This week we’re starting with the recap of The City instead of The Hills because I thought it was time to change things up. I’m kidding, my Tivo didn’t tape The Hills for some reason and I. Am. Pissed. I yelled at my Tivo and, well, said a lot of things I didn’t mean. I feel terrible and my Tivo is going to have to explain a black-eye to the other Tivo’s during lunch tomorrow. I told my Tivo to just say it tripped and fell into a doorknob, but we have used that one many times before so it might be time to get a bit more creative. Anydvr, The Hills recap will be back tomorrow so, in the meantime, enjoy what went down last night on The City:
- In our first fake storyline of the season, Roxy Horror and Sammi Gap Tooth are apartment hunting in sunny New York City. Sammi thinks that Roxy needs to take the first real step in making her own life and apparently a 1 bedroom, $4,000/month furnished apartment will do just that! The real estate agent, whom I’ve nicknamed La Cucaracha, looks like someone pissed all over her hair and shot her in the face with a makeup gun. That alone is worth the $2500 “finders fee” and, well, I’m willing to pay that on Roxy’s behalf.
- Erin Jo is with Kate, the Director of Accessories from (h)ELLE(o) magazine looking at, you guessed it….accessories. I’m shocked to learn that an accessories editor does exist. It makes sense though. I mean, you definitely need an expert out there saying things like, “wear earings” and “here’s a bracelet.”
- Whitney is chattinK with Erin Jo and Kate, the Sandra Dee of our generation, about their upcoming shoot with Ashley Greene for ELLE(a Fitzgerald) and Erin Jo comes up with a genius idea that they’ll need a black dress for the shoot and asks Whitney if she has any black flammable clothes they may be able to use. Whitney almost pisses herself with excitement and explains that this year she has a lot of black dresses because she finally realized that everyone wears black and black goes with everything. Oh Whitney, you really are a prodigy. I am scared, however, that it took her two fashion lines to figure out something that my 3 year old niece has known since she was 2. But I digress. I also digest.
- Roxy Horror is having lunch with her dad Ken Olin (a writer and cast member of ABC’s “Brothers and Sisters”), surely he’ll be able to spot Roxy the money for her $4,000 “starter” apartment. Oh, that was quick. No, no he won’t. Although Ken does sweeten (not Jodi) the deal by allowing her to come home and live in his mansion and walk his dogs. Roxy turns that down and I am busy trying to get Ken’s contact information so that I can accept that offer. My only stipulation is that I don’t like dogs so I’m only willing to drag the dogs, not walk them, and I must wear a hazmat suit the entire time. I’ll let you know what he says.
- It’s the day of the Ashely Green shoot and Joe Zee is all ” a buzz” around the clothing options that Ashely might be able to wear. There are things on the rack (giggty) from Versace, Dolce and, of course, Whitney Eve. I’m sure they’re only using Whitney Eve clothes as a “floor protector” in case one of the Versace pieces falls off the rack.
- Joe Zee Messina asks Olivia, who’s dressed to be deployed to Iraq (fingers crossed), if they can work in some of Whitney’s clothes into the shoot and Olivia musters up enough energy to say that they have other priorities first. Erin Jo gives Joe Zee a look and half smirk that says, “Who knew Olivia he knew what the word ‘priority’ meant?!” Joe Zee leaves the shoot and Olivia’s twin takes Whitney’s black rags and places them with the other clothes letting Olivia know that Joe Zee really likes it and that Olivia should try to add accessories to it and use it for the shoot. Olivia responds by saying, “there’s only so much we can do.” I’m sure she just stole that from the producers and editors when she overheard them talking about her.
- Over at Pubic Rev, Kelly Cutrone comes to save the day and spread happiness, sunshine, and piss all over the office. Like an episode of The Brady Bunch, Whitney and Roxy are basically giving each other the silent treatment. Personally, I think Whitney just ran out of words she knows, but apparently she’s still mad at Roxy. Kelly tells them both that they need to get over it and that she’s not a therapist and doesn’t really care. There’s a charity event that Whitney is going to she decides to bring Sammi instead of Roxy Horror. Kelly rolls her eyes and I’m pretty sure, when she did this, I saw snakes goes by. I just had to rewind it on my Tivo and yes, in fact, I did see snakes. Odd, yet not so.
- Seriously is Joe Zee Messina make a commission off every person he gets to wear Whitney Eve? Is he making commission right now because I’m talking about it? Joe Zee, with gun in hand, makes Ashely Greene put on Whitney’s jacket that looks like it came off an extra on the set of Dynasty (yes I’m that old so go F yourself). I can almost see the rash forming on Ashley’s arms. Olivia is now tasked with interviewing Ashley and she asks her some real doozies! Questions like, “Hi, how are you?” and “You’re in Twilight? Tell me about it.” By the end of the interview Joe Zee has to instruct Olivia to ask Ashley about what she’s wearing so she says, “I love your shoes.” Ashley tells us all who made her shoes, her skirt, her vaginastein, and that the slaves chained to the sewing machine in Whitney’s sweatshop made the jacket. Of course Olivia replies, “Well I love your shoes and skirt.” Oh snap. Rhythm is a dancers and Whitney just got zinged by The Can of Olives. When she says this Joe Zee looks at Erin Jo like he heard someone tell him to stop wearing his black suit/white shirt/black skinny tie uniform.
- It’s time for the charity event that is named “Tulips and Pansies” which I’m pretty sure if subliminal messaging for “Vagina’s and Taint.” I just checked and, well, I was right. This is a charity I can get behind. Hey-oh!
- Whitney is wearing a bed-spread from a Boca Raton Howard Johnson’s (w/ diner) and she’s bitching about Roxy wanting to move out of the 1 bedroom apartment. Whito goes to sit with Kiko Cutrone and Roxy shows up and sits right beside Whitney. They watch about 10 people walk the runway with about 300 pounds of flowers on their heads and then they have at it. Marsha and Jan start fighting about Jan looking at other apartments and suddenly Alice reprimands them for fighting during a charity event. Marsha storms out of the fashion show because she can’t fight with Jan anymore and also probably a little because her dress is starting to itch….like, a lot.
- Wait a second, this scene just took a complete left turn. Olivia just told Joe Zee that she wants to go to Japan and do some “stories” for Elle(m, n, o, p). Joe Zee says if Olivia can justify going than he’ll think about it so Olivia says that she wants to do a segment where she asks people on the streets of Japan what they’re wearing and then she also wants to go to the Elle(ctrictuion) offices in Japan to meet them too. Apparently this is enough for Joe Zee to “buy in” because he thinks that Olivia raises some valid points and so he’s going to talk to Rita Wilson about this. Seriously, what? Somewhere at a Benihana, Erin Jo is sharpening her knife and squealing with delight. Also, I have no idea.
- Sidenote, I hope they turn Olivia into Japanimation for next season.
- Ugh. I have three words for you. Seth.
- Seth is basically wrapping up episodes now? Is that right? I’m so sick of him trying to steal Erin Jo from me on the regular. He’s mocking her for drinking coffee out of a straw and can’t understand why. What a real maroon. Erin Jo explains that if you don’t drink coffee out of a straw it messes up your teeth. Duh, Seth! That’s “White Teeth 101.” Everyone knows that. I am loving how Erin is into teeth because, well, for those of you that know me personally you know that I legit have abnormally blindingly white teeth. Try to keep up Seth, will ya?
- Erin Jo and Seth are chit-chatting with their coffees walking through Times Square like they’re re-creating scenes of Felicity and Seth comes up with the brilliant idea that if they can get Olivia to go to Japan for the short-term, maybe they can get her out of Elle(o) for the long-term. Yeah, that’s called “terrorism” Seth. Stop trying to terrorize the poor girl. You know what? This is New York and they have this subtle little motto called, “If You See Something, Say Something.” You know what Seth? I just saw something in you and, well, I’m going to say something. I’m calling the NYPD as I type this so you better start packing up your desk and deleting the porn from your computer because you’re going to be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay before the week is up. Bon Voyage, prick.
- In the end, Roxy Horror is dramatically packing up her stuff and Whitney is surprised….or maybe she just looks like that? So for someone who’s been “living” there for 2 seasons Roxy only has 1 suitcase and 1 carry-on bag. Odd. I bet she’s a terrorist too. You know, like one of those “sleeper cell” terrorists? Who knew The City was a breeding ground for them?!
- Roxy hops (not literally) in a cab and Whitney looks out the window as she leaves…very reminiscent of when Heidi Montag moved out of Lauren Conrad’s apartment on The Hills. If this means that fast-forward 3 seasons and Roxy gets enough plastic surgery to pass for another human being well then I’m all for it.
