- It’s no secret that I have an unhealthy obsession with all things Kelly Cutrone. Would I go as far as saying that I want to knock over a 7-11 with her and hotwire a stolen police car all whilst on a first-time-ever meth binge? Yes, yes, and I’ll try it, I guess, if Kelly’s doing it.
- There’s a company meeting at Pubic Revolution which consists of Kelly doing what I can only assume is “Jay Leno Headlines.” Roxy Horror forgot to bring her pen to the meeting and this provides us with brilliant commentary from Kelly Cutrone on how we’re in a recession and while other companies are firing people, Pubic Revolution is growing, and in order to avoid the recession everyone needs to bring a pen. I mean, at the end of the day, it’s great advice to live by. Just start bringing a pen wherever you go now. Take a pen to the bathroom, to work, the circus, to the gym, on a date, whilst delivering your second child, during the Stations of the Cross. You never know when Kelly will pop out of thin air and reprimand you.
- Kelly ends the meeting by letting everyone know that she’s not paying for your stinkin’ lunch, dinner, or breakfast while you’re working in Miami for the random fashion show. Everyone kind of giggles at this. No joke, if I worked for Kelly I would have got up and given her a hug and a pat on the bum bum. I would have then followed it up with an additional long-lasting hug and whispered in her ear, “Thank you, thank you, thank God for you.”
- Ok meeting adjourned! Not for nothing, but the first 90 seconds of The City was more entertaining than the last 2 seasons of The Hills. Attica! Attica! Attica!
- Meanwhile over on the show, “Olivia and Erin Jo Take Manhattan, Boringly,” Olivia needs to stop walking so damn aggressively. It looked like she was ready to charge the camera. I thought this sh*t was in 3-D for a second. I actually got kinda excited and quickly searched my apartment for my old pair of 3-D glasses. Fail and win.
- Joe Zee Messina is sending Olivia off to fashion week in Miami because she’s been doing such a “good” job recently. Oh, and by “good,” I of course mean, “contractually obligated to go because of this pesky little television show thingie.” Olivia is more excited about her 1920’s top (that looks like toilet paper pre-use) than she does about going to Miami. Although, Erin Jo is going too so this should be fanorexictastic! The thoughts of seeing Olivia in a bikini makes me envision a toothpick with some shredded tissue attached to it and, well, that’s alright with me!
- Whitophelia and Roxy Horror arrive at the W Hotel in SOBE and they look like they’re about to have visual orgasm shoot out of the ole beav-n-sleeve. Clearly they do not deserve to stay in such a nice room, but we do live in a world where things like this happen. I blame prohibition. I’m not sure why, I just do. Don’t question it, just let it flow.
- Olivia and Erin Jo are flying first class (thanks again, prohibition) on their way to Miami. Watching them try to have a conversation together is as awkward as watching Kelly talk to Regis in the morning about the days top stories. You cringe with embarrassment because Reg has no clue where he is or what the topic is about, but you know he’ll throw in a story about his time on the Joey Bishop show. Anyway, it’s that kind of awkward. Erin Jo and Olivia give eachother fake smiles and eye-rolls and then they keep looking at the cameraman with the look of “do you have enough? Are we done now?” We are.
- It’s been 5 full minutes and I already miss Kelly Cutrone. Blah.
- Yay! Here she is! And she’s at the “welcome table” and judging the models for the runway show to see who will make it and who won’t. Kelly is in absolute rear form tonight. Here’s a few of the brilliant comments she makes during “judging”: 1. Just walk straight-foward like “ba-bam, ba-bam, ba bam.” 2. This girl is not going to be any good, let’s do bets. Let’s just do bets. 3. Ok, we can’t help her. Nothing we can do. 4. I feel like I need some dollar bills in my hands.
- That Kelly. She really is a national treasure. She’s also the best thing that’s happened to my television in a long, long time. Thank you, thank you, thank God for you.
- Later that night at “da club” Whitney and Roxy Horror meet up with her friend, Nick, who’s dancing like a pigeon with turret syndrome (the worst of all the syndromes). Nick and his pigeon dance explain to Roxy Horror that he used to always ask Whitopalooza out during college and Whito never would go. Next up, Whito heads to the shitter and tells Roxy she’ll be right back. It is at this time that we get to see Roxy Horror in her best light, which is “dancing.” This is the Roxy that I like best. Bustin a white-girl move. Bravo.
- Roxy Horror and Pigeon Nick decide to peace-out of “da club” and when Whitney returns looking for them it’s like watching an acid trip. She kind of just stumbles around and everyone is looking and pointing at her. One girl just mouths “Whitney, yeah!” and Whitney walks away. I love background people. If that was me I would have put her in a headlock and forced her to do shots with me until the police came. I’m romantic like that.
- Commercial Break Update/Best Moment of My Life Alert: There will be a show on MTV called “Jersey Shore.” Thank you Santa Christ!
- When we return we are at the scene of the fashion show. I don’t know I think someone just called the show “futuristic hippie.” Words like that hurt my ears. Anyway, Roxy Horror shows up and she and Whito go at it about who peaced out first and Roxy lost her cell phone two days ago and blah. However, da-da-da-da! Kelly Cutrone to the rescue! Kelly stops by their argument to tell them to shut the F up and that this isn’t F’n group therapy and that she doesn’t want to see this again. She then walks away hunched over and I am smiling ear to ear. It’s like Cupid’s arrow just shot me square in the nuts….which is kind of hard since my nuts aren’t square…but perhaps I’m providing you all with a little too much information. One may never know.
- During the actual fashion show Kelly Cutrone gets to direct and comment on how the models are walking, which she claims looks like they’re medicated. By the way, Kelly is dressed like she’s about to pour cement and is ready to put out a lit cigarette on her forehead. I love that about her. Dynamite.
- After Olivia tells Erin Jo that she’s not going to the “trade shows” they fly back (I’m assuming) to NYC and have a meeting with Joe Zee Messina to fill everyone in on what they experienced. Now I’m not making this up. Olivia informed everyone that the main things she was seeing on the runway was “futuristic looks” and “turbans.” So basically she’s sensing a terrorist attack from Al Qaeda, no? I always knew that terrorist-chic would be in for the Winter. You need to look you best for those 17 virgins in heaven when you blow yourself up to bits at the outdoor market!
- Olivia and Erin Jo have an altercation with Joe Zee Messina about the damned “trade shows,” in which Olivia lied about not knowing about. Shame, shame, I know your name! Olivia’s nose is going to grow to the size of Whitney’s old nose if she keeping on telling lies like this! Also, I keep picturing Olivia dressed in a futuristic turban.
- Since we started the show with Kelly Cutrone it’s only fitting that we end it with Kelly Cutrone!
- Kelly tells Whito and Roxy Horror that they should re-think working together as friends and that she never works with her friends. She takes about two steps away and Roxy says, “She didn’t even say one nice thing” to which Kelly loses her sh*t! She tells them that if it happens again they can find another job. I just hope they remember to bring their pens with them!
- Finally, perhaps the most brilliant part of the show, is when Kelly realizes that Whito and Roxy charged $200.oo to their hotel room. Kelly quickly explains that she only gives them $100 and that they owe her $100 and she’s taking it out of their next paycheck. She then informs them to go to Taco Bell next time. Seriously I wish this was taped in front of a live studio audience.
Once again Kelly saves this show. I can’t wait for her new show, Kell on Earth” to start airing. Does anyone know when and where?
