The Hills Recap: Someone Dust Off Candy Finnigan Because Drunken Holly Montag is Getting the World's Fastest Intervention!

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This week on a very special episode of “The Hills,” Kristin provides mosquito nets to children in third world countries, while Lo decides to donate her salary for the year to a homeless family, and Audrina contemplates enlisting in the US Army. Oh, wait, that didn’t happen. Holly gets buzzed, which everyone thinks is “too drunk” and an intervention is staged, in which no one really shows up for.  A dream come true.  Here’s what else went down last night on “The Hills: Is It Over Yet?”

  • We kick things off with Kristin providing a recap to us all about the fight between Brody and Jayde at his 5-year old surprise party.  It would have been a nice touch if someone from the camera crew threw a water balloon at her face during the story.  Next time.  Kristin is fidgeting all throughout the conversation with LOser, which can only mean one thing to me: Justin Bobby gave Kristin crabs.  What other reason could there be?  LOser remains pointless during this scene, but not as pointless as Stacie the Pointless Bartender (who I’m now stalking on Twitter, so I’ll let ya know how that goes).
  • I love how now when I see Stephanie Pratt I can’t help but to pretend she’s a big drunk in every scene that she’s in, ever since the DUI over the weekend.  Like, when she showed up at Audrina’s house of horror instead of ringing the doorbell it would have been awesome if she crashed her car right through Oddy’s front door.
  • Steph and Oddy are chit-chattin’ like school girls in homeroom about, you guessed it, Justin Bobby and how Audrina must not have been thinking while she was dating him for the past 4-years.  Objection, your honor.  Move to strike.  Audrina hasn’t had the ability to think since the day she was God-damn born.  As a sidenote she also hasn’t had the ability to look down at ants on the ground either, but that’s another story for another time in another place with other people.
  • I tune out a little during this scene because I’m noticing how Audrina has all single pictures of herself behind her in various poses.  Brilliant. 
  • Audrina “reads” the text message that J Bob sent her which consists of: “I cannot believe it’s really over, is it really over, I can’t believe it.” Wow pure poetry from Justin Bobby.  Also that text message is a real tooth-twister for Audrina to say since, you know, she, like a shark, has 3 sets of teeth.
  • Kristin heads home to Laguna Beach and I’m pretty sure when she was driving towards her parents house I saw Cami panhandling for money.  I could tell it was her by the 6-foot gap between her two front teef.  R.I.P Cami, R.I.P.
  • Seriously, the entire scene with Kristin’s dad is pure brilliance.  First off he’s drinking wine and having cheese with his daughter in the middle of the afternoon.  I’m waiting for Chris Hanson from “To Catch a Predator” to pop out from the living room and ask her dad to have a seat.  Second, Kristin’s dad asks Kristin if she’s seen Steven or Lauren at all.  Haha score one point in the “retro” column.  I love how he still thinks she filming Lagina Creek.  He probably thinks she’s been in her bedroom for the past 5 years.  And third, Kristin’s dad takes the role of the “5th bitch” in the show and talks some smack about Brody being obsessed with himself.  The only thing that could have made it better would be if he was braiding Kristin’s hair while “dishing” with the ladies. 
  • Sidenote:  I want to make sex with Kristin’s parents house.  In particular, their outdoor area.  Giggity.
  • Finally the moment we’ve all been waiting for!  Steve Sanders is dressed in his plaid shirt and cowboy hat again, which he wears more like a Milli Vanilli hat than he does a cowboy hat…and Holly is drunky-drunkerson.  Finally some reality in this show.  Let me just say that I don’t think that Holly was bad at all.  I mean, she was drunk, sure, but that’s fine with me.
  • Holly gives sloppy hugs to her sister, which she screams “sister” to in her face and moments later asks the recovering alcoholic (fail) Stephanie if she wants a drink.  Holly asks it, but doesn’t stick around for the answer.  She’s like “I’m buying” and then sprints to the bathroom. 
  • Later Holly does a shot of tequila, apparently by herself.  I mean this is really a problem.  A big problem.  I mean, a young girl having fun at a party?  Send her to Promises Rehab immediately.
  • By the way, this high-end Brent Bolthouse party is being attended by Tom Green, so, yeah, not so high end.  More to come on this later.
  • Holly later is doing karate chop dance moves to Steve Sanders friend, Charlie, and then tells him that “every single second of my life is the best moment of my life.”  Slap that on a Hallmark card and I think we’ve got a best seller. Later she tells Brent Crackhouse about some painting she wants to buy.  Honestly, this whole scene was edited within an inch of its life.  Hmmm, maybe everyone was trashed in every episode of every season of the show and that’s why they edit it?
  • The party scene ends with the best scene all season….Holly Montag dancing.  Drunk dancing.  Interpretive dancing.  Drunk Interpretive Dancing.  While it all becomes very Lady Gaga, Holly has some original moves of her own.  For example:  Riding Santa’s Sleigh, Washing the Windows, Robot With Turrets, Fan My Farts, and Snakes in the Air.  Like the children I don’t have, I love all of Holly’s dance moves equally.
  • Pre-Intervention:  Steph and Heidi begin the pre-intervention at lunch.  Heidi doesn’t seem to understand what “drunk” really is, as Steph says that Holly was out of control to which Heidi responds, “She just had too much to drink.”  Uh, yeah, that takes cares of the “out of control” part.  Stephanie also informs the viewing audience that every time they go out, Holly gets kicked out wherever they are.  Heidi, who is apparently still thinking about chasing seagulls on the beach, doesn’t know if she should say anything to Holly because “she’s hesitant.”  So basically Heidi is putting more thought into this situation than she did when she signed up for a new nose, chin, boobs, and hair.  Interesting.
  • J Bob broke into Kristin’s Malibu beach house to cook her dinner.  Why they’re playing “She-Wolf” right now is beyond me. Boring.
  • Audrina goes on her “date” with Justin’s best friend.  The only good thing that came out of this is when her date asks her if she’s in “deep thought.”  You totally know that she was just trying to figure out what day it was and how old she was.  Fail.
  • Audrina’s teeth would be perfect for eating artichokes.  That’ll be all.
  • It’s time for the quickest and most effective Intervention ever.   Heidi and Steve Sanders meet Holly at a Mexican restaurant, to which Holly already orders a Margarita.  Woooo-hooooo!  Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay! Let the games begin!  Seriously, I want to be able to drink at my intervention (remember that).  Holly tells us that when it’s an “occasion” she feels like she can have a few drinks.  You know, like a Wednesday afternoon for example….or Flag Day!
  • The Intervention takes a left turn when Heidi and Steve Sanders start talking about how this will effect Holly’s business.  Her business?  Which is……?  Steve Sanders actually says, “This was Brent Bolthouse’s most influential crowd…..”  Yeah, uh, we all saw Tom Green there.  Very influential.  I guess if Holly EVER wants to get her own Canadian podcasting show she better not piss off Tom Green.  Heidi chimes in again that someone will say, “I don’t want to do business with you.  I saw you” to which Steve Sanders chimes in “do a danceoff.”  Don’t listen to them, Holly.  I’ve closed more deals by doing a danceoff than I did sitting in a boardroom and that’s a fact!  Also, everyone likes a drunk.
  • Well that was the fastest and most effective intervention.  Just to sum it up, it basically went like this: Holly you should stop drinking.  (Holly) You’re right, I will.  End scene.
  • Blah back to Audrina and Justin Bobby.  They meet up on the roof, which I’m hoping they’ll play “murder-suicide” on.  They don’t.  Ugh.  I never get what I want.  Anyway, J Bob tells Oddy that there will never be anyone better than Audrina Patridge.  Well that must have worked because Oddy agreed to not date J Bob’s friend anymore.  Audrina seems like the type of girl who will go into work explaining that J Bob socked her in the eye, but he had every right to do it because she did, indeed, burn the roast the night before. 
  • Someone please give me an intervention about this show!

Next week, Holly drinks more.  Ay! Ay! Ay! Arriba! Arriba!

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