The Hills Recap: How Do You Know Who’s Not on Drugs?

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Like they said on a very special episode of Saved By the Bell, “There’s no hope with dope!”  Well we’re back to sit through another crapisode of The Hills…an episode where we’re downing as many beers as we can in 30 minutes all whilst punching ourselves in the nuts repeatedly until Heidi looks half human and Audrina doesn’t look like she’s a stunned beaver staring at an eclipse.  Anyscript, here’s what went down last night on The Hills:

  • Kristin (coke) heads over to Audrina’s house to talk about drugs, drug rumors, and the word drugs. I’m kidding, they won’t say “drugs” in this scene for some reason so the just keep saying “rumors” and “partying and stuff.”  Anycrap, Audrina has to “buzz” Kristin into her house because, as we know, Audrina had a stalker (who wasn’t me) and for some reason she’s not up for a good old fashion gang bang with strangers and people on meth.  Fame just went to her head, obviously.
  • Kristin is going to have a party and Audrina wants to know if she can bring a date.  She’s apparently dating…wait for it…wait for it…Ryan Cabrera.  Audrina says, “He’s a singer.  His name is Ryan Cabrera.”  I was red in the face with embarrassment just hearing the name so I can only imagine how Kristin must have felt listening to it with a camera in her face.  It’s like asking someone if you can bring Screech to their party.
  • I don’t mean to keep saying it, but it’s crazy in the opening credits to see  Heidi from way back in Season 1 vs.  Season 6.  It’s like a whole different person.  It’s like going from Nell Carter to Rhea Perlman in 6 seasons.  It just doesn’t make any sense.  Seriously they could have just recast Heidi with the mom from “Just the Ten of Us” this season and I’d pretty much buy it.
  • Meanwhile, Stephanie and Lo are driving around Hollywood, partially wondering why they’re both in a car together and partially because they are contractually obligated to do so.  They’re talking about Kristin and her severe drug problem.  By the way, did you guys hear Kristin has a drug problem?  This is the first I’m hearing of it.  Anyway, since Steph is a former meth-face, Lo is grilling her on recreational drug use.  Steph lets us all know that recreational drug use means you have a big problem.  What about recreational nose jobs?  Is that ok?  Because the car they’re in is full of them.
  • Speaking of a car full of nose jobs, enter Heidi.  Heidi and Steve Sanders are having a wonderful lunch on the sidewalk of some sh*tbag restaurant.  Heidi can’t wait to show her friends, like Uh-drina, her new body.  Actually, Heidi calls it her 3.0 body, but Steve Sanders jumps in to let Heidi know she has a 10.0 body because it’s a perfect 10.  Uh, I think Heidi had it right.  On a scale of 1 – 100, she’s at about a 3.0.  As a sidenote, Steve Sanders has on about as many pieces of random wooden jewelry as Heidi had surgical procedures.  I think these are his precious crystals that he wears.  More on that later.  Also, why are Heidi’s eyebrows not as high and pointy as they were in the previous episode?  Minus her new Tom Brady chin, her face looks almost the same as it did pre-surgery, which is just more proof that I don’t think she had any of those procedures.  In fact, I think she’s been wearing a pushup bra this whole time and, quite possibly, has stuffed Enzo into her shirt (God rest his soul).
  • Kristin, without her bag of drugs, heads off to the Dime (go figure) to see her “friend” Stacie.  She is now known as “Kristin’s friend” but she will always be “Stacie the Pointless Bartender” to me.  Stacie is giving Kristin advice on how to deal with Stephanie spreading those rumors about the, you know, drug use.  Her advice consists of kicking Stephanie’s ass.  Can someone please kick my ass for watching this crap?  No really.  Email me.  I’ll provide you my address and you show up to my apartment and just kicking the living sh*t out of me.
  • Just when I didn’t think I could lapse into a deeper coma, we now get to watch Brody and Frankie play basketball.  They’re both dressed like the kids from South Park.  Frankie, who’s famous for chit-chattin’ like school girls during 5th period Biology, decides to talk some smack about Ryan Cabrera and says that he and Audrina can share their jeans.  Oh Frankie!  Why they haven’t paid you a dime for any of the seasons you were in is beyond me.  Frankie also tells Brody that when they’re all at the party he should tell Ryan Cabrera, “Yo homes, stay away from my girl.”  Actually since Brody forgets from time to time that he’s white, I’m sure he would say that.  Frankie also tries to remain pop culture relevant by saying that Heidi is trying to look like Lady Gaga.  Well if that isn’t the “Ricky Ricardo calling the kettle boobs,” than I don’t know what is.
  • It’s party time at Casa de Coke Whore and it’s amazing me that Ryan Cabrera actually looks dirtier than Justin Bobby did.  Speaking of which, where in the hell is that mess anyway?  He’s probably at home spit-shining his silver sparkly motorcycle helmet.  Ryan tries to give Brody a little high-five action but, like Heidi’s boobs in 20 more years, he leaves him hanging.
  • Heidi and Steve Sanders show up to the party and Heidi is wearing the same dress that she wore in Vegas when she first showed off her new body to the paying public.  Once again, I think it’s a mechanical dress that has extra padding to make it look like she got a boob job.  Kill me for even analyzing this.  While Heidi is giving her “surgery hugs” to everyone she sends out reminder requests that people tell her if her rack falls out of her dress during the party.  She also lets Uh-drina know that she is done with most of her surgeries, but may get her boobs bigger and increase them to a size “H” for “Heidi.”  Or, she could get them to a size “H” for “Hell” because that’s where she’s going and where I currently am.
  • Steve Sanders is busy handing out his crystals to people at the party.  I’m not kidding, I have no idea what the hell is going on.  Heidi shows up as a brand new person this season.  Spencer is on a crystals kick and I have no idea what that even is.  Audrina is dating Ryan Cabrera.  Kristin has a drug problem.  And Stephanie doesn’t.  It’s like a Hills world gone mad.  It’s like the producers had a brainstorming meeting, put all their ideas into a hat, and then pulled out every single one of those ideas, and then shot scenes for them.  It’s like an episode of Full House where no matter what the writers had for an idea, they just did it….no matter what.
  • Kristin walks over to confront Stephanie and Lo about “the rumors” and Stephanie lets Kristin know that there is a stigma with drug users and so she would never tell people about Kristin’s drug problem.  I bet Stephanie is just mad that Kristin gets all the good drugs and Stephanie is left to dip into the surprise drug bag where 9 times out of 10 she wakes up pantless in a 7-11 parking lot with 3 empty jumbo Slurpee cups next to her and 5 unopened condoms on her forehead….and a baby screaming next to her still attached by the umbilical cord.  Too far?  Didn’t think so.
  • Later HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag shows up and won’t say hi to Spencer.  How rude!  I missed a little of this scene because I was trying to figure out what Holly did to her face because now she looks different too.  Seriously do they have like an “on call” plastic surgeon waiting in the green room that we don’t know about?  I also think I was wrong about Heidi stuffing Enzo in her shirt.  I’m pretty sure they injected him into Holly’s lips.  At least, finally, their horse in Crested Butte will enjoy it more when Holly is going down on him.  What?  It’s probable.
  • Towards the end of the fiesta de silence, Steph goes over to talk to Steve Sanders since she hasn’t talked to him in months and she starts crying when he starts mocking her.  Well, specifically, he called her a crazy b*tch.  Also, is Spencer the one on drugs because he’s literally yelling at people unprovoked.  He kinda reminds me of “me” right now yelling at my TV during The Hills. I think I finally get him.  Steph leaves the party crying all while Spencer continues to scream about how she’s not his sister and blah blah blah.  They end the scene by closing up on the “crystal” that Spencer brought over like they did with the Tikki on that episode of the Brady Bunch when the gang went to Hawaii and Professor Whitehead tied up Bobby, Greg, and Peter for trespassing in his cave.  I was just waiting to hear the “Do do dooooooo” music when they showed the crystal.
  • The “next day” Spencer heads over to his friend Charlie’s house in a literal huff.  Charlie, who looks like a Level Three with that long red hair and Hitler mustache, thinks that Spencer needs to chill out with all those crystals he’s wearing because they’re making him crazy.  Yes, folks, that conversation was actually taking place.  Spencer seems to be so mad that his perm has lost its kink and is now just feathered back like Bonnie Tyler in her Total Eclipse of the Heart video.  Can crystals do that to you?  Apparently so.  At this point I’d love for Audrina to walk in and Spencer to start singing, “Turn around ceiling eyes, every now and then I fall apart.”  Where in the holy hell am I going with this?  Oh yeah, Hitler Charlie.  Hitler Charlie and Spencer/Bonnie Tyler are looking at the seagull feather that Spencer picked up off the ground.  Are they serious with this whole “Spencer is crazy” scenario.  Fine, I’ll buy it for an episode or two but, to me, it’s as fake as the “Heidi had 10 surgeries” scheme of 2010.
  • In the end, Kristin and Stephanie meet up to talk about the, you guessed it, drug rumors.  Oh God now what did Stephanie do to herself?! Why does everyone look completely different in every scene they’re in?  This time around Steph looks like Aubrey O’Day from Danity Kane.  They fight it out at the restaurant and Steph tells Kristin that she’s a mean person and has the bitchiest attitude.  She then asks Kristin if she’s drunk right now.  Ha brilliant.  I’m going to start asking people that at the stupidest times as well.  Next time I’m at the Dunkin Donuts drivethru and they say, “Your total is $4.95” I’m going to respond, “What are you drunk right now?”  Awesome.  I love getting ideas from this show!
  • Stephanie storms out of the restaurant and Kristin walks out seconds later and they almost awkwardly bump into each other on the street, but Kristin takes a sharp left and they both walk in opposite directions….hopefully to their drug dealers.  Hopefully they’re not the same drug dealers.  Imagine how embarrassing that would be!

Well, that concludes another 22 minutes of brain rot for today.  Check out next week when Spencer talks about Heidi and Holly’s mother’s vagina.  I’m not joking.  It happens.  Ahhh The Hills.

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