16 and Pregnant Recap: Head Out on the Highway!

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Hey y’all I’m Leah and… Another week, another cheerleader in trouble.  If you ever wondered what it would be like if The Cosby Show morphed with the George Lopez and then they cast lifeless Sondra as the 16-year old who’s pregnant well wonder no more because I’m pretty sure this is what happened last night on 16 & I’m in a Pickle.  This time around we have Jennifer, who’s the daughter of Jenny (from the block) and Rico (Suave, of course) and while she claims she would love to be playing sports and having fun, she can’t because…she’s pregnant and with twins!  I always feel like when a teen girl has twins it’s Santa Christ’s way of saying, “I said for procreation only!”

I’m actually glad that we have Jennifer cast this episode.  In fact, I’d wake up your little ones and have them sit in front of the television because if they ever wanted to know how Dora ruined her life, now’s the chance.  If only Boots filled her birth control pill prescription or if her dumb f*ck boyfriend, Josh, could have used the Map to get to Walgreens to buy condoms maybe they wouldn’t be in this mess.  I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the MAP!  Catchy. Oh, and she also has La Toya Jackson’s creepy baby voice too.  So, well, there’s that.

Speaking of her boyfriend, Josh, he seems…nice?  I mean, he seems like he may or may not have completed the evolution process and always looks like he’s about to hit Jennifer with a closed fist.  I have a feeling he’ll be telling AnnaMae to eat the cake before this crapisode is over.  But it’s not just me that has this hunch and think something is off about Josh (who I also believe is Kail’s boyfriend’s little brother), Jennifer’s parents actually hate him.  At one point the father said that “he did this to her.”  Well, technically he did but Jennifer was involved in this too and unless they heard her blow her rape whistle let’s just say that they’re both a fault.  At the end of the day these two are both dumb as sh*t as she didn’t want to take her birth control and Josh thought it was “too awkward” to go and buy condoms.  Yeah, that makes sense.  You deserve twins.  In fact, bang her again and see if you can go for triplets.  What?  I heard that’s how triplets are made.  No whammies, no whammies, no whammies STOP!

Here’s the problem with the parents, Jenny from the Block and Rico Suave, they’re too calm.  Even when they’re faux-freaking out when Jennifer tells them they Josh wants the babies to have his last name, they’re way too calm.  Whatever happened to parents yelling at kids to get their point across?  Ever hear of instilling the fear of God in them?  You wanna know what would happen if at 16 my sister ever told my parents she was pregnant?  It would have gone down a little something like this:

My Sister:  “Mom, Dad, I’m pregnant at 16.”
My Parents: “Get in the refrigerator.”

End scene.

See how that works?  They would totally have pulled a Cheri Johnson on her and, well, I would have been an only child.  Maybe if her parents followed similar methods she would have been able to start her Sophomore year at 16 and not pregnant.

My favorite part of almost every episode is the baby shower.  Usually I watch those scenes twice.  Once to see what happens and once just to pause the scene every 5 seconds or so and look in the background for trash boxes and the like.  This time, however, I had a real hard time figuring things out.  First off, I didn’t see any puffy leather couches, so that was a real let down.  But, I also couldn’t figure out where in the hell they were.  First I thought they were at Josh’s parents house since they were the ones who were throwing this baby shower for her since her own parents wouldn’t, but the room that they’re in is just one ginormous rectangle and has legit exit signs on the walls.  But, on the other hand, there looks like there’s a dresser next to Jennifer with a TV on top of it while she opens her gifts, so I’m confused.  And to make things worse, when the shower is over Josh drives her home, but he’s parked literally in the middle of a large grassy field with no other cars parked anywhere near him…or at all.  I’m not sure why I give two sh*ts about any of this, but basically this is like the most difficult Where’s Waldo puzzle I’ve ever tried to solve!

Next up, Jennifer is all nervous and junk because she has to start school and she’s afraid of what everyone will think of her being pregnant.  Really?  She’s scared?  She’s going to an alternative school (basically for troubled youth) so let’s just assume that every chick at her lunch table will be “with child” and every guy will have his pants down to his knees and tattoos up their neck.  That’s how I picture it at least.  More importantly, does Rico cut lawns for a living?  If so, nothing wrong with that but they seem to have a decent house and their pool looks awesome, especially at night.  In fact, I’m almost certain it’s the same pool they used to shoot the scene on 90210 when Kelly first made out with Dylan when Brenda was away, you know, right before they told her that they’re seeing each other and Brenda said, “I hate you both, never talk to me again” and then booked it up the street running away like Phoebe from Friends.  Yeah, so anyway, that pool.

Since it’s their 1 year anniversary, Josh takes Dora to a fancy restaurant with plastic ketchup bottles on the table and ends up proposing to her.  Oh snap!  Dora’s abuela y abuelo is going to be piiiised!  Since Josh is “big man on campus” he sits in the car while Dora heads on inside to tell her mom that she’s engaged.  In Josh’s defense he wanted to come inside the house, but Dora made him sit in the car.  I’m sure deep down she was wishing that Swiper would come and swipe those babies from her while she walked up the driveway.  I may be done with the Dora jokes now, thanks for playing.

Once inside the house, Jennifer tells her mother that she’s engaged and this suddenly turns into a telenovela.  Her mother is talking very quietly and almost in rehearsed dialogue all whilst soft, yet dramatic, violins play in the background.  She’s saying things to Jennifer and Josh like, “you know I can’t say congratulations to you” and the music gets dramatic and then she says, “I’m going to have to tell Jennifer’s father, you know, and he’s not going to take this well.”  Well tell Rico to gas up the lawn mower because it’s time to chase Josh around the house with it like it’s Sabado Giagante!  Ole!

When it’s finally time for the big C-section (ironically not televised on C-span, where I thought all C-sections were shown) the whole family gets to go to the hospital, including Josh, even though Jennifer’s parents look like they’re all walking to a funeral.  Here’s the thing, they can’t be that pissed off at all of this as they’ve agreed to be on a reality show.  You know what I mean?  Anychurrosychocolate, after Jennifer has the male Olsen Twins, it’s time to decide what their last name will be.  Back to the telenovela.  As the nurse comes in to fill out the paperwork, Jennifer’s parents sit out in the waiting room and cry over the fact that Jennifer is going to have the twins have Josh’s last name.  I mean, in her defense he is the actual father, but I do get where they’re coming from as the likelihood that these two make it even by the end of this crapisode is slim to none.

John continues to show is douche-like traits from here on out when Jennifer calls her mother to see if they can stay with them once they leave the hospital and Josh is throwing in his two cents while she is on speaker phone.  The mother starts yelling at Josh and then Josh starts yelling at the mother and so forth and so on.  Also, and so on.  He thinks that Jennifer’s parents are trying to control her.  Um, ya think?  She’s god-damn 16 years old, of course they’re trying to control her.  That’s what parents do.  It’s called parenting.   This kid is a goon.  At least one good thing came out of it…Jennifer started doing the Farrah Ugly Cry and, well, that’s always worth while.

Jenny from the Block ends up extending an olive brand an allows both Jennifer and Josh to stay with them, which is actually nice.  I mean, it also means she’ll get more camera time so, well, ulterior motives.  With the excitement of a new baby, many people from Jennifer’s family end up coming to the house to visit them and Josh gets pissed off that so many people are there and ends up leaving.  Sure, he has the right the be pissed the her family is coming to visit them at her house.  Yeah, that makes sense.  Pipe down, you animal.  Josh thinks that if her parents had any respect for them they would have kept the rest of the family away from them.  Yeah, that makes sense Ike.  You know what Ike?  I think you bet, you bet, you better take five Ike.

So basically Josh peaced out of the house after the first day and never came back again.  That’s nice.  At least he’s not on national TV and we all know that he looks like a deadbeat dad or anything. Oh, wait, we can see him on this television box?  Ohhhh.  Days later,  Josh comes to pick up Jennifer and the twins but will only do so if her parents aren’t home.  Aaaaand this is where is starts to get real interesting.

Once they’re in the car, Jennifer’s mother calls her and they’re chatting on the phone for a few seconds.  Josh is telling her to hang up the phone because it’s disrespectful.  Once she hangs up he asks her if her mom still wipes her a** for her and a fight ensues.  He ends up calling her a b*tch and then she says that “she’s done” with their relationship and then, well then, he starts speeding up the road like a bat our of Haiti.  At one point he’s trying to cover her mouth while she’s yelling so you totally know they’re going to be showing a “loveisrespect.org” domestic violence disclaimer once we head into commercial break.  I like to call it the “Amber/Gary Shout Out.”  Anyway, Josh is trying to tell her that she can get out of the car and he’s keeping the kids.  Sure, that makes sense.  They pull over and she starts to get out so she can take the twins out of the car and, with her door open, he speeds off with the twins still in the car up the highway and with Jennifer on the side of the road.  She’s yelling something about him going to jail and how this is “what they call” kidnapping.  I found myself saying out loud, “Oh baby, he can’t hear you.  He’s up the f’n street.”

Moments later after she calls her mom to come and get her, Josh shows back up for another round of Ike and AnnaMae.  When she tries to open the back door to get her kids he starts to drive away again. I have to admit, I love that game when someone tries to open the door. It’s good fun.  Anyway, things get physical and he lifts her away from the car and kind of tosses her out of the way.  She freaks the F out because, you know, she just had a C-section and it hurt like hell so after she hits him in the face (a la Amber) she decides to call the police.  This pisses him off even more and he is slamming (and I mean slamming) the car doors as he’s taking the kids out of the car.  Then he just kind of hangs out until the police come, which is kind of awkward.  He should have made a run for the Mexican border or something.

Suddenly, Jennifer’s mother shows up and he picks a fight with her and she snaps back at him.  However, when Jennifer tells her mother that he threw her out of the car she screams “He What?!” and then she starts to charge at him but stops and decides to call Rico.  Then the police come (with Josh’s parents in the background…yeah, we see you) and arrest him.  Good.  Trash box.  The only thing missing from all of this was Rico.  Where in the hell was Rico?  I was waiting for him to show up and turn into the Incredible Hulk.  I have to admit the fact that he wasn’t there was kind of a let down. I personally would like to have coffee with the following people:  Jenny, Rico, Janet, Suzi, Barb, Debra, April, Butch, Tyler’s mom (I forget her name….Kim?), and the “Rumble in the Jungle” grandmother.  And by “coffee” I mean, “knock over a 7-11 with.” These people are the best and, in most cases, better than the actual “stars” of the show.

In the end, I think we’re seeing something that makes sense for the first time ever on 16 and Pregnant.  Jennifer decides she wants nothing to do with Josh and won’t accept his calls.  Wow.  I was waiting for her to be like, “I miss him.  I’m going to give him another chance.”  Good for her.  Her mother is still all fired up and says, “I was besides myselfs.”  I laughed.  I love it.

Overall this was a decent crapisode, but was totally saved in the last 15 minutes.  I would have preferred about 30 minutes of that last scene and only 2 minutes of the C-section.  See how that works, editors?  And, not for nothing, but I’m glad that Josh looks like a complete maniac on national television.  Start treating women with respect you garbage heap.

Want to fight for custody with me?  Join me on my Facebook page and let’s drive away on the highway together!


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