The Hills Recap: Hey Lauren, Yeah It's Spencer. So, Um, Er, Uh, Yeah…Sorry About that Whole Sex Tape Thing.

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We are officially just two crapisodes away from the season finale of The Hills and Lauren’s last episode…ever.  I hope they retire her mustache and raise it up to the rafters.  Maybe she’ll pass her mustache on to another cast-mate.  Perhaps Darlene Montag.  She’d look nice with it.  Anystache, here’s what went down last night on The Hills:

  • We kick off this crapstorm with Heidi giving her own recap of last weeks episode to Stephanie.  Thanks for the play-by-play of the proposal, Heidi.  It was horrible to watch it and even more horrific to hear you talk about it.  Oh, and I guess that you just “casually” invite someone to your wedding these days because Heidi wants Stephanie to just “tell” Lauren to come to the wedding.  How not trashy.  She should just send out an “Evite.”
  • IBBB interupts this recap to quickly bring up that fact that during the opening credits when Audrina is in her bathingsuit her boob is coming out of the bottom of her top.  It’s jammed in there like your souveneire t-shirts in your suitcase on your return trip from Disney World.  Carry on.
  • If you’re on the freeway and see Stephanie Pratt driving, feel free to ram your car into the back of hers.  Here’s why.  Stephanie wears her seat-belt like a 3-year old who doesn’t know how to put one on.  She has the strap under her arm and over the top part of her stomach.  Wow, safe. 
  • We’re only 4 minutes into this episode and it is filled with more more voiceovers than shots of LA.  I’m surprised one of the voiceovers doesn’t consist of, “I am the great and powerful OZ.  Pay no attention to the man behind that curtain.”
  • Spencer and his d-bag amigo, Charlie, are at the driving range.  I’m sure comedy will ensue.  Spencer is dressed like a bitch.  He doesn’t look like he’s hitting golf balls.  He looks like he’s sweeping the leaves off the back porch.
  • Meanwhile, Heidi, Sandy Sanders, and HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag are out buying a last minute wedding dress since, apparently, the wedding is next week.  Who knew you could plan a wedding (sponsored by Us Weekly) in 7 days.  How lucky of them.  Sandy tells Heidi and 10 inches of her fake hair, her injected lips, her new nose, and filed down chin, and her new boobs that it doesn’t look like Lauren is going to make it to the wedding after all.  Heidi’s eyes partially fill with tears and she stares into the mirror with her wedding dress on.  I’m not even convinced it’s a mirror.  I just think she’s staring into the camera.  Oh, and I’m also not even convinced this show is taped in LA.  I think it’s just in front of a giant green screen and half the people and places are computer generated.
  • Later (probably like 6 months later) Lauren, Audrina, LOser, and Sandy Sanders are all on Wilshire Blvd having champagne…..well not “everyone.”  Sandy Sanders is having water because, well, I would imagine one sip of chamapagne would send her on a 3-week meth binge.  Like my 6th grade teacher used to say, “Drugs. 15 seconds of heaven and a lifetime of hell.”  If only she had known that The Hills would be on TV one day perhaps she would have said, “Drugs.  15 second of heaven and you starring in a reality show where you’re making tens-of-thousands of dollars an episode and everyone knows your name.”  That has a nice ring to it.
  • The girls all talk about how at one point or another they all hated each other and the main reason…Spencer.  They should be thanking him, actually, for being such a douche or there probably would have never been a season 3.  Anyway, when Audrina and LOser both tell Lauren they’re actually thinking of going to Heidi’s wedding Lauren looked so pissed I was sure her mustache was going to jump off her face and slap the both of them in the mouth. 
  • It’s time for the Young Hollywood (or something) party.  The scene starts out with Audrina asking Stephanie what she’s doing without her job.  Both Oddy and LOser laugh, but not because they’re mean skanks, but because even they know how ridiculous all of this is.  I’m sure the payment-per-episode of The Hills is enough for Stephanie to make ends meet.
  • Brody and Jayde show up and sit near Oddy and crew.  I refuse to comment on any of this since this story is dumb.
  • And enter Kelly CUNTrone!  Here she comes to save the day!  Kelly Cutrone is on her way!  Stephanie tries to blame Kelly for not being in the office enough and that’s basically why Stephanie is a reject of life.  In the 14 second scene, Kelly ends it with a “talk to the hand” and says goodbye to Stephanie.  Oh Kelly, you’re the best thing to happen to the show since Audrina’s new face.
  • Over at Casa de Chin, Heidi is demanding that Steve Sanders call LC to apologize for everything so that she comes to the wedding.  Spencer, of course, does his baby voice when complaining that he doesn’t want to call LC.  The “end scene” music starts playing and Heidi awkwardly says “you better do this for me” and walks out of the scene.  She says it like she’s a mob boss.  She’s more like a boob boss.  Ouch, even I thought that joke was terrible.  Eh, I’m keeping it.
  • Heidi later swings by Pubic Revolution to surprise Lauren and hand her a wedding invitation that looks as thin as the script this season.  Aren’t wedding invitations usually pretty thick?  Maybe this is like those one-card 5 year old birthday party invitations.  I hope Lauren RSVP’s in time so that they know how big of a cake to get!
  • Lauren basically tells Heidi that she’s ruined all her relationships and is making a bad decision marrying Spencer.  Heidi starts doing the fake tears again, but with all the surgeries her face has a hard time working up some tears.  I’m surprised they didn’t shoot out of her ears.  Anyway, LC continues by saying that Heidi used to be able to light up a room and how she aspired to be like Heidi back then.  Ugh.  Really?  I don’t think I would admit that…ever.  Although, this did make me start picturing Lauren with a new face and a new rack.  I guess it wouldn’t have been that bad.
  • Later, Spencer calls Lauren at “work” to apologize for the sex tape, etc.  Stop the press.  Is this the first time that The Hills has actually referenced something that happened outside of the show?  I think it is.  Wow.  We are making progress.  Meanwhile Lauren looks like she’s going to take a huge dump while Spencer is saying “sorry” to her and come to the wedding.  Oh, and why would Lauren answer the phone if it came up on her caller ID that (A) it said “Spencer Pratt” or (B) it said “Unknown Caller.  Does Lauren just answer no matter who calls?  This is all leading me to believe that a call didn’t actually take place between Spencer and Lauren.  I think it was staged.  I know, I’m a genius.

Next week Kristin Cavallari is back!  And what’s even better is that they have her walking down the aisle (during Heidi’s wedding) after the ENTIRE church is already seated.  Brilliant.  Finally.  I mean if this crap is going to be all fake they might as well put a little effort into it.

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