The City Recap: Meet Colonel Whitney Sanders!

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  • Welcome to Miami, bienvenwhito a Miami.  That’s Spanish for, “Whitney and Roxy are in Miami to put on a fashion show, which most likely will be an absolute disaster.  Roxy will probably relapse with coke and Whitney is probably getting a sun burn just sitting in the lobby of her hotel.”  I know that seems like a long Spanish to English translation, but the Spanish just use less words.  Ole!
  • Does Joe Zee Messina wear a uniform to work?  I think he does. He’s always in a black suit with white shirt and black tie.  It’s like he’s wearing a Double-Stuffed Oreo which, by all accounts, is awesome.  Erin Jo, on the other hand, looks like an absolute ray of sunshine.  No literally, she does.  She’s sporting a yellow skirt like the sun and a light blue shirt like the sky.  If I didn’t know any better I would have assumed Tweety Bird fell upside down.  That may or may not have made sense.
  • Joe Zee Messina wants to let Olivia know that even though she is dressed like the crazy lady who stands at the airport trying to sell you beaded necklaces in Mexico, she still needs to land an exclusive ELLE interview with Zac Posen.  At first I assumed that was the kid from High School Musical, but later I found out it wasn’t.  Imagine my surprise when Olivia was trying to interview someone who I thought was Screech’s little brother.  But I digress.
  • Erin Jo actually had no lines in this scene, but she did not disappoint as she brought back some crackadoo facial expressions.  This included, but was not limited to, the “quick left to right” eye dart, the “one eye roll whilst the other eye stays motionless,” and “the Grinch’s heart grew 2 sizes that day” evil smile.  All well worth it.
  • Meanwhile back in Miami, Whito and Roxy Horror are listening at attention when the leader of this fashion show is giving them rules about choosing 1 model, not sharing models, and fighting over who gets their model.  I’m not sure why this has turned into an episode of You Can’t Do That on Television, but someone please say “water” quickly!
  • Whitney chooses her model, who looks like a sleepier version of Sleepy Time Allie from Season One.  Whitney loves the way the clothes look on her.  Ok.  I’m going to say it.  Why won’t any comment on the fact that Whitney’s clothing line looks like the pajamas that Claire Huxtable used to wear to bed every night?  I mean, come on!  People are all like, “Whitney it looks so great!  What was your inspiration?”  Whitney always replies with, “My inspiration is any girl who wants to mix business and cocktail attire and make it fun.”  Really?  No it’s not.  Your inspiration was friggin Claire and Cliff Huxtable slow dancing to a jazz record in their living room with the lights dimmed and then getting into their matching silk two piece pajamas and heading off to bed.  There, I said it.
  • Whitney is all pissed off that some other designer is trying to steal her model that she just booked.  We know this because not only did she say, “This bitch keeps stealing my model,” but also because when Whitney confronts this other designer everything she says to her sounds like a question.  Example:  We booked her for the show?  And we’re not going to be able to share her?  I’m going to use her for my last look and then have her at the cocktail party?  So, I call dibs?  We agree with this?  All terrible.
  • Back in NYC, Erin Jo, Olivia, and Joe Zee are all at the Zac Posen party that is, literally, a half block from where I live.  I can legit look out my apartment window and see it.  Thanks for the invite.  No, no, it’s fine.  Really.  It’s just as fun watching it on TV. Oh, and no I’m not mad that I even see Seth (my A.N –> arch nemesis) at the party.  Nope, not mad at all.  Nope.  No, I’m watching the rest of this episode online because I’m literally knee deep in the television right now.
  • At the party, Olivia is trying her best to get her big interview with Zac “Screech” Posen, but she keeps getting stopped by everyone else who wants to take a picture of her.  Imagine that!?  What are the odds?  If I were there I would have had one of those trick cameras so that when she said “cheese” a boxing glove would have come out of the camera and knocked her on her ass.  If only I were a real cartoon.
  • Joe Zee and Erin Jo are chasing Olivia through this three story party like Spy vs. Spy.  Why has Erin said nothing in every scene she’s been in?
  • Olivia finally gets to interview Screech and I have to give her credit.  She did it like a real drunken slut.  She had her arm around him and was talking in this high pitched squeak that only dogs and Richard Simmons can hear and respond to.  This is the most emotion I’ve ever seen from Olivia.  Looks like someone forgot to purge this morning and is filled with protein and energy!!
  • Over in Miami, Whito and RoxSuxCox are at some d-bag store trying to sell Whitney’s Clair Huxtable collection to these two cougars who probably only run the cash register.  The clothes in the store look like cheap sh*t that is highly flammable, but could be perfect for the girl who wants to dress like La Cucaracha.  Seriously, all the clothes should come with a pocket lice comb and a fire extinguisher.
  • All this back and forth!  Meanwhile, over at ELLE(gance is learned, my friend) Erin Jo is showing Rita Wilson the wonderful work that Olivia did while diddling Zac Posen.  At one point Erin Jo just puts both arms up over her head and, had the camera panned out a bit, I’m sure we would have seen her waving a white flag.  You can tell, Erin is over this. DON’T pull an Elodie and leave this show.  Don’t do it. Don’t.  If Whitney can sell flame-retarded clothes to Mamasita Macarena in hace color Miami, so can you!
  • The editor dude who’s sitting in the room watching Olivia’s clip hits the nail on the head when the clip ends, there’s silence in the room, and then he just says, “She’s very pretty.”  Bravo.  I tossed this dude a beer to salute him, but to no surprise it just ended up breaking my TV.  Anyway, Rita Wilson spews out some quote about, “You know what they say….work horses and ponies.”  Really?  Who says that?  And why?  And did she just call Erin a work horse?  I mean, Olivia is my little toothpick pony, but come on! They then watch Louise’s Elle video and Erin Jo smiles and squeals with delight.  The editor dude goes, “she’s funny!”  Really?  If they think Louise is a hoot they must think I’m a drumken barrel of monkeys.  I have no idea what that means.  In the end they might have both Olivia and Louise be the face of ELLE(phant).
  • Over at the fashion show, there is a lot of drama going on backstage.  Roxy and Whitney keep asking to talk to Large Marge Marcia, who’s running the show, and she keeps telling them that she can’t talk to them right now the same way you tell someone, quickly, that you have to call them back….because you’re about to sh*t your pants.  Oh don’t judge me!
  • Roxy and Whitney finally confront Large Marge Marcia and she just smiles the whole time and continuously looks up at the ceiling.  Had I not known better I would have assumed she was Audrina.  Roxy actually asks her what she thinks is so funny.  I don’t know why anyone is stressed out.  It’s looks like it’s one of those church fashion shows where the models skip down the aisle and the audience in the pews fan themselves with fans made out of the church bulletin.  Who cares?  This was sponsored by, like, Howard Johnsons.
  • It’s Whitney’s turn to show her fashion line and those cash register workers from the mall are front row.  How’d they get in?  Whitney is, inexplicably, dressed like Colonel Sanders and I’m not even close to exaggerating.  She should have thrown out a 10 piece when she went to take her bow on stage.
  • Back at ELLE(ctricution) Louise shows up to chit-chat with Erin Jo at her desk all whilst Olivia sits there, probably still trying to figure out how to turn her computer on.  Erin Jo tells Louise (that name gives me an upset stomach) that she thinks she’s perfect to be the face of ELLE(o) videos because she’s “personable, and telegenic, and articulate, and reliable, and on time.”  At first I thought this was mean to say in front of Olivia, but then I realized that Erin Jo was using words that Olivia had no idea what they meant.  Olivia probably thought Erin Jo was giving Louise her grandmothers recipe for blueberry muffins.
  • Olivia finally turns around to say hELLo to Louise and talk about the accessories closet and one day go to lunch and make sweet love together.  Seriously, does Olivia make commission every time she references the accessories closet?  Is that just code word for “taking a dump?”  I thought I saw a little spring in her step when she got up!  Anyway, they cut out Erin Jo as they cackled all the way down the hallway.  The last shot of Erin literally looked like she threw up a little in her mouth. Poor EJ.
  • In the end, Colonel Whitney Sanders greets the two cashiers from that store (Dots?) that they work at and they end up deciding to buy Whitney’s clothes right then and there.  That other random designer chick got the shaft from Whitney and probably ended up getting hammered and gang-banged on Ocean Drive at 3:30 in the morning.  Congrats Colonel Whito Sanders!  Extra crispy!

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