Vanderpump Rules: Katie’s Motorboating Her Way Into America’s Heart

katie-motorboating-dicks-vanderpump-rules

Some people ask me how I can watch Vanderpump Rules every week.  I usually reply with any of the following:

  • You don’t know me!
  • I don’t go to your job at Fashion Bug and knock the clearance rack outta your hands
  • Because the Pilgrims fought for our right to watch television once it was invented in 1987

I suggest you to use any of those reasons for yourself.  Either way, it’s another week of Randerputz Fools and another week of wacky and zany cheating scandals.  I mean, at this point you could basically put the episode on mute and just let the Benny Hill theme song play on one giant loop.

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Apparently the themed rumor of the week is that Katie was caught…are you ready?  No really, are you ready for this?  Katie was caught….I’ll wait….are you ready…Katie was caught “motorboating” some guys dick whilst drunk at “da club.”  Now this would be a similar scene from an old episode of Saved By the Bell if instead of “motorboating” they said “laughing” and instead of “da club” they said “The Max.”  So, same/same.  Honestly I don’t even know what to think of any of this. All I do know is that other countries hate us on the regular and, welp, this certainly doesn’t help.  Although, drunkenly motorboating a strangers junk at “da club” would certainly explain the facial scars that Katie suffers.  Truth be told, between that an her “impeccable” comic timing, she’s the Tina Fey of our generation, clearly.

This rumor really ran rampant throughout the episode even though other things happened, like Schwartz’s stick legs buying a puppy at rescue shelter and Jax getting his bandages removed post nose job.  So, all in all, it was really one giant butched-up episode for the fellas this week.  The only thing that would have made it worse would be if all the guys synced up their cycles this month….or if the other Tom brought back his Mrs. Roper silk flowing bathrobe with Bea Arthur headpiece.  Oh, and if they all sprouted breasts.  But I figured that was just a given and you were all thinking it anyway.

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Meanwhile, as Katie is risking her life getting helicoptered in the face by a stranger at the bar, Stassi is back with longer hair and to help Lisa get styled for her cover shoot for some magazine where she looks the same as always and random bartenders from one of her 3,000 restaurants feed her grapes and look “dead behind the eyes” into the camera.  It’s like a shoot filled with boy Audrina’s.  That’s right folks, a Hills reference circa 2005.  Welcome back and you’re welcome!

Why does Lisa really need a stylist?  I always figured that, like the Jetson’s, she woke up, stepped onto a conveyor belt, and was taken into various rooms where she was just powered with blush from head to toe and thrown into a pink silk bowling shirt with diamonds on the cuffs all whilst Ken fondled Giggy in the back room awaiting sentencing?  Eh, maybe that’s just me.

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Oh and did I mention that everyone who was suspended for the last two weeks is back to work?  And even that British dude that may or may not sexually like Kristen got rehired?  Yeah, not worth really talking about.  It’s like when Heidi would get fired from Bolthouse.  It’s like, we’re smarter than this.  You make $11/hr at Bolthouse and $75K per episode to film the show that you’re on in which you play a character who works at Bolthouse.  So, uh, don’t sweat getting fired.  Anyway, like that.

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By the end of the episode some of the girls were having brunch and Katie was talking about her motorboating rumors and then next thing you know 3 adult males in their 30’s are on tricked out bicycles and meet up with the girls for said brunch to continue to discuss all the rumors.  Jax is, of course, starting with Katie and basically calling her a cheating whore which, ironically, is the Magic Word of the Day here at IBBB!  If I had $1.00 to put into this site confetti would be falling from the top of the screen and the Taco Bell dog would be running across it with a burrito on his head as a hat.  Alas, we’ll have to just deal with the reality of Katie being all bent out of shape of the motorboating scandal in hopes that she’ll one day get to move on and land that job in corporate finance like we all know she will. Oh, plus, I like how she tried to sweep it under the rug by saying, “I wasn’t motorboating his dick, I was tying my shoes.”  Seems legit.   Plus, Schwartz was really fine with all by saying that, if anything, she probably was just blackout drunk and didn’t know what she was doing.  You know what?  I bet he’s totally right.  Fall down drunk always trumps being a cheater.  It’s in the Bible.

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