The Hills Recap: Heidi's Plan to Trick Spencer Into Fatherhood, I Believe, is Illegal and Punishable By Law. I'm Voting Death Penalty.

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So we only have 3 episodes left of The Hills this season and, hopefully, for life.  The thought of the cast consisting of Jayde and Stacie the Pointless Bartender may be more than my little brain can handle.  Here’s what “happened” last night on The Hills:

  • In keeping with the tradition of Season 5 of The Hills, this crapisode, yet again, consists of strictly dinners and lunches.  It is important to note that food is typically never found at any of these locations.  Now that we have that all cleared up, we kick things off with Brody and Kristin having, you guessed it, lunch!  What a treat for us, as viewers.  Brody, with beard and tight perm in place, looks like he has aged roughly 26.3 years since we last saw him.  Kristin looks like she was caught in a typhoon, similar to in Karate Kid Part II when that Asian chick was ringing the bell up on that wooden tower and Danielson had to rescue her.  Just me?  Moving on.
  • Kristin and Brody are telling stories of their relationship of the past and that one time when they stayed at Brody’s mom’s condo and Kristin had to wear his mom’s clothes.  I’m sure that consisted of a half-shirt that said, “What Happens After 50 Stays After 50” and short-shorts that say, “Jizz Dumpster” on the ass.
  • Anyone ever notice how during the opening credits towards the end when they show Stephanie Pratt she looks like she’s on a meth raid and about to shatty-pats her pants?  Next.
  • Ugh, this crap again.  Heidi heads off to see her therapist, Dr. Jordana Mansfucker.  Seriously, this is the worst.  It looks like her “office” is in the basement of a crackhouse.  Her license should be revoked and she should be forced to live in Tajikistan and provide free therapy to the people who just throw rocks at each other on the street while hiding behind abandon cars that always seem to be on fire.
  • Heidi explains to Dr. Mansfucker that she wants to go off the pill and “surprise” Steve Sanders with a baby.  That sounds like an excellent plan.  I also think a good plan would be to switch out her birth-control pills with rat poison.
  • After Heidi tells Dr Mansfucker her “plan” that I honestly can’t believe she memorized, Dr Mansfucker just says, “Uh, I don’t know.”  She legit has to think about it.  That makes me feel safe.  Good luck in Tajikistan, Mansfucker!
  • Brody and his lesbian lover, Frankie, are playing a little pool with “the boys” and are dishing like bitches in heat.  Everyone is weighing in on the Kristin/Brody/Jayde “Kill Yourself Love Triangle,” as I like to call it.  At some point I would just love to hear the director yell “cut” and then hear him say, “You are all terrible, terrible, awful, people.”
  • Surprise!  Another dinner/drinks segment!  This time Kristin is meeting up with Jayde.  I finally realized what Jayde looks like to me.  You know those sex dolls that look really really really lifelike and cost about $13,000?  Yeah, those.  Well, the sex doll with its eyes pushed all the way into its skull….and with bacon grease in its hair…..and probably with herpes….and a 5th grade education…and rickets.
  • Jayde and Kristin have their scripted fight of the episode.  Honestly, it’s like listening to two Valley-girls with turrets.  Jayde questions why out of all the guys in the city of “Hollywood” does Kristin have to focus on Brody and Justin Bobby.  Do they even live in Hollywood?  This point brings them closer as they both agree that they don’t like Audrina.  Awww poor teef.  However, in the end Kristin says three different ways that Jayde is a bitch and then she peaces out of their dinner-date.  Watching Kristin walk away I was thoroughly disappointed, as she left her full vodka soda on the table.  I’m sure Jayde will suck that up like an industrial powered Hoover…..or Brody’s mom on a blind-date.
  • LOser and Kristin are now having lunchless lunch.  Boring.
  • Heidi and Audrina are now having lunchless lunch.  Boring.
  • I’m actually shocked I haven’t slipped into a coma at this point.  I think I’m going to have a brain vasectomy, if that is at all possible. 
  • I’m not going to make it.  Really, I’m not.  Now Brody and Jayde are having dinnerless dinner.  It’s like the producer and story-board people of The Hills don’t even care about me anymore.  It’s hurtful, really. 
  • Jayde is trying her hardest to put words together to make a sentence.  She’s partially achieving this goal.  Halfway through her muffled story, she tells Brody to shut up for once in his life.  This makes Brody turn his fingers into a gun and pretend to shoot himself in the head.  This action makes me satisfied as a viewer and as a citizen of the United States and/or of The Americas of the World.  My only regret is that baby Jesus didn’t take this opportunity to have actual bullets come out of his finger.  I will add this regret, disappoint, and future wish to my rosary prayers later on tonight.
  • Jayde doesn’t want to fight with Brody anymore and she wants to get back together with him.  I think that’s a great idea.  If this increases the chances of this show ever ending, I think it’s a brilliant idea. 
  • Well what do ya know!  Now Kristin and Brody are at a dinnerless dinner.  I’ve actually opened up my window in my 30th floor apartment.  It’s basically down to a 50/50 chance that either me or my laptop is going for a jump. 
  • Brody tells Kristin and her raspy rapist voice that he’s decided to get back with Jayde.  Kristin decides that she is over the drama between all of them and thinks that Brody should be with a better girl.  Perhaps a girl like his mom?  A girl who would blow like the entire cast and crew of The Hills.  Perhaps a girl like Frankie.
  • So they’re really still going on with this Heidi/Spencer/Tricked Into Pregnancy storyline?
  • Heidi has attempted to dress “sexy” but in all reality she looks like a blond version of Miss Hannigan from “Annie.”
  • Heidi cooks up a “romantic” dinner for Steve Sanders which consists of pasta. Way to underachieve! It’s known scientific fact that if Heidi tries to suck up spaghetti her chin will cave in and her boobs will pop off.  Mere science, ladies and gentlemen, mere science.
  • Heidi decides to say “grace before meals” and thanks God for her outfit.  No joke, she does.  Seriously, Heidi is going to melt in hell.  Mere science.
  • If Heidi gets pregnant and I ever run into her I will pull the baby out through her vaginastein with my bare hands.  I’m KIDDING!  I would wear gloves.
  • In the end, we are graced with the presence of Stacie the Pointless Bartender.  She is officially the LOser of Kristin’s Malibu beach house. We get to hear Justin Bobby leave Kristin a voicemail letting her know that he’s kicked Audrina’s teef to the curb. 
  • Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender make an “impulse/scripted” decision to go to Vegas….right now.  Oh those two!  The Laverne and Shirley of our generation.
  • I miss drunken Holly Montag.
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