The Hills: Little Heidi on the Prairie

Another week of The Hills, another week of complete brain rot. On a very special “The Hills” episode, Heidi brings Steve Standers to meet her family in Colorado and Lauren continues the assault on her liver by drinking her way through the episode. Brilliant. Here’s how it all went down and my thoughts as it happened:
  • Heidi and Steve Sanders go to get her engagement ring sized. Does Heidi ever take a brush to her rats nest of a hairdo? Just checking.
  • Sweet! Justin Bobby is back in action with Audrina (and her teeth) at the beach. Is Justin Bobby in a play? I feel like he always looks like he’s in a play.
  • Audrina, Lauren, and Lo are at a diner and drinking (as always). Why is Lo dressed like Carmen Sandiego? Where in the world is Carmen SandiegLO? Ok, I can’t take full credit for that. My sister actually text-messaged me that as the show was airing. Brilliant.
  • Heidi and Steve Sanders are in Colorado to meet her parents. As much as I make fun of Heidi on a daily and hourly basis, I must say that where her parents live looks awesome. I mean the population is probably about 11 people, but it looks like a postcard. Hopefully, Heidi will go back. Oh, and Heidi’s mother? We’ll get to that in a few minutes.
  • I LOVE seeing Audrina in a helmet. It just feels right. Audrina and Justin Bobby take Justin Bobby’s motorcycle to Brody’s Malibu Beach BBQ. Seriously, it’s like one of those beach movies from the 60’s with Annette Funiello.
  • Did Lo get a nose job? I must investigate.
  • The crew is playing in the water and Audrina’s ass and teeth are all over the place. Awesome. Uh-oh Brody think he broke is finger playing football with Lauren.
  • Back to Heidi and fam. Heidi insults her dad in the worst way possible. She basically tells him that Steve Sanders is just like her dad. Really? What an interesting way to send someone into cardiac arrest.
  • Enter my favorite “Scripted Moment of The Hills Episode.” During lunch Heidi’s dad has “a talk” in private with Steve Sanders. Props to the way that Steve is petting the horse with the back of his hand. Very natural.
  • Oh, by the way if you’re wondering where Heidi got her nose from…..her mom. For sure.
  • Brody is back and he ended up breaking his finger. So, just to be safe they basically put him in a body cast….or a “Brody Cast.”
  • Why does Heidi’s mom keep asking what happened between between her and Lauren? Did she not watch the last 2 seasons of the show that her daughter was in…it’s called “The Hills.” She should check it out. That’s why there are camera’s around you right now as you’re having this conversation with your daughter. Strange.
  • Apparently Heidi’s parents own a restaurant in Colorado. It must cater to the 11 people who live in the town.
  • When Steve Sanders says to Heidi’s parents, “I want Heidi to myself, you don’t share her…” I turn red with embarrassment. I think they should lock Steve Sanders in a room and make him watch that clip over and over and over again.
  • Sweeeeet! Lauren and Audrina are drunk…AGAIN! Insert the “beer tears.” Lauren cries because she’s such a douche that she no longer has any friends except the people who are paid to be on her show. I’d cry too…but then I’d remember how rich I was and I would stop crying. Then I’d grab another drink. Then I’d ask Audrina how many teeth she had.
  • Justin Bobby left Audrina’s helmet on the couch and apparently that’s enough to make Audrina lose her shit and start crying. However the good news is that Audrina continues to smile even while crying. Audrina is always camera-ready.

Time for “The Hills Question of the Night”: Are they setting up this season to have Heidi dump Steve Sanders and become friends with Lauren again? I’m seeing hints of this all over the place. I haven’t gotten my hands on the script yet, but I bet it’s in there.

The Hills: Little Heidi on the Prairie

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