The City Recap: The Many Faces of Erin Kaplan

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Sure the main point of this episode is about Whitney and her terrible blind date, but I must admit I was a little more fascinated by all the faces that Erin has been making throughout the season.  Therefore ergo nevertheless furthermore regardless virtues, I decided to capture all the wonder that Erin creates with her face in this specific episode.  I’ve never claimed to not be a loser.  I embrace it. Ergo, nevertheless, and thou.  Here’s what else went on during the latest episode of The City:

  • It’s the blind date episode of The City that all 4 of you have been waiting for!  Whitney is going to go on a blind date with some d-bag that her friend has set her up with.  He works at Burgerdork John Goodman, I believe she said.  I’m interested in seeing how this goes down.  My guess?  Like a cheerleader on her period.
  • Joe Zee Messina is having Olivia help out with a photoshoot of Andy Broderick’s wife, Black-n-Decker.  They’re spouting out accessory names and then they say it.  It was like slow motion to me.  Gloves. Like. Diane. Keaton.  I shook when I heard that.  As you know, my arch nemesis in life is Diane Keaton.  No joke.  My second arch nemesis in life?  Diane Keaton’s gloves.  I’m anointing myself with holy-water as I type this.  Damn you Keaton!  Damn youuuuuu!
  • Anyway, Erin Jo Buttafucco will also be going on the photoshoot with Black-n-Decker as well.  I hope she brings along her bag of eye-rolls, sideward glances at Olivia, and huffs. 
  • Blind Date Time!  Oh crap, his name is Patrick.  Again, it’s like The City is speaking directly to me in this episode.  I’m going to dial up Chip Coffey to get his thoughts on this.
  • This kid is a box-o-douche for sure.  Look, I’m doing everything in my power to get famous too, but if you knew you were on a date that was…wait for it….wait for it….FILMED FOR TELEVISION, wouldn’t you be on your best behavior and perhaps have your dick-o-meter turned down to about a 1?
  • Blind Date Patrick used such NYC “slang” like 5F and LV.  I must be as bricks as Whitney because when Doucherick said “5F” I also thought he was talking about 5th Ave. 
  • It takes Whitney a little time to figure out what LV means.  In fact, Doucherick has to tell her that LV stands for Louie Vuitton.  My guesses included, but were not limited to: Lobster Vagina, Lazy Violinist, Loin Valve, Lesbian Values, and Left-handed Ventriloquist.  Of course, Louis Vuitton would have been my 5th guess.
  • Meanwhile, Roxy Horror heads out on her date for the night and we learn that she broke up with her crazy LA ex-boyfriend because he used to sleep outside of her apartment.  Note to Self:  Do not sleep outside of Kelly Cutrone’s office….or apartment….or car. 
  • At the conclusion of Whitney’s blind date from hell, Doucherick instructs Whitney to “join forces” which is technical douche-speak for “split the bill.”  Congratulations Doucherick and best wishes on ever getting laid again, ever.
  • Well it’s photoshoot day for Black-n-Decker and Olivia takes her anorexic toothpick legs to the shoot.  She helps Joe Zee Messina pick out clothes that end up being the same thing she is already wearing.  You can almost hear Erin Jo’s eye-rolls from here.
  • Erin Jo and Joe Zee Messina have an official roof “sass-off” and are bitching back and forth at each other about Olivia.  Erin Jo is winning the “sass-off” in my eyes because Joe is her boss and he has yet to say, “Bitch, who you yellin’ at!?” 
  • When Erin Jo gets all fired up she talks about 100 mph and her cheeks shake…kinda like a chipmunk caught on a treadmill.
  • It’s girls night out and Roxy has invited her date, Zac, to meet up with them.  Zac does show up and he brings six girls.  Lucky for them the producers have 6 additional mic-packs that they all get to wear so we can hear them have a conversation.  What luck!
  • Another Race Than White Alert:  I hope you are all sitting down as you’re reading this.  If you have any hot liquids like coffee or tea near you, please move them 10 feet from where you are seated.  If you have any food, gum, mints, etc in your mouth as you are reading this, please either swallow it or spit it out now.  Now I don’t want to frighten any of you, but there is a….a…..a…..an African American person in the scene with Zac.  She’s sitting at his table.  I know that you’re thinking, “But IBBB, I thought only white people were allowed on such shows as The City and The Hills.”  Well you would be partially correct.  If you remember back in Season 3 of The Hills there was an Asian girl in the background of LC’s college class that got over 3.4 seconds of airtime.  Well, this Asian girl has apparently paved the way for other races because this time the African American girl got over 8 seconds of airtime AND a line to say.  The City is really making its way into 1952 right before our very own eyes.  Just think, there could be an actual character of another race on the show by the year 3013!
  • Anyway, Roxy Horror is pissed at Zac for bringing girls to Roxy’s girls-night-out party.  Whitney says she has a gag reflex to all of this.  I’m sure it’s not just all of this…if ya know what I mean 😉  I’m talking about oral sex.  Was that not clear?
  • On the other show, Erin Jo, Joe Zee Messina, and Olivia are having dinner with Cobra Starship.  While this could be a complete boring scene, once again, the scene stealer is Erin Jo who literally makes faces at everything that is being said about Olivia and her working together.  Someone place Erin Jo on suicide watch, stat! 
  • We later learn that Olivia is a big fan of House Music and Hip Hop.  Although, she didn’t know who Tribe Called Quest was, I’m still not NOT believing her.  I mean, I’m sure she has Rump Shaker and I Like Big Butts playing in her apartment on a constant loop while she is on all fours over her toilet with a toothbrush shoved down her throat and a picture of Erin Jo glued to the bottom of the toilet.  That’s just my guess though…you may have your own guesses.
  • Olivia leaves dinner and Erin Jo finally has the opportunity recap Cobra Starship on the entire situation/season of Olivia on The City.  Again, she does it at about 100 mph with her cheeks shaking.  Chipmunk on the treadmill.  I believe that can now be classified as a syndrome.
  • Well finally!  There are 2 minutes left of the show and FINALLY Kelly Cutrone makes it into a scene.  Geesh.  Well, at least we get to experience her, even if it is only for 2 minutes.  It’s 2 minutes of comedy gold.
  • Whito and Roxy Horror decide to use their “work day” to talk about the whole Zac situation from the night before.  Kelly calls Whito into her office and says, “I hate to break up the quilting circle, but do you mind coming in here for a minute?”  Brilliantly played, Kelly, brilliantly played.  She then tells Whitney to never make her listen to that again, especially listening to Roxy’s voice.  Again, brilliant.  But perhaps my favorite part is when Kelly says that she’s trying to run a company in the middle of a recession.  I love Kelly and the recession!

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