Vanderpump Rules Recap: When Everyone Gets Suspended Over Sangria

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Therapy Looks Fun:  There’s so much going on in this episode and by that I really mean that Kristen continues her long march towards continuous self destruction.  Before we get to that, however, watching Jax go to “therapy” reminds me of the pain we all went through when The Hills was trying to save itself and started this whole “Heidi and Spencer in Therapy” storyline.  It was entertaining to watch the therapist try not to judge Jax when he talked about the lame tattoo he got of Carmen’s name on his steroid stick arm.  You know she was totally thinking, “I’m supposed to be a professional, but this is like high school counselor bull sh*t.”

Money Oddly Spent:  So it seems like Lisa spent upwards of $1M on importing trees into Pump and turning it into this beautiful garden with candles, flowers and lights in the trees…but then basically put a giant gym sign in huge block letters across the front of the building that said “P U M P.”  It might as well have said “Checks Cashed Here” with only 4 of the letters properly lit.  I’m kidding Lisa, please invite me to live in your home.

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One Of These Things is Not Like the Other:  Is it just me or is Schwartz and Katie the oddest couple ever?  I mean, I know there’s a lid for every pot, but either she has hidden features in her vagiola or he’s a tripod.  The American public demands answers.

I Want Your Job:  Is Stassi’s boyfriend, Patrick (awesome name), technically George Glass or no?  I feel like we haven’t seen him yet and what’s with her apartment she landed sans job?  I jest.  Of course filming this show is her job, but reality television refuses to ever break the 4th wall.  Moreover, when Stassi invited Schwartz and Katie over to take shots in broken mugs I noticed two things (1) Katie’s legs are bigger than Schwartz’s and (2) Was that orange flavored Pedialyte they were mixing with their liquor because, if so, bravo (literally) to them.  Slow-God-Damn-Clap.

Tom’s Just Playing a Joke on Us:  Watching Tom workout with a petite “juniors” black tank top and fitted swim cap is the worst thing you’ll see all week…or in all of your life.  For real I was like he was Maude last week with that fitted knee-length cardigan and this week he’s like famed Olympian swimmer Missy Franklin.  Plus, there isn’t one person living or dead who believes that Tom and Ariana are having sex on the regular.  Unless the words “sex” and “watching makeup hacks on Youtube” are interchangeable?  Plus, Schwartz saying Katie keeps handing out rainchecks for sex is like saying that Kristen doesn’t drink most days away.  Both, allegedly of course.

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What’s the Actual Suspension About?  Is it over stolen sangria?  Because that’s all everyone will keep talking about.  There was even a lame comeback of “Yeah you didn’t steal glasses of sangria…you stole pitchers!”  It’s like watching a comedy tour take place right before my very eyes.

Why You Apparently Need Donald Trump to Fire You:  James isn’t the smartest crumpet in England is he?  Speaking of dumb sh*ts, is England, Great Britain and the UK all the same place or did I just waste my money on three different trips?  Either way, who gets fired from a job and then shows up for work again the next day and argues with the manager that he’s been “working so hard all shift.”  I mean, at the point you’re not so much working a shift as you are volunteering for one.  You’re basically a candy striper.

In “I’m Not Shocked” News:  It’s so odd that Tom isn’t doing so hot in the batting cage.  I figured balls flying towards his face was right up his alley. Hey-oh!

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And When the Cable Company is Sick of Hearing Your Story:  It’s been months since they filmed last season so it only makes sense that Kristen works in some “my insurance and cable bill” storyline so that she can get over to Tom’s apartment and wreak havoc on herself. I’m not even kidding I was confused as to why she’s still paying his cable bill.  Maybe they’re the first couple to ever break up and have cable in the history of forever?  I’m not sure how things work in the city of angels. Either way, there is no doubt in my mind that Kristen didn’t down a couple of shots before she went over to Tom’s to get her cable box (giggity) and “insurance” (huh?) and start crying within minutes.  I couldn’t tell if Ariana looked sad for Kristen or just embarrassed. Moreover, why was Tom putting her clothes in a blue tarp bag and why was this just being done now?  Also, I feel like Kristen’s clothes must smell like Misty 120’s and regret.

I Freaked Over Losing My DVR Once Too:  Tom was very somber when having to give his DVR back to Kristen because he had shows recorded on it he really wanted to keep.  Gather around with your nap mats, boys and girls, because IBBB wants to share a story.  This is actually true.  A few years ago I was moving apartments and by the time I hooked up my cable I noticed that my DVR/Cable Box just wasn’t the same.  It kept freezing.  I was instructed to bring it back to Time Warner and they would give me a new one.  Once I got there I asked if they could transfer over what was saved on my DVR and, sadly, they could not.  I must have had a look on my face because the customer service lady asked me if there was something on there I was upset losing.  To which I replied, in all seriousness, “Yeah the episode of Full House when Papouli died and Michelle Tanner smashed her popsicle stick bird house on the floor.”  She looked at me like I said I was part of the Taliban.  Needless to say they ended up giving me 1 year of Showtime for free and that’s how I got introduced to Homeland.  Circle of life.

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I Actually Felt a Little Bad for Kristen:  And here’s why.  Deep down we’re all a little Kristen, right?   We get crazy, say insane stuff, think the worst things, etc.  But here’s the difference.  We all do it in the privacy of our own heads and we never, ever, say it out loud via our voice.  If we did we’d all be Kristen on the regular and would probably have that constant dry-heave look too.

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