16 and Pregnant: Pretty, Um, Models?


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So we can all pretty much agree that I just write about Ye Old Teenage Mothers now, right?  That can only mean one thing, it’s time for yet another season of “16 & Pregnant: Season F**king 50.”  No joke, I’m pretty sure this has officially been running longer than MASH now.  For those of you teens too young to know what that means, Google it and, oh, by the way close your legs.

This time around we get to follow the wonderful story of Jordan and her twin sister Jessica.  Let’s all assume that they were cast for their outgoing personalities and happy facial expressions.  I’m kidding.  It’s like they were the stand-ins for Bernie from “Weekend at Bernie’s.”  Jordan and Jessica are, however, real life models…just like Farrah.  Pretty.  But, these two are more than just models, they’re twins and I believe that one of the twins claims she’s six-months older than the other so I’m officially lost at this point. I love when they’re doing the voice-over and they announce that they’re pregnant by saying things like, “I was just trying to finish school and juggle my boyfriend and my sister and be a normal teen, but IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII’m pregnant!” and then the bell sound effect rings.  It’s like, you are?  Really?  I thought this was just a show about the less successful Olsen Twins.  What a surprise.  Que Suerte!

Anykailchin, Jordan is the one who is knocked up within an inch of her life and, well, I’m pretty sure this girl was on last season of 16 and Pregnant, no?  Wasn’t she the chick whose family loved racing cars and they ended up buying a barn for a house for like $500?  Maybe I’m wrong.  All I know is that these two girls have to live with their grandmother because their father divorced their mom about 3 seconds after she pushed out the first twin and then her mom couldn’t handle raising them.  I’m sure their parents are kicking themselves now!  I mean, they could have been the April and Butch of this season and they blew their chances.  Plus, no Us Weekly cover money for them.

Jordan’s sister, Jessica, seems to be very jealous that Jordan spends so much time with her boyfriend Brian.  She’s so upset that she can barely French-braid her sisters hair in half the scenes throughout the episode.  She will, however, still take GED classes with her so that they can experience what it’s life to finish high-school in 25 minutes.  That’s nice of her.  She’ll even throw her a baby shower, which I have to admit, surprised me over the fact that those in attendance were not wearing their pajamas or cut off jean shorts to this event like in most other seasons.  It was kind of a let down that they’re not PWT (poor white trash), but I did find myself saying out loud, “Ahhhh, they’re it is!” when my eyes first caught the puffy leather couches in the living room that the were lounging on.  Between puffy leather couches, missed periods, GED prep, and Pitocin it’s like every episode is a Bingo game and someone just called out B5.  And what the F was up with their bedroom?  It had about 3,000 pictures taped all over the wall.  It was almost like Butch, April, and Barb Evans stalker shrine.

Back to the baby shower.  It wasn’t that bad, although they were playing plenty of games including one where they need to drink out of a baby bottle.  Unless it was filled with bleach, I’m less than interested.  Oh, and here’s how you know that you’re too young to have a baby: You’re too young to have a baby when half of the people in attendance to your baby shower have braces.

And then we get to meet the “baby daddy” as “the kids” say.  His name is Brian and he’s actually not that bad.  He’s not that great either, but let’s just say he’s no Gary or yawning Ryan.  When he first met Jordan at the “local baseball game” he was bragging to all his friends that he was dating a “model.”  Apparently in Missouri, Barbizon is a big deal.  He just wishes that they were waiting to have a baby.  Jordan said she wishes they were waiting 2 more years and Brian corrects her that he wishes they waited more like 7 years.  So it’s time for a quick math lesson at IBBB.  So 2 years would make them, what, like 18 or 19?  That sounds like a good idea.  And although it seems like Brian was the voice of reason, 7 years would only make them 23 or 24.  Good plan.  You wanna know what I was doing at 16 years old?  Fighting with my sister over who could use mom and dads car.  You wanna know what I was doing at 23 or 24 years old?  Fighting with my sister over who could use mom and dads car.

For almost the remainder of the episode we have to deal with Jessica hating Brian and not wanting him living with all of them at their Grandmothers house.  He’s even delaying going to college so he can spend more time with Jordan and the baby once she has him.  Seriously, every high school should force you to watch every episode of 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom because everyone stops their lives to be with each other and 99% of the time it never works out.  Anyjunk, Jordan’s sister and Brian bicker the whole time.  It’s like, enough!  Just have unprotected sex with each other and get it over with.  Now that would be an episode to remember!

The majority of the fighting takes place over the fact that Brian doesn’t want Jessica in the delivery room with him and Jordan because he wants their privacy.  I’m sorry, what?  Here’s the thing…in terms of privacy it’s going to be: Jordan, Brian, the baby, two camera men, one boom mic operator, and “the America.”  So, really, having Jessica in there is really going to be one too many?  This couple better get trashy and get trashy fast because they’re starting to bore me.

Later Jordan finally decides that Jessica can, in fact, be in the delivery room.  If I were Jessica I would have been like, “No thanks, I’ll just watch it on TV.”  The day of the delivery is finally here and that can only mean one thing…you guessed it….Pitocin!  Drink!  And, not for nothing, but that labor looked like a real b*tch and a half.  Jordan was definitely losing her sh*t for sure.  Speaking of which she was asking the doctor if she’ll really end up pooping during the delivery to which the answer is “yes.”  It’s like, you think?  I basically have to poop almost every time I do ab exercises at the gym so I totally feel her pain.

After pushing for 384 hours all while her sister takes 27,000 pictures and Jordan prays for sweet release, she finally pushes out her baby boy Noah.  I have to admit each time the teen mom pushes the baby out I find myself chanting, “Come on a different race!  Come oooooon a different race!”  Just once I want the baby to be different race than the mom and dad because that’s when things get real lively.  But, alas, Noah is white and Brian is cryin’ (see what I did there?  Shout out to Garbage Pail Kids!)  The only thing that was a bit of a let down for me in this scene (besides the race) was the fact that we didn’t get to see the mother puke over the side of the bed. I usually laugh through my nose when that happens so, what can I say, I miss it.  Although, we did get to see her puke on the side of the road on the way to one of the doctors appointments so at least we’ll always have that.

When they have to bring the baby home, as we can expect the baby is crying its head off on the regular.  Here’s the thing, Brian and Jordan actually seem like decent parents.  I mean, Jordan is ready to throw herself into oncoming traffic, but Brian really steps up and doesn’t act like a complete douchenheimer when Jordan is all stressed out with the baby.  Now if this was Amber and Gary all hell would be breaking lose and a TV would be pushed down the stairs.  Damn it I miss those two!

Seriously, can the crying stop?  I’m not kidding I’m about to mute the television.  I don’t know how these guys are doing it because after 5 minutes listening to the baby continuously scream I slammed my ding-a-ling in my laptop.  To make things worse, dead-faced Jessica is doing the UFC  “Ugly Farrah Cry” over the fact that she isn’t a major part of her sisters life anymore.  I actually feel kind of bad over this, but maybe my emotions are all jacked up because the constant baby crying has me not knowing my ass from my elbow.  I mean, when I’m ready to take a Shasta McNasty I’m sure I’ll remember which one is my ass, but still.  It’s like, of course this girl is crying over wanting things to be like they were before …she’s 16!  She shouldn’t have to be 16 yrs old and deal with things like her sister having a baby and her sisters boyfriend living with them.  You wanna know what I was doing at 16 yrs old?  Fighting with my sister over who got to use mom and dads car.  Oh, did I mention that?  Well, yeah that’s what I was up to.  I wasn’t getting anyone pregnant.  I mean, let’s face it, the nuns did a good job of letting you know that if you had sex before marriage that Jesus would kill you and send all your stuffed animals to hell so that starts to do a little damage on your young brain.

In the end, after the baby crying for 27 hours out of a 24 hour day (yes, that much) they finally decide to bring the baby to the doctor to find out of this is normal.  I may not be a doctor or, you know, know anything but my guess is that this is not normal.  Ding! Ding! Ding!  We learn that the baby is crying on the regular because he has acid reflux…just like Ashlee Simpson!  I wonder when he’ll start doing a “ho-down-jig” on SNL?  It’s only a matter of time.  At least they finally figured it out and now they can help the baby not have to deal with that.  I’m sure if they lived where Leah and Corey lived they’d have him on the way to a geneticist.  I dare you to read that word without hearing Leah trying to sound it out.  Geneticist.

So this couple wasn’t the worst, but I am hopeful that the remainder of the season is filled with enough trash bags to make me squeal with delight each and every Tuesday night until it’s time for the original Teen Mom to return.  Although, I have to admit I feel like I almost might be ready for Tween Mom.

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