16 and Pregnant Recap: Assault with a Ripe Banana

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Awwww sookie sookie!  It’s finally time for a little 16 & Pregnant beat down.  It’s a shame that more beatings didn’t take place during the season as it wouldn’t have sucked so bad (like Barb when she forgets her Polydent – hey oh!).  Needless to say I only enjoy watching reality shows where people just beat the bag out of each other.  If they’re from New Jersey, all the better, but I’m fine no matter where they’re from as long as assault is taking place.  Does that make me a bad person?  Yes.  Do I have serious mental problems?  Yes.  Am I heartless?  Yes.  Do I think McGruff the Crime Dog didn’t get the respect he fully deserved?  You know it.

In the season finale of “How ‘Bout I Shoot a Baby Out of My Cooch for my Quinceanera?” we get to meet Allie.  The good news is that she’s originally from New Jersey so we know she has some fight in her, especially because her boyfriend Joey’s mother, Yolanda, is ready to throw down on the regular.  We go through all the normal motions of I’m 16…blah blah blah…I forgot to take my birth control for a few days…blah blah blah…I thought you shot blanks…blah blah blah and so forth and so on.  Oh, and so forth.  Let’s get to the fun part which is, of course, Yolanda.

Yolanda is a gift from sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary because, get this, not only was Yolanda on drug she still is on drugs.  Jackpot!  And, to top things off, not only does she have the Ye Old Teenage Mother obligatory puffy leather couch, but she also has a single puffy leather chair directly next to it.  For those of you playing at home…BINGO!  Yolanda is a hot a mess with bucky-beavers in her mouth, plus she has the same name as Selena’s killer so you know she’s up for a good time.  No one, including the grandmother who may or may not be only 45 years old, is afraid to talk about how Yolanda has an anger problem and because she’s on “the drugs” she has people showing up to the house in the middle of the night at 2 and 3 in the morning.  Um, why is this not on camera?  So rude.  You can’t just tease us with drug induced booty calls and then not show us any footage.  I mean, the least they could do is draw the scenes with stick figures on the notepad paper.  Geesh.  What a world.

Allie and Joey hate living with Yolanda because, you know, she can murder them at a moments notice but they’re stuck there for now because the grandmother, whose name I believe is something like Mount Saint Helena or some junk, lives in a small little apartment in Pasadena and she can’t fit all of them with her.  Really?  You can’t even fit Joey?  But he’s so petite!  Couldn’t you fold him up like Flat Stanley?  Even though they can’t live with la abuela she does call a family meeting to discuss future plans.  This is great because Yolanda is pretty much on a meth binge at the dinner table and is spewing nonsense about how unsafe daycare is and how she can’t believe they’re going to put the baby in daycare.  I’m almost certain I saw the grandmother take all the sharp utensils off the table at this point.  Granny thinks that daycare is perfectly fine these days because “now they all have cameras.”  That’s nice.  It will be great to see the playback of the daycare workers neglecting your baby as they throw dice in the back alley.

Well buckle up kids because it’s now time for scene we’ve all been waiting for!  I tried to shoot my DVR up with Pitocin earlier in hopes that it would speed things up so we could get right to the fight but, alas, my DVR is sans vagina.  Although with the amount of Real Housewives episodes on it I’m pretty sure it is with vag.  Anygentlemengreeters, I can’t even begin to express how much this scene filled me with such a zest for life that I hadn’t felt since Jenelle was pushing Barb out of her room over a wireless router.  What makes this scene better, however, is that it pretty much all takes place because of a banana throwing incident.  Apparently the mother wanted a banana and Allie tossed it to Joey and, well, that’s enough to start wars in some countries.  The mother loses her sh*t.  She, literally, goes bananas (bonus points for puns).  There was so much sensory overload for me in this scene that I actually watched it once (live), watched it a second time to try and understand half the words that the mother was saying, watched it a third time to make sure that my eyes weren’t deceiving me with the “decorations” around the la abuela’s house, and then watched it a fourth time to confirm this wasn’t an episode of the Bad Girls Club.  Where was the chick who used to just bang pans together?  I was seeing if she was hiding in the background like an adult version of “Where’s Waldo” or “Donde Esta el Waldo” as some people in some places like to call it.  Ole!

Yolanda is the worst…and the best at the same time.  Ever.  She not only throws it in Allie’s face that her own family doesn’t want her, but she calls her a b*tch, tells her she doesn’t care if she’s pregnant because she’ll beat her a**, and also tells her son that she wishes she had an abortion.  What’s worse than all those insults?  Good question.  Well, I’ve got the answer.  What’s worse is that she’s doing all this with two different color scrunchies in her hair.  And the white one looks like it has “ring around the tub.”  What had me squealing with delight was while all this was taking place she always held on to that God-damn banana.  Although, I do think she threw some of it at Allie, but then she picked it back up and held on for dear life.  Oh, and what was up with the “diplomas” framed and hanging on the wall?  If this was “Pop Up Video” a little bubble would have popped up next to it that just simply said, “Really?”  I think even the banana was giving it the side-eye.  Let’s just be clear, no one graduated from anywhere.

Seriously, this is like Sophie’s Choice with trying to choose my favorite part!  I think, however, out of everything that happened my favorite part was actually an overall theme.  The theme, you ask?  The theme is that Yolanda is legit having an argument with someone who isn’t saying a word.  At one point she just starts screaming, “Yeah I’m a dope fiend, so what?  At least I see my kids.  What?  What!  What?”  I was yelling at my screen, “Hey cracky Allie isn’t even saying anything, but I really like where you’re going with this.”  Then she just starts talking rag-time-bull-sh*t by saying, “What’s your parents problem?  They don’t even do drugs and they don’t want to see you!”  Pow right in the kisser (Pow right in the kisser.  Pow right in the kisser.  Pow right in the kisser.  Pow right in the kisser).  So many great statements.  I might even start using some of them on the regular like, “Yeah I’m a dope fiend…jealous?

I mean this wasn’t all laughing and high-fives (although, spoiler alert, that’s pretty much all I was doing) because the two kids end up shedding a few tears after Mommy Dearest tells them that she’s dead to them and then she leaves the run-down apartment complex/chic crack den.  I wish I had their phone number because I would immediately call them and be like, “Dry those tears, youngins, because that scene probably just booked you a few covers on US Weekly and may have just sealed your ticket to Teen Mom season 4 (or whichever season they’ll be on next).  So spit shine the churros y chocolate stand because y’all got some celebrating to do!”

After the dust settles a week later they head back to Yolanda’s meth lab to pack up their stuff so they can live with la abuela, who is nice enough to commit to them for a year.  Yolanda is as sweet as can be when they arrive to collect their belongings.  I’m kidding.  She was horrible.  Joey had some relatives help him move out his stuff, including some nasty mattress that I’m guessing houses bed bugs.  I was praying that we’d see someone carrying out the puffy leather but I guess the real “poors” need to keep it in their drug den.  Also, how come none of his relatives look alike?  I have a feeling he just picked up a couple of people on the side of the road holding cardboard signs (plainly decorated) and promised them a chance to be on a television show.

All whilst this is going on Yolanda is screaming at Allie and throwing it in her face that her own parents sleep well because they don’t care about her.  This got me to thinking about her parents.  What’s their deal?  So the father moved to Texas but then threw her out of the house because she’s growing a human inside of her and, well, the mother is only available via text message and occasional phone call? I’m so curious to see what she looks like because she appears to me to be like Suzi (Kail’s mom) on a bender and, well, I’m jealous.  She keeps telling Allie that she can come home to New Jersey any time she wants.  Well that’s nice of her.  I mean, it’s also “the law” but whatever.

It’s time to play “You Know Your Too Young to Have a Baby When….”  This will be similar to other episodes, but apparently it’s an epidemic.  So, you know you’re too young to have a baby when you’re still going trick-or-treating when it’s still light out and you have your stomach exposed and painted like a giant pumpkin.  Personally I think they should have dressed up as “overachievers” but I don’t quite know if they could have pulled that one off.  Or, they could have dressed up as the cops and then rang Yolanda’s doorbell.  The amount of drugs that would be flushed down the toilet as soon as the bell rang would be priceless.  And I’m sure it would put about 5 people of out of work.

Dear God this episode is 90 minutes.  No me gusta when they do this.  Let’s speed things up.  Even though Allie can have the baby naturally, the doctor decides to induce her because apparently it’s all the rage with “the kids” these days.  The good news is that now that she has her induction (is that a word?) scheduled her mom will be able to fly to Texas in time.  Uh, the bad news is that her mom actually won’t be able to make it after all and won’t show up until about 2-3 weeks after the baby is born.  Seriously, why wasn’t that conversation via Skype?  I need to see her and I need to see her now.  She says she can’t get off work which is code for “I’m taking it in all three holes at a previously rescheduled gang bang this weekend.”  Come on you know you were thinking it too.  Oh, you weren’t?  I should see a therapist.

Meanwhile, even though Allie vowed to never have Yolanda in the delivery room things may be changing because Yolanda has invited them over to her “house” for a surprise she needs to tell them.  As you could have guessed, Yolanda has decided to go to detox followed by a stint in a 30 day rehab facility since she’s (shocker) been doing drugs for 10 years and her “body is tired.”  Her face is kind of tired too, although those scrunchies do bring it a bit to life.  At first I said “Booooooo” to rehab as she will instantly be less fun at parties and much less interesting to watch on this show.  But since I’m always about the silver-lining I’m thinking this is a good thing because it really increases the chances that she’ll run into Butch in “the ‘hab” and perhaps they’ll have a fling, she’ll get pregnant, and then there will be another little Butch running around…then we all win!

Anyjunkee, presto chango!  After 30 days Yolanda is back from “the ‘hab” has kicked “da drugs” and is about 10 pounds heavier and with a face-full of makeup on.  She looks less like Selena’s killer so that’s disappointing.  But we don’t have time to get into details because it’s time for Allie to get induced.  Hooray for Pitocin!  I think it’s safe to assume that at this point in the season we could all deliver a baby so I’ll be adding that bullet point to my resume:  “Proficient in dispensing Pitocin and efficient in delivering babies.”  I have the best background ever!  Back to the show.  Allie is dilated to 50 and is screaming and squirming all over the hospital bed and everyone is just staring at her like they think she has rabies.  No joke, they’re all whispering about her but no one will even hold her hand or ask her if she’s alright…or acknowledge her.  Yolanda did look, however, like she wanted to poke her with a stick like you do to a bear at the zoo.  You do that, right?  Riiiight?  After 12 hours of labor she finally had her baby boy and named him something where they made up the spelling.  This is why there are so many kids out there named “Nevaeh.”  Teen parents.  Hmmph.  Oh, and for some reason her mom’s first congratulations text message was, “Get him circumsized.”  Yeah, not creepy at all.

After 3 days in el hospital, Allie finally gets to go home.  All the normal crap happens after that like the baby cries, Allie doesn’t sleep, and Joey doesn’t really help.  Yawn.  Literally.  What the F time is it?  It’s about 50 minutes past my bedtime.  See how getting pregnant at 16 can hurt other people?  Where was I?  Ah yes.  The fun starts up again because after 3 weeks Allie’s mom is actually coming to visit her and, well, she didn’t disappoint!  Allie met her at the airport and at first glance I just thought it was really Yolanda with a fright wig and an Ed Hardy hat.  She’s a real treat because she’s skittish like Suzi, as drugged out as Paula Abdul during seasons 2 through 6 of American Idol, and has that dumb baby voice that LaToya Jackson is still trying to make happen.  Seriously, what’s her deal?

Allie’s mom is staying with them for the weekend and is acting like she’s now best friends with the grandmother and Yolanda.  At one point she tells Allie that she thinks Joey’s family is so sweet.  Really?  Because we heard your conversation when you wanted Allie to come home because Yolanda was having a drug fit.  Regardless, Allie’s mom still wants her to come back to New Jersey but she’s not really telling her she has to, which is strange.  Also, she kind of won’t stop moving her arms and shaking.  She’s making me sweat on my neck.  After a few quick days she’s leaving to go back to New Jersey, but here’s the kicker.  She has a black car service come and pick her up to take her to the airport.  Really?  Like all of a sudden she’s the Queen of England?  She must have given a few handies in the dumpster behind Yolanda’s house for transportation money.  One may never know.

Sidenote:  Did Allie actually have Aydenn’s name tattooed on her wrist or was that just written in the same Sharpie that la abuela uses to drawn in her eyebrows?  I need to know this.  Moving on.

In the end after days and days of Joey never really helping out and sending Allie nasty text messages (that really weren’t that bad) Allie decided to move out of Casa de Nana.  Just when I felt that this episode was missing something…BAM…there it was.  Joey actually started to do Farrah’s ugly cry!  And all was right with the world.  No joke, he just kept crying while Allie packed up all her crap. Then it got weird because he put a picture of them in her suitcase and then when she left the house he turned into Mrs Kravitz and was peaking out the door and through the mini-blinds to see where she was going.  He would have had to have followed her up the street because she was legit rolling her suitcase throughout the neighborhood.  Her friend (the girl who had the half-leather-half-suede couch) picked her up and is allowing her to stay with her for a little while.  Allie tells her mom that she’s going to finish high school in Texas and then come home to New Jersey on graduation day.  I’m sure her mom will have moved by that point.

So folks, that wraps up another season of 16 & Pregnant!  Next month we have our favorite original Teen Mom so get ready!  And by “get ready” I of course mean “Join my new “Amber and Gary, the Roseanne and Dan of Our Generation” Facebook Fan page!

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