The City Recap: Garbage Bag Punk is the New Homeless Chic

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  • Starting the show with Kelly Cutrone on “10” just makes sense to me.  Whitney is, once again, getting ready to sell her flammable clothes to anyone who will buy them like a hooker trying to make rent on the 30th of the month.  This time, Whito will be at the Javits Center in NYC along with thousands of others in a little booth showing her collection to buyers as they pass by.  I’m picturing it like a “shoot the duck” booth at your local carnival.
  • Kelly is prepping Whitney for what the buyers are going to be saying to her.  She’s talking at Joe Zee speeds and saying that the buyers are going to want her shirt, but in a different color to go with these pants, but in a different color, and at a discounted price, and will need them shipped out tomorrow.  Yowza!  Kelly tells Whitney that she needs to learn how to say no during this process.  Seriously, Whitney looks so freaked out by this.  She should just blow her rape whistle if things get too out of control.
  • Watching Olivia walking up the street is like a dream come true.  The camera actually pans up whilst she’s walking and her legs, no joke, look like black strings coming out of her skirt. What’s odd, is that it almost looks like she has a J Lo butt.  Hmm, I must research.
  • Anysticks, Olivia and some diggity-douche from ELLE head over to a “clothing store” because they’re going to have to dress Ke$ha for an upcoming photo shoot.  Blaargh.  First off, this “store” looks like you need a tetanus shot as soon as you leave.  Second, the manager, Jimmy, looks like Cort…that dude that LuAnn was dating on Real Housewives of New York.  Awesome.
  • The look they’re going for is “trash punk.”  Interesting.  I thought it was called “homeless chic” but that’s just me.  Perhaps you all call it something else.  Seriously, this dude Jimmy is possibly on a meth binge.  He keeps pulling out props from behind the register like he’s Carrot-Top and laughing his arse off.  I love the meth giggles.  Does that even exist?
  • Olivia now is tasked with having to try on these black leather combat bullet boots because she’s the same size as Ke$ha.  I’m pretty sure Olivia will be cutting her foot off once she leaves the store.  I’ll assume that as she was trying on this boot she was on her iPhone Googling, “Buy wooden legs in New York City.”  She won’t even walk in the one boot she tried on.  She just stands there.  Obviously I’m not the only one who thinks this is odd because two of the girls who work at the tetanus outlet are also whispering to each other that “she won’t even walk in the shoes.  Who doesn’t walk in shoes?”  This made me laugh.  Who knew Bombshell McGee and 2002 Ashlee Simpson was so funny?
  • Whitney is freaking out at the Javits Center because she doesn’t know how to set herself apart from the 1500 other designers who have booths there too.  I know! I know!  Pick me! Pick me!  I believe the answer you are looking for is, “spread eagle.”  That’ll get some attention.  Perhaps place the price tag in your chooch.  I like to call it “thinking outside the box.”  Literally.
  • Back at ELLE(cution) some Barbie doll basically hates all the crap that Olivia pulled.  Olivia says she’s waiting on these shoes and knows “they’re exactly what they’re looking for.”  This really is a job that someone has, isn’t it?  Umph. Meanwhile my arch nemesis, Seth, just happens to bust into the scene because he needs some help with pulling some looks for something.  Perhaps his doll collection.  Regardless, Seth is trying to be such a scene stealer.  I can’t fault him.  I would be jumping into every scene I could the second I saw the cameras go up.  Oh, and I would lurk too.  Jump and lurk.  Lurk and jump.  I might shove too if it got me some more camera time.
  • Seth finally gets some alone camera time with Olivia and asks her if Erin Jo has approved the looks yet to which Olivia responds, “I don’t think they care if Erin approves it.”  Seth starts twitching, shaking, and stuttering and saying that he was just asking because Erin is the senior PR person who’s going to be on the shoot so he’s “just checking.”  He smiles a nervous smile and, had my TV been scratch-n-sniff, I’m sure I would be smelling sh*t in his pants.  Seth does this all wrong.  You see, he needs to take more control.  For example, he should have walked into the room and said to Olivia, “Hey sticks, these clothes for real?  You better get Erin’s blessing on this or you’ll be downgrading from a Crest toothbrush to a Colgate toothbrush being shoved down your throat after breakfast.”  See how that works?  It’s called “being assertive.”  Try it on.
  • Meanwhile, some perv is making Whitney try on some clothes so he can see them on her and wants to order basically everything she has.  When he asks her what size she is Whitney says, “I’m probably kinda like a 2, but my boobs are big.”  Nice selling technique.  I guess that explains why this dudes hand was down his pants while the order was being placed.  I don’t even think he was a buyer.  I think he’s just a Level Three on a field-trip.  We’ll see how this pans out.
  • Olivia and Louise (that name!) head out for a boring lunch filled with a thick British accent.  Worst.  Louise wants Olivia to know that she’s not out to steal her job.  Olivia puts on her sh*t-eating-grin and says she would never think that.  Olivia acts like an elderly woman who wears pearls, sips tea out of her finest china, and knits scarves for her cats before she takes her Sunday afternoon nap.  What a ball of fun.
  • Uh-oh.  Crap.  Over at Pubic Rev, Kiki breaks news that the Level Three who placed that huge order actually canceled it.  Whitney is pissed because now she is stuck with all the clothes and out the money.  They all blame Roxy, but I mean come on.  We should all be thankful that Roxy Horror knows how to put a pen to paper at this point.
  • Whitney is piiiiiiised off and Kiki gives some great advice and yells over to Whitney, “Let this burn you for a while so you’ll remember how you feel at this moment.  It will save you millions of dollars in the future.”  That may or may not be a fortune cookie fortune, but still, great advice.  That Kelly.  National treasure.
  • Finally!  Erin Jo makes it into the episode.  What’s been up with her lately?  See what lack of facial expressions does in the editing room?  Learn from this.  Joe Zee is all a flutter with Ke$ha as she tries on clothes.  First of all she looks like she just got out of a Russian gang bang.  Second, does anyone want to mention the fact that I’m pretty sure that Ke$ha is really Debbie Gibson with teased hair?  Let’s go to Maury to get a DNA.
  • Anyway, Debbie Gibson loves the trash bag shoes (literally) that Olivia picked out and for some inexplicable reason Seth is there to tell her that she did a great job and basically “read Ke$ha’s mind.”  Oh Seth.  Stop it.  Erin Jo is sitting down and, again, not saying anything.  Although when Seth compliments Olivia Erin Jo does look like she’s ready to take a 2×4 to Seth, Olivia, and then herself.  Basically I’m talking murder suicide.  It’s written all over her face.  Oh, and also a compliment from Seth is like a “thank you anyway, have a nice day” from the person who works in the middle of the mall who asks me if I can talk to them for a second so they can massage my scalp with some 5 pronged machine.  It means nothing.
  • Roxy Horror heads over to Wink to finalize the order for Whitney’s Claire Huxtable nightgown collection.  They actually decide to buy some if it, but probably because they’re on camera and they know it’s basically like free promotion for their own store.  I’m sure once the season is over they’ll crumble up the clothes and stuff them down the garbage disposal.  Only time will tell.  Well, time and my eyes if I go to the store to see if it’s still there.  So basically time will tell because I’m not going to the store to check.
  • In the end the final Debbie Gibson photos are in the ELLE Magazine and, what do you know, the shoes that Olivia pulled made the final cut.  Good for her (puke).  Erin Jo asks Olivia if she pulled the shoes and if she can forward her contacts info over to her.  Erin also insinuates that Louise had a contact over at that shoe designer as well and, well, Olivia isn’t having any of this.  She tells Erin Jo that she did, in fact, pull those shoes and she knew exactly what she wanted.  She then tells Erin Jo that she enjoys working with Louise and that “her master plan” isn’t really working out to well. Oh no she didn’t.
  • I have to say, it’s nice to see Olivia actually speak up.  If she did that more we wouldn’t have to rely on Erin Jo to carry every scene.  I only wish that when Olivia walked away Erin Jo yelled out, “Go F your mother, you whore” or something else sweet like that.

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