The Hills Recap: Apparently They've Decided to Just Go the Sex Route

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Today’s Hills recap is brought to you by the letters: A, N, O, R, E, X, I and A.  And also by the numbers 9 and 1 lbs.  If you’re like me and were tuning in just to see Kristin Cavallari get a drink thrown in her face by Jayde you will be crying meth tears into your pillow because the editing machine was in over drive tonight.  I won’t spoil it, but she gets a water balloon tossed at her by some random dude.  Oh wait, I did just spoil it.  Anyscript, here’s what went down on the most recent crapisode of The Hills:

  • It’s Brody’s birthday and so that can only mean one thing, Kristin and Stacie the Pointless  Bartender head out to the Hustler store to buy him some sex toys.  I think they should always start each episode with sex.  Perhaps next week a rabid pitbull can make sweet love to Heidi?  I’ll start the letter writing campaign to MTV.
  • MTV  must have hired some top notch comedy writers for this scene because Kristin says she wants to buy Brody a whip because…wait for it….wait for it….wait for it….still waiting….wait for it….empty your bladder….wait for it…..slap your kids…..wait for it…..pants a homeless man….wait for it….wait for it….BECAUSE BRODY IS WHIPPED FROM JAYDE!  Seriously she should do stand up.  Kristin then places a dog collar on Stacey the Pointless Bartender and then says, “because he’s a dog, he’s whipped.”  Huh?  Look, I love me some Kristin, but the guy holding the cue cards must have had a seizure and dropped them all because she’s mixing up her lines.  Although, if Kristin is trying to tell us that she whips dogs, well, I’m all for that.  I’m back on the Cavallari wagon of horror.
  • Kristin whips Stacie the Pointless Bartender to which Stacey the Pointless Bartender says the smartest thing that has ever been said on The Hills, “What am I doing!?”  Exactly.  That Stacie the Pointless Bartender is a real pistol.
  • 18 years later, Justin Bobby and Kristin are at her Malibu beach house and J Bob is surfing similar to the way that Greg Brady surfed whilst the family was vacationing in Hawaii.  Hopefully he doesn’t have that bad-luck Tiki around his neck.  Oh, and also, does J Bobert actually have a tattoo that says “Itali” on his stomach?  I’m looking for the “A” at the end, but can’t seem to see it.  This, however, has inspired me to get a tattoo on my stomach that says “Bosto.”  The “N” will be on my back.
  • After a morning cup of wine, The Hills injects some more sexy boom boom into the scene by having J Bob spray down Kristin’s ass with a hose while she walks up the stairs.  I think they’re finally on to something.  Hopefully Spencer will hose down Heidi’s chin up in the Hollywood Hills.
  • So does anyone want to mention Stephanie Pratt’s eating disorder and face work, or no?  No?  Fine, I’ll do it.  While walking up the street she looked like a hot dog not wearing any pants.  And while getting her nasty ass feet massaged it looked like her shoulder blades were coming out of her skin and going to cut her newly sculpted face.  Oh, and it also looks like a blue pen exploded underneath each of her eyes.  I’m afraid for Stephanie and by “afraid” I mean, “I actually don’t care, but figured that was a nice touch.”  Speaking of a nice touch, I wonder how Lauren’s mustache has been.
  • Well it’s the day of Brody’s big surprise party that is being thrown by Jayde.  The backyard looks like it’s been set up for a 5-year olds birthday party and I’m pretty sure Frankie just literally carried his car into the yard.  LOser and Sandy Sanders are saying the name “Justin Bobby” about 24.7 times.  They’re not even running lines anymore they’re just saying “Justin Bobby, Justin Bobby?  Justin Bobby!, Justin Bobby?”
  • Jayde gives everyone a 1 minute warning that Brody is about to enter the surprise party and Frankie literally tells everyone to get on their knees, which is ironic because I’m almost certain that’s how he landed his “role” on The Hills. 
  • The gate opens up and everyone yells surprise.  What fun.  Frankie is yelling “Happy Birthday” like Brody is two states away.  He absolutely is in love with Brody.  Oh, and Jayde has a walkie-talkie.
  • LOser and Sandy Sanders, acting like 14 year old school girls in heat, stumble as they ask Kristin if she’s dating Justin Bobby.  And you wanna know what?  Kristin “voice-overed” that she is.  Now this is a real treat.
  • Thank Santa Christ that there is always a camera on Kristin because we are lucky enough to see her get hit square in the face with a water balloon.  Now had this been Heidi, the balloon would not have broken due to the hardness of her face.   I learned this scientific fact, ladies and gentlemen, from an episode of Mr. Wizard before the 9:00am children’s singing mass at Immaculate Conception in Revere, MA.
  • It’s time to open up the birthday gifts and Brody’s mom is in a bikini.  Just “seconds” before she was in a blue dress.  Brody basically tells Jayde that he’s going to choke her as he’s banging her and Brody’s mom (who looks like she just got rammed herself) beams with pride.
  • Oddrina has her car-driving-date with Justin Bobby’s friend.  Boring.  Fail.
  • Meanwhile up in the Hollywood Hills, Steve Sanders is hitting golf balls with his Hitler looking friend, Charlie.  Of course they’re talking about Heidi wanting a baby and that little annoying next door neighbor.  Oh crap, here he is.  Billy from Who’s the Boss is chatting it up with Steve Sanders.  Legit I think he’s saying “Ariba, Ariba.”  I have no idea.  Spencer verbally abuses Billy from Who’s the Boss and then sends him off to go hide on the side of the mountain.  I’m confused as to why any of this is taking place and why this even qualifies to be on television.  Remember when you had to have a talent to appear on TV?
  • You know who they should replace Stacie the Pointless Bartender with?  Cami, from Laguna Beach.  Also, they should replace Billy from Who’s the Boss with Elodie.  Seriously, why don’t they bring her back to stir up some trouble for Heidi? Or better yet, maybe she can be Heidi’s secret surrogate.  This way, Spencer won’t even know that the baby is Heidi’s until after the birth.  Hmmm, I think I’m onto something…or on something.  It’s hard to tell.
  • Why won’t this episode end?
  • Why is Steve Sanders wearing a cowboy hat in the restaurant and at all?
  • Why did Heidi not laugh when he referred to his hat as a “beaver skin” hat?
  • Why are they still talking about having kids?  Didn’t anyone figure out that no one cares?
  • Sandy Sanders and Oddrina are chatting about her car-ride-date with Justin Bobby’s friend.  It’s hard to tell what’s going on because I am too focused on Stephanie Pratt’s new lips.  They actually look like they’re going to explode off of her face.  What an absolute sin.  A sin like, Thou Shalt not Kill.
  • WHOA!  Stacie the Pointless Bartender looks like she aged 45 years.  No joke, I’m pretty sure Kristin is actually talking to Sally Field during a Boniva commercial instead of Stacie the Pointless Bartender in the morning.  Also, it’s important to note that in the morning Stacie the Pointless Bartender is drinking a red martini.  This train is about to derail.

NEXT WEEK NEXT WEEK NEXT WEEK, HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag gets silly drunk and a partial intervention is planned.  Bring. It. On.

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