16 and Pregnant: Jaime’s Dad FTW!

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Don’t waste your time Googling the word “condoms” because it’s time for yet another endless crapisode of “16 & While I Already Know What Pitocin is, I Haven’t Taken My SATs Yet.”  Personally I like that title better.  This time around we get to follow along with Jaime who lives in North Carolina, the hometown of my two favorite people in the whole wide world, Jenelle and Barb Evans!  Where they live actually looks pretty nice…nice tall trees, the mountains in the background, a house not on wheels…you know, nice.  Although what episode wouldn’t be complete without not one puffy leather couch, but two puffy leather couches.  Really, I couldn’t believe it when I saw it right off the bat.  I’m not even joking, I’m pretty sure there’s some correlation between teen mothers and puffy leather couches. And the best part is that it’s definitely the kind of puffy leather couch that not only do I want to stab with a steak knife, but also makes the best sound when crunch wet curls hit against it.  If only Leah was here at a time like this.

We also get to meet Jaime’s bad-boy-baby-daddy.  He’s had his license taken away for being arrested a bunch of times and getting a DUI.  Not only does he look like he’s 11 years old but, and try to follow along with me on this one, remember in those episodes of Tom & Jerry when Tom would be the orchestra conductor and would be trying to catch Tom in all the instruments and he’s be sporting a long tuxedo jacket and a pencil thin mustache?  Yeah, well, Ryan looks like Tom from the orchestra episodes.  I don’t care what you think, I’m dead on.

I always love when “the friends” come over to the knocked up teens home and they sit around and ask questions.  This time, however, it might be my favorite because I’m almost certain they’re filming scenes from Deliverance right on Jaime’s back deck.  And her friend, Brandon (?), is about as bricks as they come.  Actually, they all are.  He asks Jaime, “So how did y’alls knows yous was pregnant?”  And then Jaime answers, “Wells firsts I thoughts its was justs mys bodys going throughs teenage bullcrap.”  Then she reveals, shocker, that she didn’t use birth control or condoms while banging Tom from the Orchestra.  Keep in mind this chick is a straight A student.  And can that kid please stop asking so many dumb questions?!  He’s like, “So are you scared to have the baby in the hospital?” and then he puts his teeth over his lips like he’s embarrassed he just asked.  It’s like, no she’s psyched to shoot a human out of her vag.  I’m sure it’ll tickle.

And there’s something a little “off” about the mother too.  I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it could be because she spells her name with 2 “L’s” and an “E.”  Her name is Aprille.  She kind seems like she may have a little Suzi in her and when Jaime mentioned she spends a lot of time with her boyfriend, Donnie, and has “men trouble” I have a feeling she may be a little bat sh*t crazy.  I hope so, at least.  And how is she affording that house and that white Mercedes?  I know she works in a hospital, but let’s all just assume she’s giving handies in the parking lot after her shifts are over.  Oh, and she wanted Jaime to have an abortion as soon as she told her she was knocked up.  I say good for her for owning that.  I mean, for someone who’s so unsupportive of this whole baby situation it was nice of her to allow a camera crew in her house on the regular.

Tom from the Orchestra missed a bunch of doctor appointments with Jaime, probably because he was busy trying to kill Jerry with piano keys, and so Aprille has to take her to her appointment and, well, she seems pissed.  When the doctor asked if there is anything she is nervous about in terms of having the baby, the one thing that Jaime asks about is stretch marks.  The doctor looked at her like she could “catch distorted nose” and told her she’d just have to deal with it.  If I were the doctor I would have been like, “Are you F’n for real with that question?   You know what?  No epidural for you.  And, in fact, we’re going to sew your gentlemen greeter back together with Big League Chew.  So good luck with that.”

Later, whilst at the state penitentiary school we learn that Jaime doesn’t have a good relationship with her dad and it’s been that way her whole life.  Really.  I’m shocked.  Maybe if her dad was in her life more she wouldn’t be looking for attention and love from men (or cartoon cats) and getting herself in trouble.  But I’m hardly the expert.  I mean, I’ve only seen 1600 episodes of teen mom related shows and this is never a common theme.  Anyway, her two friends in school were awesome, especially after Jaime says that her dad learned about her being pregnant on Myspace.  Yes!  Let’s face it, Myspace is the “puffy leather couch” of the Internet and we all know it.  I’m sure her dad was just about to post glitter pictures of Tinkerbell doing a kick and winking while dollar signs rained down all over her page when he noticed someones comment about her being “with child.”  I bet he took her out of his Top 8 when that happened and sent out a bulletin letting all his friends know how he feels via a quiz.  Maybe none of that happened, but I like to pretend it all did.  I have problems.  Many problems.

This is going to get good because we get to meet Jaime’s absentee dad.  Que Suerte!  And he doesn’t disappoint.  They all decide to meet in the park because, you know, that makes the most sense.  He’s sporting an Aeropostale t-shirt (probably from the Gary fashion line) and has Tony Danza hair circa 1989.  I mean, the way that his hair is providing him with ear muffs all year round is complete genius.  And what a tribute to Uncle Jesse by having a semi mullet in the back.  Here’s the deal with the dad.  How do I say this.  Ok, he’s either a drunk or has multiple learning disabilities.  Now that wasn’t so bad was it?  He looks like he should be married to Leah’s mom and I’m sure at one point he was.  He seems like a complete d-bag especially since he never called Jaime on her birthday or that fact that his new wife just called her Jessie and he didn’t correct her.  He then tells her that his phone works and she can call him if she ever wants to hang out.  What an a-hole.  Dude, she’s your daughter.  You’re the parent.  Why don’t you take some initiative.  If he spent as much energy on growing a relationship with his daughter as he does growing out his sideburns then I think everything would be just fine.  And you can tell I’m mad because I used italics twice.

Later we have the baby shower to experience and it was a complete let down.  No one seemed poor and that really pisses me off.  They played random games and did something with wrapping paper ribbon that I’m still trying to get my mind around.  At one point everyone just kept trying to tie a ribbon around Jaime’s waist.  They should have been all trying to tie the ribbon around Tom from the Orchestra’s nuts so that he wouldn’t get anyone else pregnant…like his mom, who I have to admit was also a complete puzzle to me.  Overall, it was a yawnfest. I miss Bint-Lee.

Well it’s finally time to have the baby!  It’s 4 in the morning and a bunch of Jaime’s friends are randomly sleeping in her living room so that’s interesting, but no one can seem to get a hold of Tom from the Orchestra.  It’s always like a cat and mouse game with them.  Hey-oh!  He did, however, end up showing up 5 hours into her labor.  And then, well, then he gets really weird.  She calls him out on being so late and he comes up with this completely redic excuse about how for the past three nights he couldn’t sleep because he was waiting for her to call and then last night he finally fell sleep and missed her call.  Uh, sure?  He kept looking into the camera the whole time too when we was coming up with that story.  Creepy.  I was like, “Stop looking at me Tom.  The mouse isn’t here!”

It’s been a while since we got to see a teem mom puking during the labor part so I was really happy to see that again this time around.  Although it’s always better when they puke over the side of the bed and not into a potato salad container, but that’s just me.  I like different things apparently.  Something is up with the “pushing” part because the nurses explain how they’re going to use forceps to help guide the baby out and the next thing you know they have some sponge brush and it looks like they’re about to stain her vag with polyurethane.  And then they bring out all sorts of metal instruments, set them up between her legs, but keep telling her that it’s not going inside of her.  Seriously, is she having an alien baby?  This is all freaking me out.  At one point I think I saw a shoe horn!  Is that because he ankles swell and she’ll need help getting her shoes on after she has the baby? Probably.  In the end, however, she ends up having a healthy baby girl and they name her Mya (my love is like whoa).  Oh, and then she kicked Tom from the Orchestra out of the hospital since he’s a lying two-timer.

My favorite part of this whole episode takes place now.  It is, of course, when Tom from the Orchestra comes over to see the baby and he wants to take her home with him for a little while (huh?) and he starts not only doing the ugly cry, but a new type of teen mom cry where he’s actually hyperventilating and only. saying. one. word. in. every. breath.  During the awkward hyperventilation, Jaime’s mom walks in the house and is just looking into the camera with her eyes bugged out like, “Is this b*tch for real?”  And to make all of this even better it all takes place on puffy leather couches!  I love life.  I’m sure this dudes tough guy image may be knocked down a few pegs after this scene.

Things just get more strange as the episode continues.  For example, Jaime gets invited to a Halloween party over at Ryan’s parents house and so she decides to go and when she gets there his mom is dressed up like Wilma from The Flintstones and, well, that’s about it. I scoured the house for other people in costume or just other people in general but it was like no one was there.  I did come across a nice dark brown puffy leather couch.  Score!  Maybe it was a regular couch that was dressing up for Halloween?  I know that’s what I’d do.  Tom from the Orchestra keeps on asking over and over and over again when he can take Mya to stay with him at his parents house and Jaime keeps saying she doesn’t know.  Get a grip.  She should let him take her for 25 minutes and I’m sure after 10 minutes he’ll be ready to give her back.  From an earlier scene he actually said, “I wish I could breast feed, because I’d take her home with me.”  Congratulations, Tom from the Orchestra, you just moved up from a Level I to a Level II sex offender.  Now go and introduce yourself to all your neighbors!

It may have come late in this episode, but it’s time play, “You Know You’re Too Young to Have a Baby When…”  So, you know you’re too young to have a baby when you’re both taking a yellow bus to school.  Seriously, that’s insane.  Apparently her high school has a legit daycare inside of it because girls get knocked the F up on the regular.  What a shame.  Whatever happened to the good old days of shipping these girls off to a special school in another state where they could complete the rest of their classes in shame and isolation?  Oh, that’s not healthy?  Oh.  Anykaillookalike, Jaime learns whilst at school that not only does Tom from the Orchestra have a new girlfriend, but he’s been seeing her for months and that’s why he was late for the delivery.  Ruh-roh!  I mean, we don’t get to see anyone of this actually go down, but MTV did do a pencil sketch of this happening and even drew a thermometer about to burst because, wait for it, Jaime was so mad.  I love literal translations.  And pencil sketches!

After learning about this new information and her friend calling him a douche-bag (good for her) on the porch, Jaime decides that she’s going to go to court and try and get full custody of the baby, which I’m pretty sure she can’t do solely on the fact that he allegedly cheated on her.  But, I mean, what the hell do I care?  In the end she ends up meeting Tom from the Orchestra at that one random park where he thinks he’s going to see the baby, but she ends up Punk’ing him and letting him know that they’re going to court and he’s not going to see the baby.  I’m sure they’ll be using this video as evidence that Jaime may have a little of “Suzi” in her as well.  Personally, I think she’s just trying to create a nice story that can continue on if she makes it onto a new season of Teen Mom.

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