The Hills Recap: Costa Rica, Where the Sun Never Shines.

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Here’s what went down, last night, on The 100th episode of The Hills (sorry):

  • Ay yi yi yi yi!  Grab your maracas if you’ve got ’em because all the kids from The Hills have taken time off from their strenuous jobs and have headed to Costa Rica, which I believe is Spanish for “Since Doug isn’t on this show anymore flying us around in his private jet, we’ve arrived here on what we can only assume is a hot air balloon with a jet-ski motor attached, ole!”  Ole!  Ole is right.  Ole. Is. Right.
  • Stephanie, the Bindi Irwin of our generation (huh?), lets us all know that there are gorillas here in Costa Rica and that gorilla’s attack people.  That’s right Stephanie, that’s right.  Tune in next week when Steph teaches us things like, “gun shots hurt” and “ice is cold.”  The more you know (cue the shooting star).
  • While Audrina is busy laying out on the beach during what I can only assume is the cloudiest and foggiest day in Costa Rican history, Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are laying down in about 3 inches of mud water.  If this was Survivor they would technically be swimming in the section reserved for people to take Shasta McNasty and wash pots and pans.  I caught “the runs” just watching this scene.
  • Later that night everyone heads off to the set of the “resort” that I’m convinced the production crew just built because I haven’t seen one other “non Hills” person anywhere in Costa Rica.  Brody toasts everyone with his manly electric blue Smurf shots and says words of wisdom like, “…we’re all here together….in Costa Rica…that’s really far away from home.”  Brody is going to give Stephanie a run for her (stolen) money with his 3rd grade social studies facts!
  • All of a sudden Frankie starts speaking rabid Spanish to the bartender, Will, and Kristin thinks it’s “hot.”  Oh yeah?  Well if Kristin thinks that’s hot then she should check out this: “Hola, mi nombre es Patrick.  Me gusta El Hills.  Me gusta la sacapunta tambien.”  Jealous?
  • Kristin takes a liking to Will, the bartender, who is making Stacie the Pointless Bartender scared for her security on the rest of this show.  Will will probably end up being a regular cast member for the rest of the season because, as we’ve learned, you’re a pointless bartender one day and traveling with the Douche-Bag-Brigade to Costa del Rico the next.  That’s how that works.
  • Stephanie is left to be the sober one (court ordered) while everyone gets drunk and Audrina asks her how that makes her feel.  The answer to that is, “not bad, I’m on Ecstasy instead.”  Fine, I made that part up.
  • Brody tells everyone that Kristin is like a little sister to him and that will eventually send Kristin over the edge.  Now which little sister is Brody talking about?  The little sister who lifted up her shirt for the cameras and screamed “girls gone wild” in Season One of “Keeping Up With the Kardashian’s?”  Or the little sister who was practicing on the stripper pole?  Or the sister who had the sex tape with Ray J?  Or the sister who’s built like a moose and got busted for DUI?  Which sister?  He should be more clear.
  • Justin Bobby, the island pervert, apparently grabs Audrina’s arse while walking by.  We know this because Audrina tells Stephanie, “Justin just grabbed my ass.  Both cheeks.”  She makes it sound like it’s so voluptuous.  She has a table ass.  He probably was trying to put his drink down on it.  Plus, beavers have tails not asses.  Duh!
  • After Kristin gives her druken-slurred “I’m done” speech in the pool to Stacie the Pointless Bartender and Sleezy T the Pointless Friend, she heads back to the bar to talk to Will the New Pointless Bartender.  I’m sensing a theme with the majority of the people in this show.  Will the New Pointless Bartender tells Kristin about this outdoor bar that they can all go to later….and they do.  It’s Costa Rica, it’s hot out even at night, they’re at a beach bar….and Brody is wearing a black wife-beater and a winter hat.  Of all the douches in the whole douche pond, Brody is the king.  To top things off it starts to rain and drunken Kristin and crew are so psyched to dance in it.  Brody looks nervous about this, but mainly because his wool knit cap is likely to shrink once it gets wet in the rain and then dried by the Costa Rican heat.  Also, is this show actually about anything?
  • The next morning as the girls chit-chat about the night before (boring) they all of a sudden scream “crab!” as one walks sideways across their floor.  I assumed one just jumped out of Steph’s underwear but, no, there really was one walking across their floor.  Who knew?!  Moments later they see a baby monkey in the tree outside of their hotel and Steph hopes that it doesn’t start “throwing poop at them.”  Funny, I hope the opposite.  At least that way I won’t feel so guilty for throwing my own at my television and jumping up and down on my couch.  Just me?  Moving on.
  • As the guys surf and then take a break to lay down on the beach and talk about how they’re all starting to develop breasts feeling about the whole Kristin/Brody situation, the girls are all sharing a 4-wheeler and touring the Costa Rican coast without helmets on.  You gotta love how most other countries don’t have rules like the U.S.  They’re like, “Helmets?  What?  No, no you drive this 4-wheeler with two of your friends on the back, but before you go let’s celebrate with a few tequila shots!  See you soon!”
  • Later that night everyone is having a nice friendly dinner together…with Will the New Pointless Bartender because, you know, why not at this point?  There are 3 episodes left of this series so let’s just break through the rock bottom we thought we were at and find a whole new level of sh*t and piss.  And then let’s film it.
  • J Bob and Audrina are talking about about themselves and I’m over it.  Who cares?  WHO CARES!  I’m starting to have a breakdown.  Or maybe a breakthrough.  It’s hard to tell.
  • They all do some more shots and Kristin and Brody give a toast and, while I may be slowly lapsing into a self-induced coma, I’m pretty sure I heard Brody yell out, “to my sisters I’ve had sex with” and then laugh like a school girl in heat.  Any chance that monkey is available for some feces throwing?  Just checking.  Let me know, thanks.
  • Kristin then takes Will the New Pointless Bartender about 3 feet away from “the cameras” and starts to kiss him.  Seconds later she takes him by the hand and heads down to the beach where she can, more than likely, perform hand sex on him.
  • The next day Stephanie is freaking out over every bug they see.  She’s shaking, trembling, and screaming like she’s have flashbacks of her meth psychosis fits from yesteryear.  It’s actually pretty funny.  Good old Steph.  Friend ’til the end.
  • The whole gang heads out for a nature hike, which is a little hard to believe since Brody and some of the others are carrying open beer bottles with them.  As they “walk” through nature, Audrina keeps falling forward and her rack almost falls out of her shirt each and every time.  Well worth the trip.  How is the camera crew keeping up with them?  Oh, that’s why the “hiking scenes” only last 4 seconds.  They finally make it to their waterfall destination where they can climb rocks and jump in.  J Bob, for some inexplicable reason, is wearing a speedo whilst he scales the rocks.  Brody climbs halfway up “the mountain” and then dives, head first, about 50 feet.  Safe.  Does Frankie not know how to swim?  You never see him surfing or frolicking in the water?  He should try it.  Perhaps wear those bright orange swimmies?  Maybe next season. Oh.  Wait.
  • In the end they all head back to the airport to hop into their motorized hot air balloon and head home to LA.  Justin Bobertino asks Oddy if she had a nice time on the trip and if she would come back.  She responds by saying that yes she had a good time on the trip…but wouldn’t come back…and not with J Bob.  Zing!  Poor Justin Bobby Socks.  Isn’t it bad enough he’s even on this show?  Now he has to get slammed by Audrina (and not in the good way) on national television…on a show that’s being watched by literally 10’s of people.  Tragic.

Next week is the return of Darlene Montag and Holly Ethel Mertz Montag!  It’s sad, but I’m looking forward to it because I can’t take any more of this show the way it is.  I hope she brings that damn horse.

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