The Hills: Stephen is Back, Pointlessly


Reunited and it feels so good. Hot glue your cheap looking hair extensions to your scalp and grab your red keg cups because it’s Laguna Beach reunion night on The Hills! Stephen Colletti is going to be swinging by the set of The Hills to party it up with LC, Lo, and the rest of the kids. Will LC and Stephen get back together? Uh, how about “no” since they were all on Howard Stern earlier in the day and saying that LC was dating someone now. Thanks for the spoiler. Again, all The Hills kids need to go into hiding in between seasons.

One last thing before I start the recap. Um, so remember how back on Friday, April 18th, I broke some Hills news about Heidi and Spencer and specifically said that Spencer talked about how there was “100% a sex tape?” Notice how yesterday and late last week that came out again on Perez, Us Weekly, Tyra Banks, E! Online, the Ryan Seacrest show, etc? Just a reminder that you IBBB readers read it here FIRST. Moving on. Here’s what down on The Hills:

  • Remember when Mona from “Who’s the Boss” had to live on top of the garage because she had no other place to go? Yeah, well Audrina is the new Mona because she’s living in the guesthouse Kato Kaelin style. Hopefully, she won’t go all OJ and stab the piss out of LC and Lo. Maybe she will, stay tuned.
  • Does Lo know she’s on TV? She’s be so preoccupied with her new nose that she forgot to chisel the shellack out of her rats nest of a hairdo.
  • Hahaha Steve and Sandy Sanders are at the “Central Perk” of the west coast, although there is not one other person in the coffee shop. I like the new set. Anyway, Sandy orders her coffeeish thing and miraculously is handed it about 3 seconds later. Poor Steve Sanders has the flu, which apparently causes him to never blink. Oh, and cue the conversation about Sandy Sanders going to LC’s house-warming party. Blah blah loyalty….blah blah I don’t blink…..blah blah why do we always have different hair styles in every scene. Blah blah.
  • Actually, I think Steve and Sandy Sanders went off the script when Steve tells Sandy that her semi-formal date in high school wasn’t really her boyfriend. They kind of awkwardly smile/laugh and keep on “arguing.” Wasn’t Sandy Sanders locked up during high school for stealing and meth and some shit?
  • Wow for just moving into a house 4 minutes ago, these skanks have the place decorated, painted, and good to go. I know when I move into a place the first thing I do is light my tiki torches. Actually, that’s the second thing I do. The first thing I do is lock my dead in the eyes friend with blindingly white teeth in the guesthouse.
  • The girls are cutting up shit in the kitchen for their party and Lo is doing so in what I can only imagine is her prom dress. She is so formal, especially when pronouncing her words. Last week she said, “cot-ton” and this week she’s doing that weird thing with the letter “t” by calling them “cur-Tins.” I like how she hyphenates for me. Oh yeah, hyphenate…that’s the spot. Huh?
  • Holy editing Batman! Audrina mentions that Justin Bobby is coming to the party and then they just start showing quick shots over everyones face. Lo, the douche that she is, tells Audrina that maybe Justin Bobby will wear his cowboy hat. Next thing you know the edit machine goes haywire and starts showing quick face shots again of Audrina, Lo, and LC. There is silence, except for the chopping, and then the editing machine stops. I was confused by all of this. They are such douche’s to Audrina. That must be the new storyline.
  • LC rules this house with an iron fist. When Lo asks LC about Stephen she tells her to stop and not get all 9th grade on her. Lo better listen or she’s gonna be locked in the guesthouse too along with the rest of the Goonies.
  • Fiesta time. Jarret and Whitney arrive and are shown for literally 2 seconds. That’s all we’ll see of them for the remainder of the show. No joke. They could have just used cardboard cutouts (it’s the same thing with Whitney anyway).
  • Brody shows up with a juicer (because he’s a tool) and his new girlfriend, Cora. Let’s take a minute with Cora. Cora is way hot. She’s way hotter than LC and LC knows it. If I were LC I would have put on all my jewelry, took my boobs out of my shirt, and held up my dads bank account because there is NO WAY she’s competing with Cora. Oh, and maybe LC should take off her name ring because, like the name necklace, those weren’t cool even in 1994.
  • Meanwhile, back at the set of Heidi’s apartment Sandy Sanders talks with Heidi about going to LC’s party. At the end, Sandy decides to not go and watch movies with Heidi. Fun. Maybe they’ll watch the LC sex tape? Or better yet, maybe they’ll watch scenes from The Hills: Season One and try to figure out which one is Heidi since she looks like a different person.
  • Stephen shows up for his paid stint on The Hills and then Justin Bobby walks in moments later with his new haircut. He then apparently goes right into the guesthouse. He probably figured Audrina wasn’t released from the guesthouse for her party. He’s smart like that.
  • The “next day” LC and Sandy Sanders are at school talking about the party. Why the hell does LC ask her if she remembers her high school friend Stephen? Didn’t Sandy Sanders just meet LC last season? Sandy says she doesn’t know who he is. Wait a second, that’s a lie. You know she totally watched Laguna Beach. LC was kinda like, I went to high school with him in Laguna Beach…and it was filmed….for a show….called Laguna Beach….on MTV…and it turned into a spinoff…..called The Hills….which you’re kinda starring in…..right now…..see the camera guys around us……noticed how they follow you……the reason why you have a microphone clipped to you at all times……yeah, that Stephen.
  • Ross and Rachel head out to dinner and they talk about high school and how their parents are all intrigued by what will happen with them together. The pointless date is over and they go home. This was f’n boring. Does Stephen always have a camera in his truck? Maybe it’s left over from Laguna Beach.
  • Seriously, Lo is the worst. She is forever “Lo” from Laguna Beach. I’m embarrassed for her.

Next week on The Hills the girls get a dog and that’s about it. Oh, and they continue being douche bags to Audrina so she may move out. Heidi may go to Vegas for work…for about 3 seconds. Shit, they better start coming up with some new stuff STAT.

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