The Hills Season 5 Preview: Scripted Punches, Scripted Tears, Scripted Hugs. Scripted Scripts.

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So yeah, uh, I’m playing it cool.  I could care less that I just saw the teaser for The Hills Season 5.  Yeah, who cares, right?  That show totally sucks.  Ok, now that that’s over.  I’m completely pumped that The Hills Season 5 is going to start soon and after seeing the ridiculousness that is this preview I am counting down the days until I can recap this crap.  Just from this 2 minute and 18 second clip I’m already pee’ing myself laughing.  Here are just some of my favorite parts, some:

  • Lauren takes her moustache to see a “psychic” and the “psychic” tells Lauren mysterious visions of her being betrayed in the past and how there was someone who took her friend away from her. Wow.  Someone must have spit-shined her crystal ball!  How on earth (Us Weekly and MTV) would this “psychic” ever be able to know these things?!  Seriously, my mom doesn’t even watch The Hills and even she knows about Lauren and Heidi’s past.
  • Lauren’s surprise birthday party was on a yacht and they might as well have lit fireworks around her because when “the douche bag gang” yelled “surprise!” LC almost did stinky-bottoms in her pants.  Either that or they actually yelled “surprised!” when Heidi walked into the floating party.
  • Meanwhile, Steve Sanders faux-flirts with some random skanky bartender who “will always be known as the girl who flirted back at Steve Sanders and his Santa pubes beard.”  Sorry, sweetie, you might as well start etching this onto your tombstone because this is your claim to fame.
  • Heidi flies out to see one of my favorite people in the whole entire world, Darlene “the Ugly Crier Montag in one of my favorite places in the world, Crested “Heidi’s Horse Should be Shot” Butte! Whilst speaking with Darlene I’m pretty sure Heidi is sporting a beret with a giant snowball on her head.
  • Steve Sander and the boyfriend of Sandy Sanders get into a “dance off fight” at the bar.  Steve Sanders is slapping at him like an Italian grandmother chasing her no-good husband around the kitchen table with a slipper in her hand.  Brilliant.
  • Finally, Heidi and Lauren have a cry-off and hug it out (bitch).  While Whitney isn’t on the show anymore, I’m pretty sure she wrote the lines that Heidi is saying while she’s crying to Lauren: My favorite stories are my stories with you. My favorite memories are my memories with you.  She should have finished it with: My favorite table-readings were my table-readings with you.  My favorite cue cards were my cue cards held by you.

Can’t wait for this crap.  Please, please, please don’t let me get a life before the new season starts!

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