Well here we are again, face to face, a couple of silver spoons. Oh wait wrong show. It’s time to talk about another teen girl who was in heat and now has a human to deal with. That’s right folks, it’s time for another crapisode of “You Mean It Doesn’t Shoot Confetti?” This time around we get to meet Alex. She’s 16. Probably. She could be 17. I mean, this show lies a little about that. Alex lives in a Pennsylvania town with her mom (who seems a little off the mark) and her little brother and sister. Alex looks like the white-trashier version of Jessica from Laguna Beach. So basically, still Jessica from Laguna Beach. She enjoys working two jobs, which include a fast food joint and a dance school. I think it’s great that she can Roger Rabbit the cheeseburger smell off her body on the regular. Her boyfriend, Matt, is basically the partially aborted child of Yahoo Serious and Drop Dead Fred. He looks high as a kite with random sweaty bangs in most of his scenes and seems to wreak of a mix of pot and lack of determination. I can see why Alex couldn’t resist having “the sex” with him.
Alex is in quite the pickle because her mother is making it her life’s mission to convince her daughter to sell that baby to anyone who will buy it. Instead of seeing her on the back of a milk carton with the title “Have You Seen Me?” her mother wants to start running ads that say, “Do You Want Me?” Her mom Wendy (pretty) is, however, saying that Alex can keep the baby…there’s just one catch. She can’t live with them anymore. Aww that’s sweet. I’m sure the money she makes from teaching young girls how to do the Running Man will be enough to pay rent somewhere (we’ll get to that later). Alex’s little brother wants to know if it’s against the law to “keep the baby.” Let’s be prepared to see this kid as a “baby daddy” on a future episode, yes? Wendy is all up in arms about how Alex got herself into this mess because she claims she told Alex growing up that there were to be “no babies in this house” and how that was a form of birth control. That seems foolproof. It’s not as safe as the “cross your fingers and eyes” method, but still pretty effective.
Per usual, her “friends” wanted to know how she got pregnant. This time around, however, they’ll have the discussion at dance class all whist sitting on the floor spread eagle. Now is a good a time as any to start passing out corks. Either way, it’s time to play my favorite game from last season, “You Know You’re Too Young to Have a Baby When…” That’s right. Let’s play! You Know You’re Too Young to Have a Baby When…you tell your friends you cried all the way to the bus stop and all the way to school when you found out you were pregnant. Alex does claim that they did use birth control and that this was just an “oopsie kind of thing.” Seriously, take a couple of shots of bleach and grab the Hoover. An “oopsie kind of thing” is when you stub your toe on the coffee table. #Bricks. She also tells her friends that when she showed up to school and people found out she was pregnant people called her loving reindeer names like, “Slut” and “Whore.” Clearly people in PA are sans creativity and imagination. Also as a sidenote, both “slut” and “whore” would make beautiful baby names.
Let’s talk about Yahoo Serious for a second. I mean, WTF. This guy is the worst and is a sweaty as Whitney in the late 90’s. Too soon? I don’t think so. We learn that this dude doesn’t have a job (shocker) but may get one at a factory one day. A factory? Does he live in Lanford? Although, factory workers always seem to be the ones who win the Powerball, so best of luck to him. Yahoo Serious, we also learn, was thrown out of the local mini-golf for being a douche and when he actually showed up for Alex’s ultrasound he never looked in her direction, at the monitor, and kept on falling asleep in his chair. How he stayed awake for sex is beyond me. I mean, it’s one thing to be a douche-bolsa in real life, but wouldn’t you be fake for the cameras? I know I would. I’d be the nicest person in “The America” and even possibly quieter parts of Canada. It always makes me laugh when these people are actually themselves on camera. Haha. Kids.
Things take an extremely random turn in this episode when Alex’s friend, Barista (?), goes to the diner with her and tells her how much her mom loves her…and can’t have any more children so she’d be willing to buy her baby from her. I was like, “Whaaaat?!” Barista takes Alex to see her parents and they all sit at the kitchen table and basically try to creepily bargain for the baby. The mother actually says the words, “I want a baby. Bad.” To help sweeten the deal they’ve even set her up in her own place next door from them. Apparently she can live with some lady named Brenda who is willing to give her a room in exchange for $552 per month. More importantly, why does Brenda and the mother both look they could be related to Gary’s mom from Teen Mom? The both must smell like cat hoarders and leave a ring around the tub. But that goes without saying. Barista’s parents don’t want to put any pressure on Alex giving them her baby, but let her know that she can see the baby all the time, especially because she’ll be living next door. Then at one point the mother just says, “But I don’t want you after a year saying I want that baby back.” Smart move trying to work a Chilli’s endorsement at a time like this. ABC…always be closing. Too bad that same motto didn’t work on Alex in regards to her legs and sex. Honestly, she shouldn’t just be thinking of these people to take her baby. She should hold a mix of a yard sale and an auction and sell that kid to the highest bidder. I want that baby. Bad. #CreepyAdoptionTactics
There’s so many crazy things that happened in this crapisode and not just because MTV hates me and makes this one 90 minutes. Jerks. Alex stays at Barista’s house for the night and when she wakes up she starts having contractions. No big deal, right? Yeah, no. She starts having contractions at 9am, but is still hanging out at the house at 10am…and then 11am…then her mother shows up dressed like the Captain & Tennille and says she’s going to go home to get her bags…then she’s texting and calling Yahoo Serious at 12…then at 1pm she’s face down on the carpet…then she finally gets into the car…to literally chase down Yahoo Serious on the side of the street and fight with him whilst she’s screaming with labor pains. And THEN she finally goes to the hospital, after more than 4 hours. Is this chick for real? She should have just had the baby on the side of the road during her fight. Having it in the bathroom during your Prom is so late 2000’s. Side of the road is where it’s at for 2012!
I’m not sure what’s going on this season, but it seems like the MTV camera crew is never allowed in the hospital anymore and no one is getting their dose of Pitocin. It’s a real let down. After 18 hours of labor, Alex finally has the baby girl. We learn this through a series of poorly taken Polaroids and a terrible theme song in the background. Since Yahoo Serious and Drop Dead Fred were both there for her stay at the hospital, Alex decides that Papa Don’t Preach she’s keeping her baby. She goes over to tell the parents who wanted to buy it from her that she’s not ready to sell it. Alex’s mom just looks at them and says, “I’m so sorry” like she’s letting a couple on Antiques Road Show know that their $1 million shoe horn is now only worth $5.00 because someone painted over the original signature. I’m not even sure I know what that means and I wrote it. I believe Alex actually said, “She’s mine for now.” Awww. Yeah, and Barista’s mother looks like she’ll kidnap that baby regardless. See you all on Unsolved Mysteries!
Alex ends up moving in with Gary’s mom and sometimes Yahoo Serious shows up from time to time, usually high and tired. After your usual teen fighting and realizing that they don’t have any money, Alex wants to move back in with her mom and relax on that oversized puffy leather sectional. I know you know I saw it. It’s like “Where’s Waldo” for adults….with mental issues…like me! Ole! Since her mom is on break from the Captain & Tennille comeback tour and full of empty promises, she allows Alex and the baby to come back home. She even throws her a “Welcome Party” which is kinda like a baby shower but thrown weeks after the baby is born. While this “Welcome Party” is going on Alex decides to text Brenda to let her know she can’t afford the rent and is moving out. Brenda lovingly texts her back to come and get her crap because it’s on the side of the road. Alex has to leave her own Welcome Party to go to Brenda’s where, yes, all of her stuff is on the side of the road including her gross mattress. She’s screaming about something to do with people not ever hearing of “sophistication.” Huh? I found myself yelling back at my television, “You were living with a cat-lady and your mattress was on the floor….anyone ever hear of condoms?”
In the end (because, again, this sh*t was 90 minutes) Alex ended up having to go to “Cyberschool” instead of real school because daycare was too expensive, Yahoo Serious was high all the time (high, high yaw both high and smokin’ weeeeeed in front of my house), and the baby puked on the floor while Alex tried to work at her “dance school.” The crapisode ends with Alex and Yahoo Serious having one last fight because he was all high and not taking care of the baby. She ends up telling him that all he’s going to be is a “check in the mail” to which he replies, “I won’t even be that…not where I’m going.” I love a murder-suicide teaser. He grabs a box of his crap and walks out of the house. Alex puts the baby down for a nap (unattended!) and then takes off after him where she can scream at him on the street in front of broken down houses that all seem to still be able to afford multiple satellite dishes. Gotta love that class! He takes his box of stuff and smashes it on the ground like that time Michelle Tanner found out Papouli died in his sleep and so she smashes her popsicle stick bird house on the kitchen floor. She tells him that all he wants to do is hang out with his crack-head friends and how he’ll never see his daughter again. Is it too late to sell the baby? Is there like an expiration date with that kind of stuff? I want that baby. Bad.
Wanna sell me your baby? Make an offer by joining me on my Facebook page! See you there!