The Hills Recap: It All Began With Water Balloons in Heidi’s Bra

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The. Hills. Is. Back.  Slap your Momma in the face and shake the booze out of your Daddy’s broken hand because it’s going to be a season to end all seasons.  Literally.  Since this is the last season (wink wink, we ai-not fallin’ for it, MTV) we will hopefully get the answers to all the questions that have been tormenting us all these previous seasons.  Questions like, “When did Lo get here?” and “Come on, Enzo really was just Danny Devito the whole time, wasn’t he?” and the (spoiler alert) fact that Audrina isn’t looking up at the sky at all times for no reason…she’s working a side job with the FAA to make sure our skies stay safe.  Anyway, during last seasons hiatus I came up with the 10 Ways to Save The Hills, let’s see if they took my advice. So walk with me, talk raspy with me, drink during every episode with me as we experience a little show that I like to call “The Hills.”  Here’s what went down last night…

  • Well.  There you go.  In the first 14 seconds Stephanie Pratt lets us know that she just got back from an AA meeting, she’s just 23, and she’s been to jail twice. Yeah, no, when Lo said, “How are you?” that was just a rhetorical question.  However the alcoholism is cured like a ham on Easter and we can get down the the real business.  Heidi’s plastic surgery rumors.  Lo fills in Steph about Heidi and her new face.  As she lists off all the procedures Steph looks like she’s trying to do the math on a bill that’s being split by 10 people when 3 of those people didn’t drink, but did get dessert.  I get it, it’s confusing.  They are both stumped, however, on Heidi’s “butt job.”  Lo is making hand gestures like she’s squeezing boobs and, well, this is enough for me.  Roll the credits.
  • Sidenote, the new opening credits are awesome.  They show all the cast members “before and after” through the years.  We can all laugh at Heidi, as she looks like an IKEA TV stand, but let’s not forget about the work that Lo and Audrina had done too.  There should be one scene of just all their old noses…like a bucket of noses.  Like, I want to see a bucket of nose on the screen for 15 seconds while Natasha Bedingfield sings “…feel the rain on your skin.”  Deal, MTV?  I said, deal?  Deal?  Noses?  Buckets?  Buckets of noses?  Call me.
  • We’re now at Casa de Chin to see Steve Sanders/Spencer’s new blown out perm and Santa Pubes beard as Heidi packs up her clothes as she’s a takin’ a trip to f*ck her horse and see her mom in Crested Butte.  You know as soon as she gets there that horse is going to take one look at the Montag Monster and say, “Bitch stole my look!”  I mean, the horse will also “nay” but it will also say that.  Anyway, as Heidi packs the camera will not show her face at all.  I kinda like it.  Then I realize that they’re just trying to build up the suspence(r), as if anyone on planet earth missed the “Heidi Montag Hey Check Out My 10 Surgeries 2010 World Tour Palooza,” sponsored by Goya.  Ole!
  • Seriously does it ever not snow in Crested Butte?  It’s like watching a snow globe that never stops shaking.  Heidi shows up to visit her mom with HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag.  Holly and Heidi are like the new Doublemint Twins, if one Doublemint Twin was Ethel Mertz and the other Doublemint Twin was Rocky Dennis.
  • When Darlene Montag (of the Crested Butte Montag’s) opens the door and sees Heidi for the first time you can see from the look on her face that she immediately regretted not drinking alcohol during her pregnancy with Heidi.  Also, she doesn’t acknowledge Holly, which explains why Holly likes the bottle.  See?  You learn here at IBBB.
  • As Darlene chokes back tears she tells Heidi she looks awkward and weird. Honestly, I would have told her she looks like the rotting corpse of Anna Nicole Smith, but I guess Dar Dar has a little more tact than me.
  • Darlene asks really good questions like, “Are your eyebrows going to eventually fall?”  Brilliant.  Heidi explains that they won’t and that even though she had so many surgeries she wasn’t risking her life because “people have brain surgery every day.”  Now see, that is one surgery I would have supported for Heidi.  A nice brain surgery.  Just slice her head open and start poking pointy objects at her brain, sew her back up, and let’s see what happens, yeah?
  • Heidi doesn’t know why all of this is a shock to her mother as she takes us all on a creepy stroll down memory lane when Heidi used to put water balloons in her bra when she was little so it looked like she had bigger boobs.  Really?  And where the hell did she go with her water balloon chest?  Our Lady of the Crested Butte for the Sunday morning children’s Spanish guitar mass?  Water balloons in the bra is like the oldest zany themed episode of Three’s Company that there was.
  • Moments later, Heidi looks her mother in the busted face and says, “Are you telling me I don’t look good.” I mean, I’m pretty sure you could even hear the camera guy and the boom mic operator snickering.  Darlene tells Heidi to “Rephrase the question,” but I would have told Heidi I’d rather take the Physical Challenge and then I’d start picking peanut butter out of Holly’s nose in hopes of finding the flag that would win me the all expense paid trip to Disney World so that I could get the hell out of this embarrassing situation.
  • Darlene tells Heidi (and the world) that she thought she looked fresher and more beautiful before.  She also tells Heidi that she hopes that “eventually some of this just fades away.”  Uh, Darlene?  Yeah, her old nose and old chin aren’t going to magically reappear again and, well, you can put away the balloons and shut off the garden hose because Heidi’s new boobs are here to stay.  Eh, maybe toss a water balloon or two to Holly.  Just sayin’.
  • Meanwhile, the rest of the gang are in Miami soaking up the sun, quickly perusing the latest script, and getting ready for a fun filled Super Bowl party and probably not any drama or drug rumors at all.  Yeah, definitely not any Kristin Cavallari drug rumors.  Nope.
  • Of course while out at the Maxim Party they are going to show Kristin getting completely trashed and making all weird faces because, well, that’s what you do when you also do drugs, right?  Seriously, this is so set up, but I have to admit that I kinda believe that Kristin really does dabble in “the drugs.”  We’ll see.  Oh, and they’re already pulling that whole “Audrina is flirting with Brody and Kristin is getting jealous” made up story.  Don’t care.  Won’t write about it.  Show me more Montag face, stat!
  • The next morning as the girls are sitting around talking about the night before everyone is tired and banged up.  But no one is more banged up than Kristin.  And when she says that she didn’t get home until 5am, some of the girls gasp like Kristin said to them that she had an abortion on Ocean Drive while Brody fed her cotton candy and Frankie Delgado danced in a tutu.
  • I can barely understand one word Kristin is saying at this point.  Her voice is so raspy and jacked up right now that it sounds like she’s gargling dicks.
  • Back in snowy Butte, Heidi and the fam go out for some dinner.  As they toast Heidi and her new face, Heidi’s step-dad tells her that she looks “tighter” and “frozen.”  Pedophile alert.  I’m sure we’ll be hearing those same words used during the deposition, you filthy kid-touchin’ perv!  I kid.
  • Towards the end of dinner Darlene makes a joke about blending up Heidi’s burger for her and then says, “I know, it’s going too far.”  No it isn’t Darlene!  It’s not going far enough.  I would have been like, “Instead of a doggie bag, see if the waiter can pack up your leftovers and put them in your scooped out back.  That’s why you did that, right?  Riiight?”  The weird part is that when Darlene said that Heidi’s eyes started to fill up and you could see that she started to get up from the table, but they never showed the rest of it.  Why?  I want answers, damn it.  I felt like that was a real moment and I know the producers of The Hills have a “no real moments” clause in their contract, but still it would have been nice to see that scene through to the end.  Also, kill me.
  • Lo, Steph, and Audrina are sitting around and waiting for Kristin to show up so they could hang out in the hotel and have a few drinks.  You know they’re buying camera time when Audrina says, “This was supposed to be a girls weekend…and to get to know each other…”  Uh, Audrina?  My little love lamb, you do already know these girls.  You’ve filmed a couple seasons with them.  You’re on a show?  It’s called “The Hills.”  That’s why those cameras are there and why you have rug burns on your knees. You know, so you could come back for another season?  Get caught up, stupid.
  • Anyway, the girls are trying to figure out why Kristin is standing them up and there is only one answer.  Drugs.  No, really.  Drugs.  That’s their theory.  Don’t be surprised if we see McGruff the Crime Dog popping out of Stephanie’s suitcase because I smell an intervention!
  • Kristin “disses” the girls and gets sloppy drunk with Stacie the Pointless Bartender (who was nice to see again) and the next morning the girls have to wake Kristin up to get to the airport.  Seriously, they knock on her door and then bust into her room like they’re filming an episode of Cops.  As they wake Kristin up, a bunch of random people jump out of her bed and scatter around the room and out the door like an 18 Wheeler filled with illegal aliens crossing the Mexican boarder.
  • As Kristin gets “ready” to leave the girls wait in the other room and start talking crap about Kristin and how she’s cracked out.  Kristin overhears this and confronts Lo and crew about their whispering and they tell Kristin there are rumors that she’s on drugs, and she’s wearing sunglasses right now, and her legs are really skinny.  All signs pointing to drug use, if you ask me.  Here’s the thing.  The only reason why I kind of believe this confrontation is because Lo kinda looks towards the cameras and then at Kristin and says, “Do you really want me to say this right now?” like she’s letting her know that the cameras are there, etc.  However, Kristin says to tell her and that’s when the mini drug intervention takes place.
  • The girls leave for their 4:00 shuttle to the airport and Kristin packs up her stuff…or tries to.  I have no idea.  They edited the piss out of her packing and making it look like she’s going through drug withdrawals and just pacing the room.  Oh MTV editors, how I love thee.
  • In the end, Heidi leaves Crested Butte and heads back to LA.  Meanwhile Kristin takes a car back to the airport herself and heads back to LA as well.

I have to admit, this wasn’t the worst episode ever, which is refreshing.  I have to say I believe the whole “Heidi’s Face Scares The Piss Out of Everyone” storyline and I’m also kinda digging the “Is Kristin a Crackhead?” storyline.  It beats the made up love triangles and the stupidity that was the “Enzo” storyline from last season.  So what did you guys think?

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