The City Recap: With Special Guest Appearance By Martha Stewart

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  • Uh, what happened to Joe Zee?  Who’s this new guy who looks like Joe Zee, but isn’t wearing the required black suit/white shirt/black skinny tie uniform that we’re use to seeing?  If he’s going to all of a sudden switch up his attire they’re going to need to keep his name captioned for the duration of his scene, thank you and also, thank you.
  • Erin Jo, who  has apparently dug up the body of Michael Jackson and stole his jacket, is all pumped to the nines because she booked Elle to be on Martha Stewart.  I thought Martha Stewart was still in prison, no?  Ugh, I guess I’m behind the times.  Someone get me an atlas so I can figure this out.  Anyshamore (eeeee heeee!), it’s Olivia’s “job” to make sure she finds some up-and-coming designer so she can blow feathers all over Martha.  I have no idea.  All I know is that Joe Zee is basically begging Olivia to write down what he’s instructing her to do, but she won’t.  Everyone looks frustrated, but I think Olivia really has never used a pen before.  She basically licks the paper and is like, “Is this writing?”  Seriously, Helen Keller could have followed these directions better than Olivia.  As a sidenote, Helen Keller was also a snappier dresser than Olivia and could also play the spoons.  Some of that may be fact and some of it may be non-fiction.  Oh wait.
  • Why in the holy hell are they playing “Staying Alive” during the scene that leads up to Whitney and Roxy Horror at Pubic Rev?  Ugh, they must be out of money.  Next week I’m sure they’ll be using the “Cannon in D” midi ringtone from my 2002 Motorola.
  • So some chick singer from Canada (I assume Anne Murray) is playing a gig in NYC and because this singer got robbed Kelly Cutrone is hoping to push Whitney’s clothing line on this poor girl.  It’s like, “Sorry you’ve been robbed.  Here’s some highly flammable clothes.  Don’t sweat in them or you’ll go up in flames.”  And what does she mean “They were robbed?”  Robbed how?  Like on Oregon Trail when a thief would come in the middle of the night to steal your sh*t from your covered wagon?  Like that?  Be specific.  Unless you spell it out for me I’m not going to be able to follow it.  Oh, and Roxy Horror is in charge or forcing Anne Murray to wear this crap on stage.  Yawn.  Oh, and burp.
  • Meanwhile, Joe Zee Messina and Olivia (+ toothpick legs) head over to see that random designer who they may use on Martha Stewart.  I can’t understand a word this guy is saying.  I mean, they do sub-titles for Kiki Cutrone at times, but for this guy they’re just going to wing it.  Makes sense.  I’m pretty sure he’s describing one of his outfits by saying he glued glass and plastic all over it.  The model looks like she needs a tetanus shot after doing her walk.  Olivia starts taking pictures of these terrible outfits.  Bonus points for Olivia since she didn’t use the camera backwards and take a close up picture of her face.  Who knew?  Finally Olivia chooses her favorite outfit which is Smurf blue pants.  She says she loves the “menswear” look for women. It’s her “favorite of all time.”  Why doesn’t she just admit she’s sporting a ding-ding and save us all a lot of time?
  • Back over at Pubic Rev, that Canadian singer who I assumed was Anne Murray shows up with her manager.  Her name is Lights.  I said, her name is Lights.  Lights.  Kill me.  Is she “the Demi Lovato” that all the kids are wild about?  I can’t keep up.  All I know is that she looks like she leaves a ring around the bathtub and stinks like the basement of a church.  In other words, she could be a Lohan.
  • Roxy Horror is trying to force feed “Lights” the clothes from Whitney Eve but “Lights” wants no part of it.  I wonder why?  Why doesn’t “Lights” want to dress the same way Claire Huxtable goes to bed?  That’s odd.  What is she thinkinK?  In the end, “Lights” chooses one of Whitney’s jackets to wear.  Is she going to give the jacket back after…..with all her hair grease all over it?
  • It’s the night of “Lights'” concert and I’m already embarrassed for everyone and myself.  She’s wearing Whitney’s jacket, which is nice to see!  Oh wait.  That was fast.  The jacket has not only been taken off, but thrown on the ground as well.  Either that or the jacket tried to jump from her dirty body in order to save itself.  Whitney is piiiiiiised.  I love how the cameraman keeps taking a close up shot of the jacket on the ground like it’s a dead body.  Seriously, take a Shasta McNasty on it, light it on fire, and call it a day.
  • Somewhere across town where “the rich” live, Olivia and her boyfriend, Joe Zee, are at some event where Joe Zee just compliments Olivia every 2.5 seconds.  I love love love how he totally sweats Olivia.  He could care less that my 3 year old niece can do Olivia’s job (she can use a pen and a camera and Olivia can fit into a 3T), he just loves him some Olivia.  I bet they have sleepovers.  Olivia wears a pants-suit to bed and Joe Zee, of course, is in his black suit.  They braid each others hair, freeze Olivia’s bra undershirt when she falls asleep, and bust out the Ouija Board to contact Sleepy Time Allie, Jay (Ozzy Bobby), Adam, and other old dead cast members from season one.
  • When some random 10′ tall designer comes up to Olivia my first thought is, “Roz from Night Court became a designer?  Good for her.”  Joe Zee raves how Olivia saved the day earlier when they went to visit that random designer and Roz asks Olivia what she did there.  Olivia says, “You know….took pictures…..looked at the Fall and Spring collection.”  Wow, someone is a real go-getter!  You mean to tell me she took pictures AND used her eyes to look at things?  4 years of college were well worth it!  Elle today and maybe the first woman on Mars tomorrow!  I’m kidding.  Uranus.  Giggity.
  • Back at the “Lights” concert, Whitney is all in a huff that her beloved jacket is on the ground so she decided to leave the “show.”  I’m surprised she left before they held a memorial for the jacket.  She finds Roxy Horror and yells at her for not following through and making “Lights” wear her rags.  Roxy Horror has a point.  She can’t force her to wear stuff that she doesn’t want to.  Also, why do I care?  Whitney tosses in a threat that she has to answer to Kelly as well and Roxy storms away never to be seen or heard from again.  Wait no, she’ll be seen and heard from again.
  • It’s the big Martha Stewart show taping!  I’m trying to pretend I’m excited by using an exclamation mark.  Didn’t work.
  • Oh. Hi Seth.  Oh, Seth?  Go f*ck yourself.
  • Why is Seth everywhere and I’m not anywhere?
  • Erin Jo is all a flutter and doing the job of 10 people. She’s like a the crazy Jamaican on the beach who braids your hair, carves you a wooden duck, and then takes you para-sailing.  I thought she was in PR, but she’s also giving makeup tips and giving the models instructions.  I laughed when she told the “glam girl” to smile because she looked depressed.  Good form.
  • What are you smiling at, Seth?
  • Rita Wilson is totally sucking up to Martha Stewart when right before they “go live” she tells Martha that she’s pretty.  Martha, who’s fishing for compliments, pretends she didn’t hear her so Rita Wilson has to say it again.  Also, we know that Rita Wilson is lying because when she says it she immediately itches the back of her head.  Jennifer Aniston used to do this when being interviewed about who she was dating.  Oh, also, I need to stop watching Inside Edition.
  • The segment goes off without a hitch and Erin Jo lets Rita Wilson, her boss, know how proud she is of her…her boss….Rita Wilson…Erin…proud of Rita.  Awkward.
  • Why does everyone seem to care about the Martha Stewart show?  Is ELLE’s demographic 62 year old retirees from Georgia?  Maybe it is. Maybe. It. Is.
  • Roxy Horror and Whitney are at Whitney’s 1 bedroom apartment where Roxy also lives (oww owwww!) and they’re still fighting about that nasty jacket being thrown on the ground.  Seriously, you would think this jacket was on its way to the Smithsonian Institute in Washington DC the way they’re talking about it.  Whitney feels that Roxy Horror is constantly disappointing her and it’s put a strain on their contractually obligated friendship.  Therefore, Roxy Horror decides she’s going to move out.  If I were Whitney I would have said, “Oh you want to move out? Oh.  Ok.  Why don’t I give you the addresses where my old friends Allie, Jay, and Adam live now.  Oh wait…the dumpster.”
  • In the end we end where we started.  No, not in hell.  At ELLE.  Joe Zee and Olivia are chatting (per usual) about how wonderful Olivia is and then Joe Zee congratulated Erin Jo on a job well done at the Martha Stewart Show.  Olivia also lets Erin Jo know that she did a good job.  Really?  That’s about as meaningful as the person who says “thank you” when you hold the door for them when they’re 10 steps away from it.  Erin Jo is giving great face at everything that Olivia is saying to her.  A face that almost says, “B*tch, I’ll cut your tongue out and stick it against the window like a Garfield rear window decal.”  Yeah, like that kind of face.  Erin Jo has had enough (or has to do #2) and gets up and leaves her “work station” while Olivia just sits back and eyes her computer and is probably thinking, “Now I know this ‘talk box’ is supposed to do something.”
  • Oh, and F you Seth.

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