “You Know You’re Too Young to Have a Baby When…” So, you know you’re too young to have a baby when you’re telling your friends you’ve decided to keep your baby…while having a snack…during recess. And why do all her friends seem pissed at her every time she talks? One girl was like “Why you keeping your baby?” and then gave a little side eye and then some other chick, who I’m 98% certain was Raven Symone, looked like she was going to mug these chicks for their lunch money. I’m a little disappointed she didn’t because, well, this episode needed a little something.
Things get a little serious when she heads off to a regular doctors appointment and she shows her doctor her swollen feet. So that’s an image I will never forget. Ever. And, I want to take a picture of it and place it on my refrigerator when my eating habits go haywire. I guess the doctor thinks there might be an issue so they’re going to run some urine tests on her and if they find out she has Preeclampsia then they’re probably going to have to induce her…and you know what that means!! This urine test actually consists of her having to pee in a legit jug for 24 hours, store it in her refrigerator and then bring the jug-o-piss back to the doctor when it’s either full or officially turns into lemonade. I’m not a doctor. I don’t know how it works. Pregnancy is a tricky b*tch. You’re either puking into a potato salad container, spitting into a Pringles can, or peeing into a Kool-Aid jug. Lots of container-like contraptions.
This couldn’t come at a worse time. Actually, speaking of things coming at the wrong time, what was up with Kianna having to take that class where they give you a pretend baby to take care of for the weekend to see if you can handle it? Uh, like Jojo said it’s just a little too late, no? And, to be honest, that fake baby’s crying was pissing me off…so I got up and took a piss in my refrigerator so that I could feel like I could relate to Kianna.
The results came back and Kianna had to go to the hospital that day to be induced because she was at high risk for Preeclamsia. So, they’re going to give her…you guessed it…Pitocin! Hooray! I feel like moving forward when they they announce the Pitocin they should have confetti shoot out of a cannon. Oh, and I think that Preeclampsia Pitocin would make a beautiful baby name. I believe she was in labor for 127 hours and even after giving her some drugs that made her “head feels like it’s free” they decided to give her a C-section because the baby’s heart rate was slowing down. After a quick prayer from a random cast of characters she gave birth to a healthy baby boy named something besides Preeclampsia Pitocin III.
In the end, Zak can only help take care of the baby on the weekends because that’s the only time his mom can drive him (my mom can drive us if your mom can pick us up) and he still can’t get a job because he’s 11 years old. Ever hear of selling drugs or gang banging? Get goals. Kianna and her mom have to do most of the work and Kianna is getting sleepy pants over all of this, plus she’s trying to balance school on top of all of this. Luckily her friends come to visit her once in a while, especially the first day she was home from the hospital and all by herself. Her friend (and I’m not making this up) Pooh stopped by to meet the baby. Pooh. Her name was Pooh. And they didn’t even put it in quotes so I think that’s her actual birth name. Pooh FTW!
Again, not much happened this episode but we did get to laugh over the $130 baby plan, the “b*tch jungle” the piss jug, Pooh, the endless supply of wigs, oh and the bandaid that was sometimes on Zak’s lip and sometimes wasn’t. I guess you don’t need a puffy leather couch or a baby shower when you have filler like this. And remember kids, as MTV says “Only you can prevent forest fires.” At least that’s what I think they say. Happy sexing!