If it’s one thing I can’t get enough of it’s teens who trade extra help math sessions after school for a little ding-a-ling under the bleachers instead. I say that in the least creepy way possible. Too late. This time around we get to know the glorious life of 16 year old Lindsey. She lives in a tiny slot machine in Reno, Nevada with her mother and about 16 of her sisters…none of which look anything alike. Apparently there are lots-o-daddies in the mix, which can always make for a busy and entertaining Father’s Day dinner. I’m almost certain that Lindsey is really Bonnie Hunt and I take comfort in the fact even after her talk show was canceled she’s still making appearances on television. There’s a lot to do in Reno, by the way. It’s the city of big, yet extremely random dreams. Take Lindsey’s for instance. She wants to graduate high-school (dream big) go to college to become a police detective (ok McGruff), and become a professional cage fighter and, of course, a model. It’ll be nice when she can solve her own murder Dateline special about the cage fighting model who got killed behind a casino in Reno. Ann Curry will, of course, do the voiceover work, as she should. As she should.
We cut right to the chase within the first 5 minutes of this educational programming when her friends all sit in a giant gazebo and ask her how she got herself into this disgusting mess. Spoiler Alert: Condoms were not involved. I know. I was as shocked as you were. Lindsey said they used condoms a lot, but one time they didn’t use a condom and she never got pregnant…so she assumed you couldn’t get pregnant then if you didn’t wear a condom. Yeah, because at the the end of the day condoms are purely dick decorations. They’re kinda like the star on top of the Christmas Tree. Look, maybe this chick shouldn’t have gotten an abortion but she should have had a ton of Pop Rocks and Coke and, well, just let the chips fall where they may. I mean, if it can blow a seagulls head off its body, perhaps it could have given her virginity back…if ya know what I mean…because I don’t.
Lindsey’s mom, whose name I believe is something like Long Island Lolita, was all about the abortion. At one point she left a wire hanger and an after dinner mint on her pillow with a Magic 8-Ball next to it. Fine, I made that part up but I think that would have made for some great footage. It seems like everyone is freaked out by this pregnancy because even her boyfriend, Forrest, left her after he found out she was pregnant, but later came around…probably at the same time the camera crew did. I love how this 16 year old kid is named Forrest, and Forrest Gump came out in 1994…you do the math. Let’s just be grateful he was born prior to the Pokemon movie franchise. And I just kept on run-in’.
Whilst Linds Lo is fine with having her baby, whose name will be Aniyah (I know), she really is bummed that she can’t keep cage fighting because she was planning on going pro when she turned 18. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I’ll just pretend it means at 18 you get to beat the bag out of other lesbian’s inside a chain-link fence and not be obligated to wear a mouth guard. Perhaps I’m wrong. Who really cares. She’s not going to give up on cage fighting, however. She’s just going to put in on hold. I think she should jump in the cage a few times now and just see what happens. It’s like an “abortion for the poors.” Cost effective and easy cleanup. Also, I’m gross. She’s staying away from the cage fighting gym (?) because her coach (Diddles McGee) doesn’t know she’s with child and she thinks of him as a father-figure and doesn’t want to disappoint him. Yeah. She probably doesn’t want him thinking the baby is his.
Lindsey goes through all the normal things that a pregnant girl who works at McDonald’s goes through, like pricing out everything she needs for the baby and thinking it’ll only cost $200. Awww that’s cute. I think food stamps are in this chick’s future. And she also struggles with the living situation because she wants to bring up the baby with Forrest as a family but since they’re both only 16 they still live with their parents and, most likely, still have cartoon sheets on their twin beds it’s going to be tough. Let’s just assume that. However, she really thinks that Forrest should get a job because, you know, babies require money. Forrest’s mother, Dora (YES!) doesn’t want Forrest getting a job until after he graduated from high school because she thinks it will just be too much for him. Who cares about any of that. Her name is Dora and this has just turned into the best day of my life. I jumped off my couch, sat Indian-style on my rug in front of my television, and just kept yelling things like, “Where’s Boots? Is Boots’ gonna be on this?” and other favorites like, “Sing ‘I’m the Map.’ Sing it!” and of course I wanted to know where “La Abuela” was hiding. I even took the time to answer Dora’s questions after she asked them, but the odd part was that she didn’t pause to give me a minute to answer them. This Dora is kinda rude and looks beat down, just like Future Dora probably will when Boots jumps ship.
Did anyone notice there seems to be a lot more animated pencil sketches this season? I kinda like it. I’d be ok with a whole crapisode of just pencil sketches. That way they can simply erase the baby from the girl’s stomach or at least draw in a Nuva-Ring or some junk. Either way, Lindsey thought she was going into labor two months early so she and her mom headed to the hospital just to be safe. You kinda know her mom looked like she was holding out a little hope for…well I’ll let your mind imagine what I’m getting at. The hospital ended up giving her a shot to help strengthen the baby’s lungs and make sure she didn’t give birth this early. They sent her home and ordered her to bed rest, which I’m pretty sure Dora is on as well…just not sure why. The whole time Forrest never replied to any of her text messages and never showed up to the hospital. A few days later he ended up reaching out and wanted Lindsey to move in with him and his familia after she has the baby so they can raise the baby together. It’s like a real sleepover! Ole! Boots is totally getting the top bunk.
Later, Lindsey did end up going into labor a little early but gave birth to a healthy baby girl who will most likely end up a teen mom as well and I’m sure I’ll be recapping that. It was a 5 hour labor and looked like it didn’t tickle. Things were going well, until there were some forms that needed to be filled out and her mom freaked the F out about Lindsey wanting to be an adult so she should be filling them out and blah. She ended up tossing the papers Lindsey’s way and telling her to fill them out. I’m sure she wrote a note on one of the forms that said, “Are you sure it’s too late for an abortion? I’ll get the hanger.” But, alas, it is too late. Linds Lo moved in with Forrest and Dora (and the map) in hopes that maybe Swiper would swipe that damn baby. She ended up mending fences with her almost crazy mom and they swung by the cage fighting place (?) to introduce the baby to her coach. Awkward. Lindsey decided that she’s going to get back into cage fighting and practice it 4 days a week…and go to school…and work full time. I’m sure all those plans will work out. Hopefully she can fit in some modeling too. Perhaps she can get into some online webcam modeling…if ya know what I mean.
Want to cage fight me? Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s get to kicking and junk!