Dear Jesus Claus and His Teen Mom Mary, Please Let This Be a Baby Growing Inside Amber and Not Just Traditional FUPA. Amen.

amber-portwood-naked-yuck

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I don’t even have words.  I jest.  Of course I have words.  Many words.  Some grammatically correct, most not.  Anyfup, the drunken skank-a-doodles over at Radar Online have recently posted a (puke) naked photo of (burp) Roseanne Barr Amber Portwood from our beloved Teen Mom series that you may or may not have heard of.  Oh you have?  That’s right.

From her mini Snooki poof to the tattoo of Francis from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure on her protruding stomach one can only think, “Maybe she’s born with it?  Maybe it’s Cracker Barrel.”  If  it’s one thing we’ve learned from Amber it’s that she’s clearly easy, breezy, trashiful and, you know what, I wouldn’t want it any other way.  I could only hope that Barb would pose like this with her trademark blue shirt scantily draped over her “gentlemen greeter.”  I would like to file this under: Additional Prayers to Santa Christ.

Some are saying that this photo proves that Amber is, in fact, pregnant but until I see her crowning I won’t believe it.  It would just be too good.  Maybe it’s a runaway FUPA?  Maybe it’s just the last 10 pounds that she can’t lose even with the cheapest crack that money can buy?  I’m mostly concerned with that illusion that Ambjikistan has lost all her weight in almost every facet of her body, but not in her melon (not to be confused with her melons).  Seriously, she’s like Bonk.

In conclusion the junk monster that sent this photo to Radar has claimed the following glorious statement:

  • “Amber fancies herself an old-fashioned pin-up girl….she posed the way she thought a pin-up would.”

Ah yes, I “fancy” that about Roseanne too.  It’s only a matter of time before the 3-way video comes out with Dan and Crystal.  I’m sure Jackie will be in charge of the camera all whilst Leon throws raw loosemeat sandwiches at them from the Lunch Box.  Oh Landford, what a magical place!

In more conclusion (?) the only thing that may be throwing me off that this is actually Amber is the fact that I’m pretty sure I see a fitted sheet on the bed behind her and, well, all know Amber lives in a sheet-free zone.

Long live Amber!  More! More! More!

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