The Hills Recap: Audrina’s Boobs Soak in the Pool. Justin Soaks His Bobby.

• The crapisode kicks off with Audrina apparently guessing the security password of the main house and going in to talk with Lauren about her scripted boy situation. Lauren’s voice, of course, fluctuates from the terrible baby voice to that terrible raspy voice that leads me to believe she went on a blow binge the night before. Just a guess.
• Sandy Sanders shows up at “Karma Coffeehouse” (that has two of the same exact signs directly next to each other) looking like the mix between a lesbionic Olsen Slut and a natural Lindsay Lohan. Steve Sanders is, of course, on the set of Karma and if you look quickly you’ll notice that he’s on Perez Hilton’s website. I’m sure he’s emailing Perez to let her know that Heidi’s new chin is finally in and he should come over to take pictures of it and interview them!
• Steve Sanders is kind enough to reenact the past 4 episodes for us and keeps up-to-date on everything that has gone on with Heidi’s mom, Darlene, and sister, HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag. He tosses in a “stalker mom” comment, which I’m sure Dar Dar will never see since I’m sure she doesn’t watch The Hills as she is typically busy giving hand-pleasure to Heidi’s horse in Crested Butte. It’s interesting, also, how Steve Sanders tells Sandy Sanders that “HOlly’s on my office all day long.” Really? On it? How are you technically “on” an office? Unless he means the “set of his office” which now is making more sense to me. Or, wait, unless he means his pepe. Maybe HOlly is taking rides on the Spencercoaster. Gross. Time for my bleach shot.
• Finally, Steve Sanders calls HOlly a worse sister than Sandy Sanders. Awww, save it for the Christmas card. And then he’s pissed that he never got to “spellcheck” Heidi’s scripted letter (that I’m sure someone else wrote) to Lauren. I’m sure Steve Sanders spellchecking abilities are as good as Heidi’s combo singing and dancing abilities. I mean, she can chase seagulls on a beach like nobodies business, but still.
• Ugh. Pubic Revolution sucks without Kelly CUNTrone. This episode blows. Although Whitney says to Lauren, “I can’t waiD for the weekenT to comeK.” And then Lauren says, “What???” and makes Whitney say it again. Chuckle alert!
• Sidenote, Whitney’s holding a clipboard. Someone please verify the “data” that’s on that clipboard. A business is in jeopardy for cripes sakes!
• Audrina is a serial data and her teeth are a weapon. She’s on a 10 second data with Corey and they talk about summer for about 8 of those seconds. God. Listening to this date is like listening to a pep talk between Steve Irwin and Bindi Irwin. Crikey!
• Good morning, Corey, would you like some cereal after I banged the ever-loving Australian accent out of you? Oh, would you like strawberries with that? That’s basically what Aud said since Corey spent the night at Chateau Teef. And why is Lauren being so nice to everyone? I think it’s somehow tied to her moustache. When that thing is gone so is the attitude.
• Meanwhile Heidi is hanging up her ugly clothes as Steve Sanders has a whisper fight with her about HOlly moving out of Casa de Chin. Why does Heidi’s hair look like that? She must know it looks like crap right? She looks like she’s ready to give the 5:00 News 24 hours a day. Let’s try toning it down, assface.
• What in the holy hell kind of pool party is this? Whitney is wearing a blue ice skating dress and LC is in disguise with a top hat and 80’s sunglasses. Whitney’s sunglasses are the size of the windshield of a ’75 Buick.
• Hey Frankie! Thanks for being pointless, yet again, on The Hills. Since when does Justin Bobby hang out with Frankie and DouK every day? Seriously, who are these 3 characters?! Audrina brought Corey to the stupid pool party and Frankie’s script informed him that he also told J Bob to come, but now LC and Whitney think it’s a bad idea and will stir up some drama. Da da duuuuun. I mean du du duuuuuuumb. Frankie calls Justin Bobby and leaves him a message like a 14 year old girl telling her mother that she’s at the movies when she’s really at her boyfriends house because his parents are out and she’s thinking of using her hand for the first time on him. Jesus, Frankie, there are cue-cards right in front of you. Read them damn it!
• Now we have Lauren, Audrina, and some dumb dog (is that LC’s dog?) walking up in the Hollywood Hills, I guess, and talking about all the different guys that Audrina is going down on this week. I’m sure the camera crew was pissed they had to walk all that way to listen to Audrina speak her mind on top of a mountain.
• Wow who’s all dressed up for their big scene? Heidi is telling HOlly that she has to peace the F out. HOlly thinks she’ll be living on the street. Seriously, how trashy is HOlly? Listen to the way she says, “WHY?” to Heidi when she tells her to move out. It’s like having a conversation with Roseann Barr.
• The crapisode ends with Audrina getting pushed in the night pool by Justin Bobby. J Bob will only go in if Audrina unleashes her beasts into the pool. J Bob screams like an alter boy who’s about to get diddled by Father Fitzpatrick, “What are you doing!?!?” J Bob takes off his 15 layers of clothing and now him and Audrina are soaking their filth in the pool. Auddy tells Bobby about Cabo and he’s looking for a “hall pass” while he’s there so he can be creepy with other unsuspecting girls. I hate this show. I hate my life. Listening to this conversation has made me flatline. The end. Thank Christ.

This Just In……did anyone watch The Aftershow that they showed directly after The Hills (oh, is that where they got that name from)? Well, it’s horrific, but the best part was that Audrina was supposed to be there live on the show, but is “sick” to she appeared via satellite. Brilliant! Audrina is via satellite with one of those 6th grade school picture blue backdrops behind her! I love it! It could have only got better if they had that terrible laser background that I begged my parents to pay extra for so that it looked like I was taking my school picture from outerspace because, you know, that makes sense.